Disclaimer: All characters and locations belong to their respective owners.
A/N: Just a quick dabble into Jeane's mind, is all. Depending on your view, this can be interpreted in different ways. Interestingly enough, by writing this I've learned a thing or two about this girl. Perhaps the same will be said to you, as well.
The Monster I've Become
I never expected my life to turn out like this. It's such a strange, surreal thing, having the key events that define you play out like some post-modernist slideshow, each moment put in the projector flickering into view with all its crease lines and tears and faded washboard colors. It's almost as if I'm watching this through someone else's eyes.
Unfortunately, that is not to be.
I thought this life I had was simple. Easy. Clean. I thought I had my future set out before me on a clear paved road and a silver platter. I thought…I thought my parents had their best interests in me. But then that asshole of a father broke my mother's heart and turned on his back on us for another person that would satisfy his needs. It's like we didn't even matter, mom and me. Like we weren't good enough.
It's because of him we were left in the dusts of his fortunes, left to sit idly while we gathered mildew and rot. It's because of him that mother died, that he had the gall to kill her in such a way. It's because of that lying, cheating, no-good bastard he continued this shit and broke me down, piece by piece by little fucking piece.
…It's because of him that I'm ruined.
Ruined. That is a word for forsaken buildings and old paintings and shattered china. That is a word for disbelievers, romantics, and radical dreamers.
That word didn't belong to me until the second he touched me. And when he did, I wanted nothing more than to put my hands round his throat and crushsnapbreak his neck.
I could've done it. I had the chance staring at me, mocking me in its eternal, silent requiem. I could've taken it. But I didn't. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't, how do you say, the ideal moment, my coup de grace. I wasn't strong enough, wasn't fast enough, wasn't brave enough to harden my heart to follow that commitment.
But you did. You had it all. You had a wonderful, loving father and a gorgeous, soft-spoken mother. You were living the dream. You had everything that should have been mine, mine to have, to bask in, to want, to need, more than all the riches and treasures in the world. That life should be mine to live, not yours. Not his. You can't share it. YOU CAN'T.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to do something about it. That's why I barred my body and gave myself over to the greedy, the overeager, the hungry and thirsty. As disgusting as it was, they've helped shape me and mold me, forged me in fire and wired my veins to respond at the slightest movement. They made me who I am. He made me who I am.
In the end, I will be the one who will undo him.
I've been waiting for this day to come. I've waited so long. The years have not been kind to me, but I have waded through the muck and grime in this world to reach this far. I'm not going to waste it. I am NOT going to let this pass me by.
Come midnight I am going to destroy it all. I am going to make the clear night sky rain blood and ashes. I am going to tear this fucking façade apart and lift up the veil that obscures your vision.
I am going to crush his heart in my hands. And then…And then I will brush these remains, these piles of dust beneath the crusts of the earth and build anew. I will wash my hands of this sin with my back to the dawn-breaking sun.
But knowing you, you won't look at it this way.