Summary: Tag to MBV. This is what I think should happen. Contains: Cas having a serious conversation witch Dean which wakes him up, a sick Sam and brotherly fluff.
Warning: Spoilers for 5x14.
Disclaimer: I wouldn't have to write a disclaimer if I owned anything!
The Seventh Darkness
"Please … I can't …" I whisper, feeling the tears burning in my eyes. "I need some help…" The sky is cloudless and stars were sparkling on the black layer, but I am too wrecked to notice the beauty of it. "Please…"
I never thought I could be this broken. I thought hell was bad, something in me actually wants to go back, because in the pit, I knew what was up and down. I knew pain, my own and the pain I caused others. Down there, nothing could tell me if I was wrong, and I could even comfort myself with the fact that I ended there for a good purpose.
Now I feel betrayed, empty and lonely. I am not feeling betrayed because of Sam drinking the demon-blood again, not really, because it wasn't his fault, but to see me brother with the blood around his mouth, using his powers still made me feel so lost.
"That's one, deep dark nothing you've got there Dean … Can't fill it, can ya? Not with food, or drink, not even with sex…"
Famine was right. No matter what I did, or is going to do, I can't run from it, I am empty inside, plain empty.
"You can smirk, and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me. I can see inside you Dean, I can see … How broken you are…"
Broken can't cut it, the way I feel is indescribable. Not that I will go all self-pity, because that's really not me – pretty hard to run from my ego.
"You are not hungry Dean, 'cause inside, you're already … Dead."
"Dean?" I should have guessed Castiel wouldn't let me go by myself, of an angel to be, he isn't great in following orders or friendly allusions. Swallowing my guilt and drying my unshed tears away with my palm, I find the strength to answer.
"What are you doing here Cas?" I don't turn around; just keep looking at the sky, still waiting for something to happen. Not that I actually believe in prayers or in God being alive in the moment, but I just can't believe that there is nothing up there either.
"Thought it was a good idea to keep an eye on you," he says like he's not really sure if he's doing the right thing. Sometimes it's funny to know a rebellious angel.
"Doesn't Sam need you more than I do?" I question him.
Dean, help me!
The sound of my brother's helpless cries for me is unbearable, but I know I can't help him right now, as Cas said; he just has to get it out of the system.
"He's calmed down, he's exhausted, but right now I think you need me more than he does," Castiel answers, still not moving from his spot, so I turn around to look at him.
"What? You gonna tell me Famine was wrong, give me a hug, let me cry on your shoulder and then everything will be o-kay?" God, I'm getting tired of always having to listen to this shit about how it's not true, not my fault or how I couldn't know, etcetera, etcetera. I couldn't save my brother, the only thing I ever really had to do, I couldn't, so I'd gladly talk to the one person who can give me an actual reason why everything isn't my fault.
"No, because I would never lie to you," okay, that answer wasn't exactly what I had expected.
"What? You're standing here, telling me Famine was right?" Maybe I like people lying now; it doesn't feel good to know that an angel think Famine is right.
"I never said that Dean, but you have to understand one thing," the angel comes closer until he is standing inches from me, Cas simply does not get the idea of personal space, and if it wasn't because I am tired, I would have lectured him about it. "As long as you believe you're empty, no one can ever fill the hole in you."
I thought he would start quoting the Bible or something, not coming with such an easy, but still enlightening, answer.
"As long as you do not let yourself be saved, no one can save you Dean," Castiel answers and puts his hand on my chest, just above the heart.
"If you don't think you've gotten a heart, you will start acting like you haven't, and no one will think you actually have one," Castiel moves his hand back again, and looks me straight in the eyes. "Though I know a few who would and will disagree with me, including myself."
"Wow Cas, you really said that," it was meant sarcastically, but I'm pretty sure, even with his naïve angel feelings, he can hear the truth in my voice. I have never thought about it that way, maybe I really am not empty inside; maybe I have made myself empty inside.
"Yes I did."
I sigh deeply, Cas is still only learning the human way of joking, I don't think he'll ever really understand sarcasm, though I gotta say, his speech to Raphael about him being Cas's bitch was pretty awesome.
The thoughts make me chuckle, something I haven't done in a while. It reminds me of good times. Okay, slash that, they were good times, but never perfect, one thing was missing.
"Cas, do whatever angels do for fun, there's someone I have to talk to," I say and move pass the angel, forgetting all hopes of some host of angels, illuminated by unexplainable light, singing and praying, who's going to save me. My rescue is just feet away from me.
There's silence. Castiel hasn't followed me; the angel can't keep his mouth shut when it comes to fluffy moments. Though I had expected someone yelling, Bobby didn't say anything as I passed him; he probably knows what I'm doing and has no intentions to stop me, but Sam is quite too, only the small creak sounds when I walk on the stair breaks the silence.
I walk over to the big door, more like a gate, because on the other side is a different universe, a painful place where only evil lurks, only I know the 'thing' isn't evil, my brother is anything but evil.
Opening the door, I can see Sam lying calmly on the cot. The handcuffs are holding him down, just in case, but otherwise he is looking peaceful. But just as I think I'm right, Sam begins to stir and slowly turns his head from side to side.
"Mmhh, 'on't…" Sam mumbles, and without second thoughts, I'm by his side.
"Sammy … Easy kiddo, it's just a bad dream," I whisper and slowly pats his cheek to wake him. He opens his eyes slowly and looks at me for a few second before looking around the room. As if everything is moving slowly it takes a few more second before he looks back at me surprised.
"Why you here?" His voice is hoarse, probably from the yelling, but also full of wonder and … Guilt?
"Why wouldn't I be?" I ask, but it's pretty obvious why I shouldn't be there, because hell, I wasn't there the last time. I just hope Sam hasn't had any more weird dreams or hallucinations with me telling or doing awful things to him.
"Be-because I … I screwed up," I sadly shake my head and looks directly into my little brother's eyes. I can see he is guilty as hell, I knew without looking, but what I also see is that little fragile boy I used to hush back to sleep after a nightmare, the boy I used to make spaghetti-O's or follow to school on both sunny and rainy days.
"You didn't screw anything up Sam, you didn't."
"But I…" Drank the demon blood, exorcised demons with my mind, let you down big brother, yeah I know the drill, but this time I won't let him blame himself.
"You didn't do anything Sam, this was all on Famine. You were the one who asked me to lock you up, for good. Remember?" I say, quoting my little brother from earlier. Actually I'm proud of him for telling me those things, and for not exactly killing the demons as Famine asked him to.
Sam still looks like he's confused, but he slowly nods and right now, that enough for me.
"But why you do-down here?" He asks again and looks at me with those big wet eyes nobody ever has been able to resist. He yanks a bit in the handcuffs as if he tries to remind me that there's a reason for him to be locked down.
"Because I couldn't protect you and because of that you ended down here, so I'll be here too," this isn't my usual way of talking, I would typically joke or find some lame excuse to be down here, but right now I can't, means: I don't want to.
"But… But you didn't know, and you don't have to, you can just leave if you want, I want follow, and, and…" I don't know how Sam suddenly got all that strength, but he must have been thinking about his for a long time, because it's all flying out of him like if he is singing – his voice is still rough though.
"Sam stop … Just stop will ya!?" I half yell half force out with a cry caught in my throat. "I don't know what's going on in freakish your head right now, but I'm not leaving, got it?" I look him straight in the eyes, but he apparently won't give up.
"But you don't have to stay with me; I won't be your burden anymore," so that's what's going on in his head, he's definitely guilty about the demon-blood too, because the guilt I heard before is back in his voice.
"Would you stop saying that? How many times do I have to say I won't leave?" I'm actually getting irritated by the way he always tries to blame himself, because he always ends up thinking I will leave him for good.
Sam looks at me with a relaxed facial expression, only his eyebrows are narrowing the space between them like he's thinking, and I think I know what he is trying to figure out.
"Okay, I can't remember when I said it, but when have I ever left you?" I ask and Sam looks like he understands, nods slowly and actually smiles up at me. It brings a smile to my lips too, and it feels real.
"But you real-ly don't have… Have ta stay down he-here," Sam mumbles and looks pleadingly at me, but I won't let him win this time, I have to stay with him.
"Too bad, I already made up my mind," I say and jump a little just to sit back hard to show him that I won't move, not instantly – I know I will have to when either nature or our stomachs are calling.
"You could at least g-get a chair to your-yourself," he speaks softly, both concerned and for a laugh. I can see Sam is getting worse though, he's sweating even worse, and his voice is more pain filled than before.
"I will later, but you just get some sleep now, okay?" I say and squeeze his arm to show him I won't leave. I nods and closed his eyes.
"Thanks," he mumbles before he dozes and breathes soft and heavily.
"Yeah well, don't mention it," I whisper, because really, Sam doesn't have to thank me, he is my brother, and I'll do anything for him, so sitting beside him as he goes through detox really isn't a problem. I just want to get him through, be his big brother again, and then know that with time, everything will be okay between us again.