Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.


...Huh? What? Who's in my house? ...HEY! Who the bloody hell are you guys?! You think you three can just break into my house like this! I'm- OOOOOHHHHH, SHIT. YOU ARE GUYS ARE-


ACK!!! GLURRK....!!! No...... NO! It can't end like this! Not like thi-


Ahhhh.... Remember me, world.... Not as a man.... but as a lover of all things Haruhi....




Hmpf. Good riddance. I never liked that creep anyways. Such a freak.

Heh. Yeah. Thanks for letting me shoot the little upstart, Kyouko.

You're welcome, Fujiwara. I thought you would enjoy it.

____Now____this fic_____belongs____to us..._____Ours now._____

Couldn't have said it better myself, Kuyou. Do you want to do the disclaimer now?


Hurry before Sasaki finds out what we're up to!

Disclaimer: The Anti-SOS Brigade___does not own_____The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of____its characters. But if we did, we would have excluded Endless Eight.______We also do not own any of the materials_________referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only___and not for profit. So there you go, you_____worthless meat-sacks._____

Couldn't have said it better myself as well, Kuyou. Onto the crack! If this gets enough popularity, then it will be Sasaki the crowds will support! Not that cocky little heathen! This fanfic shall be as the kids say... AWESOME SAUCE!!!


Yes, Fujiwara?

Shut the fuck up.

Everyone Loves Kyon...... NOT!:

Kyon was walking down the street by himself with a big smile on his face. Ahhhh, what a glorious day to be alive. And to be lusted after by all the males and females he knew! Even his own sister and cat were paired with him on occasion! Suddenly, Kyon's eyes widened. There was a male character who hadn't tried hitting on him yet a few feet away!

What luck!

Moving in with a gallant and somewhat sleazy smile, Kyon said, "Hey, there. You new around here? Mind if I show you around?"

The male, the dashing and charming Fujiwara, looked Kyon dead in the face and said, "No."

"Great! We can both go to my school and- Wait... WHAT?!?! Did you just say that you didn't like me?!"

"Indeed," replied Fujiwara with a sexy sneer. "I have no attraction to you at all like the rest of your pitiful admirers. You always call me a sneering bastard in the light novels and that just pisses me off. Now go and run along, you big loser. Oh, and by the way, your haircuts sucks."

And so Kyon ran away crying to cut himself, because he was nothing more than an narcissistic asshole who bitched about everything. Fujiwara skipped home that day. When he got there, he found all the girls who had ever insulted him or ignored him in the series. They all then became his harem of maids, bunnygirls, nurses, catgirls, frogs, cheerleaders, and battle-waitresses.

And time-travel mysteriously ended, returning human beings' free will and stuff.

Fujiwara had nothing to do with this little tale, mind you.

A Battle of Utmost Importance and Valor:


- - - -


- - - - -

... - - -

- - - - ......

...... - - - -

. - . -.

"_____And that_____my friends.....____was the great war of the periods_____and dashes.___Twas a bloody, but______brilliant battle,_____" announced Kuyou, wiping a tear away. "____....Pretty._____"

Kuyou didn't write this either. It actually happened.



A Modern Day Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a beautiful girl who served as a knight. Her name was Kyouko Tachibana. She was the friend and protector of an incredibly sexy princess named Sasaki. Both really wanted to fuck each other, but were too shy to do so.

But one day while they went on a cute little picnic, Sasaki was grabbed by a hideous, five-headed, orange dragon! And it was all up to Kyouko to save her soon-to-be-lover!

"Oh, save me, Kyouko!" Sasaki pleaded, sexy tears flowing from her sexy eyes.

"I'll save you, my fair maiden!' Kyouko bravely said, throwing her own caution to the wind.

"Mwa ha ha ha! We're going to eat you up!" said the first head, who was a complete and totally undeserving bitch.

"Yes! We shall eat you!" said the second head, who was really, really gay.

"Food," said the third head, who was a little emo freak of a bookworm.

"Rawr!" said the fourth head, who was a big-boobed slut.

"I don't wanna eat..." said the fifth head, who was an uncooperative jerkwad who didn't know what was better.

Kyouko dodged blistering fire, savage wind flapped up by huge wings, and countered sharp teeth and fangs! Then in a flash of light, she performed her ultimate maneuver: The Passionate Nirvana Strike. The dragon dropped Sasaki because it was cleaved into two separate pieces! And just for good measure, Kyouko stabbed it in all five of its asses.

"ARGH! We are slain!" roared the dragon. It died.

"Kyouko!" cried Sasaki.

"Sasaki!" cried Kyouko.

Both girls had a ton of lesbian sex right then and there on the grass. Then they got married to each other and lived happily ever after.

And this story was SO not written by Kyouko, so don't even ask.

The Cast of Haruhi Has a Very Important Announcement to Make From LittleKuriboh and His Brand New Abridged Series!:

"Hey! Haruhi! Haruhi! Did you hear? Isn't it wonderful?" Sasaki shouted as she uncharacteristically jogged up to Haruhi, who stared at her with a confused gaze.

"Heard what, Sasaki? What's got you so excited?" Haruhi asked with a skeptic look on her face.

Sasaki caught her breath and said, "Haruhi..... I came...."

"WHAAAAT?!" roared Haruhi in complete bewilderment.

"....to tell you something very important."

"...Oh. Sure. Fire away, then."

And with a whimsical flourish to the heavens, Sasaki exclaimed, "CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!"

Haruhi gasped in excitement. This was wonderful! This was epic! This was....

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" Haruhi shouted, as though she were on a sugar-high. The two girls than ran off to tell all their friends. Both groups were hanging out at the SOS clubroom for no apparent reason.... it's not really important, so ignore it. Sasaki dashed up to her friends and told them.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" cheered Kyouko.

"___Card games____on motorcycles,___" droned Kuyou.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES......... Wait, I thought they cancelled that show?" Fujiwara said out loud. No one cared or listened. Haruhi then informed the Brigade next. They shared her enthusiasm as well.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" squealed Mikuru.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" smiled Itsuki, taking out his cellphone so he could inform his organization, too.

"Card games.... on motorcycles?" Kyon said with a facepalm.

"Card games on motorcycles," Yuki deadpanned. Don't be fooled, though. She's actually REALLY excited.

Ryoko Asakura then materialized in the room with a big smile on her face for no apparent reason other than to shout, "CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!"

The clubroom door was then thrown open, and in marched Imouto, Tsuruya, Taniguchi, Kunikida, the whole Computer Club and the President, Emiri Kimidori, the Student Council and its retrospective president, Sakanaka and her dog, Nakagawa, Miyoko, Celestial Number twenty-eight, the Cave Cricket, Shamisen, the Alternate Universe SOS Brigade from the Disappearance arc, the cast of Haruhi-chan, the cast of Churuya-san, the cast of Lucky Star, the cast of K-ON, and the cast of Clannad.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" they all screamed in unison.

But there was even more surprise cameos! Look who else was excited!

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" said the entire line-up from Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" said Yoh and the rest of his friends from Shaman King.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" chirped, roared, gurgled, growled, squawked, beeped, and mentally-spoke every single Pokémon and Digimon.

"Mmmmmm.... Card games on motorcycles!" Mion Sonazki said to all her pals from Higurashi.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" Jack Atlas said proudly as he flipped off an angry Yusei.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" Daizaburo "Eddie" Ban and John "Sleepy" Estes (AKA Mad Bull) said together, even though you'd think the latter would hate them.

"Card games on motorcycles.... This could work to our advantage..." Gendo said evilly to himself, performing his finger pyramid of evil in the process, while Shinji shivered.

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!" shrieked the entire cast from Katawa Shoujo.

"CARD GAMES ON- HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGHHH!!!" groaned Hisao as he collapsed to the floor, clutching at his chest.

"Captain Hisao!" yelled Kenji, while all the cute and sexy crippled girls screamed in terror.

"Card games on motorrads? Sounds intriguing," Kino said to her friend, Hermes.

"Indeed," revved the talking vehicle.

"Smoked-cheese on motorcycles!" Churuya cried to herself, popping out randomly out of nowhere.

"Churuya, you epically fail!" Tsuruya snarled viciously at her chibi-counterpart. "And while I am at it.... SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE SMOKED-CHEESE!!!"

"Nyoro~n," whined Churuya.

"And don't say 'nyoro~n' either!" Haruhi-chan yelled at Chruruya. "That's one of the most contrived anime catchphrases ever! So overused!"

"Agreed," stated Kino, polishing Hermes' headlight. "...................................Desu~."

And that's when everyone in the room facepalmed. As Haruhi groaned at the lame wordplay, she was tapped on the shoulder by Sasaki.

"What is it, Sasaki?" the tsundere asked.

"I came..." Sasaki said once again.

"Uh-huh. To?"



"Heh heh heh."

Rather than be grossed out like everyone else in the room, Haruhi simply smiled rather creepily. "That's..... kinda hot to me."

Sasaki blinked in response. "So not the reply I was looking for."

This chapter was written by superstarultra's ghost who turned into a poltergeist and proceeded to scare the Anti-SOS Brigade out of his house, and then possessed his computer to write.

Scout's honor.

A/N: Last one is based off the video "A Brand New Abridged Series!" by LittleKuriboh. I especially enjoyed all those pointless cameos that did nothing to advance the plot. Didn't you?

Happy April Fools Day, everybody! And thanks to all the people who helped me come up with jokes for this. :)