Sassy Gay Friend

by loveischerrie

a/n: crack!fic. has anyone watched Sassy Gay Friend on Youtube? I highly recommend that before reading this to understand what I am writing about. Well, there is some light Edward bashing, but I don't dislike him or anything.

This would have taken place in New Moon. And may imply my shipping preference...


A very human Bella Swan looked down below her. The rocks were being pounded hard by the waves below. She wanted this form of release, this rush of adrenaline. With it, she can hear Edward, her vampire, as if he were just next to her. It was so like him, she mused. Even in her subconscious, he is always lecturing her on safety, reprimanding her lack of self-preservation. Hell, she managed to hang out with another pack of "monsters," though werewolves are far different from vampires.

This is Bella Swan, from the Twilight Series. She is about to jump off a cliff (not to kill herself, or so she says). This could have been avoided if she had a Sassy Gay Friend.

Suddenly, a tall, skinny man with bleached hair, skinny jeans, black shirt, and thin orange scarf popped up, his finger pointed at Bella accussingly.

"What, what, what, what are you doing?" he demanded. Quickly, he looked at the camera (club music playing in the background), flipped his scarf and smiled. The music promtly ended.

"Edward is gone, and I can only hear him if I do this!" Bella declared.

"So we jump off a cliff? Really? Jump off a cliff? Honey, he left you months ago. It is time to move on. He is also a vampire. Dead. And old. You are crossing the extreme pedophilia-necrophilia territory." His hands rested on his hips. Bella shook her head.

"You wouldn't understand; our love was special!"

"Girl, Juliet said the same thing, and she ended up being roofied by a priest and killing herself. Bella, honey, you are the hot protaganist who has many men following you around as if you're a Victoria's Secret model. You got years of that left in you. Have you even slept with Edward?"

"No."

"And thank gawd for that! I imagine it'd be like doing a popsicle."

Bella pondered this. "He is rather cold."

"Now, this is what we're going to do. We are going to eat some Ben and Jerry's, read some Jane Austen, and move on. You are going to call up that Jacob Black, and have yourself a hot night with a wild animal, if you know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Bella flushed. "He has gotten rather hot lately."

"Girl, have you seen those abs? You could grate cheese off them!"

Bella laughed and looked like a normal, teenager without unncessary angst and annoying suidical tendancies.

He looped an arm around her shoulders. "Let's go, you stupid bitch," he said affectionately.

Looking at the camera (the music went off again), he smiled and winked. "She's a stupid bitch."


a/n: i am not part of this fandom anymore, but i could not resist writing this. hope you enjoyed.