This is basically a one shot from New moon, set after Bella becomes Friends with Jake, but before the bikes are finished.
The Italics are lines from a play done at the 2009 Tony awards about a clinically depressed woman. I thought it would make an interesting one shot, so here you go.
Everything belongs to their proper owners. No copyright infringements intended.
Another day. Without thinking I look towards my window, always unlocked but never opened.
I curled tighter into myself. This wasn't the way to start my day.
Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?
I force myself up. It was a school day so I couldn't lie in bed for long, even if I would rather stay there for the rest of my life.
I move quickly, going through the repetitive motions of getting ready. Shower, clothes, hair, breakfast.
Charlie's already left for work, so I don't need to pretend for anybody. I just let the pain have me as I force a banana into my stomach.
I doubt even Jake could help me this morning. I think back to what could have caused this particular episode, but the only thing I can think of was looking at the window this morning. A venture I usually avoid at all costs.
I cast a look around for a distraction, knowing all the while that nothing could distract me from this agony.
My eyes land on a newspaper Charlie had left discarded on the table. I reach for it eagerly and open it to a random page. I look down to find the death notices of Washington State. Lovely.
I read the very first sentence on the page. I will love you for all eternity is written in bold and I feel my heart clench.
Do you read the obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?
It's obvious from the one line that whoever this was had been loved dearly by their whole family.
Loved. I wish.
I close the paper abruptly, casting it aside. A dull thump echoes around the empty room as the paper slides of the table and hits the floor.
I throw away the peel of my banana before grabbing my keys and rushing out the door.
It's raining, as always. The perfect weather for them.
I hiss at the pain as my chest aches. Today was most defiantly going to be a bad day. I would have to call Jake, tell him I wouldn't be over later. All I wanted to do was fall apart when I got home from school. Once again I wished for the blissful numbness that I needed to function throughout the school day, but I wouldn't come.
I jumped into my car, starting it and reversing out of the driveway with ease. Anything part of the routine I could handle. The danger only appeared when something unexpected came along.
It's like living on a cliff side not knowing when you'll dive.
The drive to school was uneventful. I pulled into the same parking spot as always, as far away as possible from his spot as I could manage.
As soon as I stepped out of the car I was soaked. The rain had picked up. This day was just getting better and better.
I ran for cover, only stumbling twice. A new record.
"Bella!" Jess called out to me. Well, at least she was talking to me again.
I didn't try and keep up with her conversation, I just nodded and said "Really?" at the appropriate times. I couldn't care less about what she was going on about.
Do you know, do you know what it's like to die alive?
Classes were boring but tolerable. I wasn't really with it today and most people, including the teachers, seemed to notice. No one really tried to talk with me except Jess, which I was thankful for.
Angela was the best, she knew when I wanted to talk and when I'd rather not do anything. She smiled at me in greeting in our classes together but didn't try and start a conversation. I had smiled at her gratefully.
By the time I got to lunch, I was only just keeping together. I sat in my usual seat facing away from their table and ignored everyone around me, content in my own world.
When the world that once had colour fades to white and grey and black.
Biology was bearable, a rare occurrence at the moment. Gym on the other hand was terrible.
We played badminton and I ended up throwing the racket across the gym.
Coach Clapp was still shaking his head when he dismissed the class. "Alright, guys, tomorrow we will be..."
Tomorrow. Who knew what tomorrow would bring?
When tomorrow terrifies you, but you'll die if you look back.
When I eventually made it home, Charlie was already there. I was worried for a second. Charlie was never home this early.
"Dad?" I called out as soon as I got the door open.
"Oh, hey Bells." Dad said. He was in the middle of putting his Jacket back on. "I just came home to tell you that I will be working late tonight. You'll be alright, won't you?"
I attempted a smile. "That's fine Dad. Take your time."
He gave me a gruff hug. "Thanks kiddo. You'll be fine, I know."
You don't know.
I know you don't know.
"C'ya Dad." I said, smiling a little more truthfully.
The door slammed as he left again for the night.
I finished my homework so when I had finished washing up after diner I was at a loss of what to do. I had done all of the chores yesterday. I was beginning to regret my decision of telling Jake I wouldn't be over.
I settled for sitting in front of the television. I wanted to go to bed, but I knew the nightmares would be bad tonight. I was putting it off for as long as possible.
After 15 minutes of sitting in front of the television I realised I had no idea what I was watching. I just didn't care.
I had nothing to do therefore I had nothing to distract me from the crushing weight that was restricting my breathing.
Despite my apprehension I got ready for bed, hopping under the covers a little before eight. Much too early.
I had no distractions now, absolutely nothing.
The sensation you're screaming, but you never make a sound.
I turned the lights off, lay down and closed my eyes, against my better judgment. What a mistake that would prove to be.
I was asleep in minutes from the lack of rest I had gotten over the past couple of days.
The nightmares started instantly. The same one as it always was. Running and running but never getting any closer to him. If anything I was getting further away. I screamed out his name, but knew it was useless.
I woke myself with the scream. Charlie was used to it now. He no longer came running.
I looked at the luminous numbers of my alarm clock. 4:42am.
The feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground.
I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep now so I settled for just lying in bed for two hours.
By the time it was acceptable to be awake Charlie had left. He was not really around much in the mornings these days but I didn't mind. It left me to my own devices.
It just keeps rushing at you day by day by day by day.
Today was much the same as the day before. By the time I got to school I had already had a breakdown, sobbing in my car for 10 minutes. Lucky I had left early.
I slid out of my car. Relief washed over me as I realised it wasn't raining as badly as yesterday.
The slight uplifting of my mood was quashed however when I saw Mike running over to me.
"Hey Bella!" he said, managing to look like he was at least trying to look comfortable around me.
"Hey, Mike." I said, managing a smile that obviously looked real because Mike's smile grew in response.
"I was just wondering if you're cars alright. I saw you parked on the side of the road this morning." He asked, obviously trying to be helpful.
I managed to hide my grimace. "Yeah, it's fine. I was on the phone so I pulled over. I didn't want to crash or anything."
For the first time ever, someone believed my lie. "Oh, that's cool. Well, I guess I'll see you at lunch." He said, smiling.
"Cool, see you then." It was only when he turned away that I let the smile disappear from my face.
I was lying like that on a regular basis these days.
You don't know, you don't know what it's like to live that way.
School passed quickly, a rarity. I was even able to sit out in gym so the softball teams would be even.
I was just making my way back to my truck when Mike cornered me.
"Bella! I forgot to ask you this morning, do you want to come to the beach with us this weekend?" He looked like he was resigned to my answer, as if he knew what it would be.
"Oh, sorry Mike, I'm hanging out with Jake this weekend." Jake was now infamous among my friends and 'that big guy from the res'.
"Okay then. Maybe some other time?"
"Yeah, of course." I answered, trying to be convincing.
I watched as Mike ran off and I contemplated my second lie to him for the day. I wouldn't be hanging out with Jake this weekend, he was visiting his sister. It was a good excuse to get away from Mike though.
Like a refugee, a fugitive, forever on the run.
Dad wasn't home when I arrived today. Obviously that was just a once off shift at work yesterday.
I tried to keep myself busy but I was failing miserably. I finished my homework in an hour. Tonight was pizza night so I couldn't even cook dinner to keep myself occupied.
I found myself at a loss for what to do, again. The washing was done, the house was tidy.
I needed something to do. It wasn't safe for me to be left alone with my thoughts.
If it gets me it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done.
Jake was busy tonight, having a boys night with Embry and Quil.
I was alone. Everyone thought I was fine, but I wasn't. I needed someone, but the someone I needed was long gone. He thought I would move on, they all did.
They just don't know who I am...
I'd appreciate reviews otherwise I have no idea if this is any good or not. Thnx :P