A/N: Many but not all of the short stories in this series are result of or inspired by rp with Thorsmaven, so thanks Thor for all the fun times and inspiration! Ric n' Roddy will always be the main pairing, but there will be guest appearances by other legends too. :)
Ric n' Roddy ftw! Old school is cool!
A Flair For Rowdiness: Backseat Bumpin'
Alright kiddies, here's the deal. I've got too many stories rattling around in this old head of mine so I guess I might as well jot 'em down and stick 'em all in one place. So hold onto your seat and don't spill your popcorn--here we go.
I've probably told you all this before, but Ric Flair was a big Caddy man. He loved those cars like they were babies or something. Only problem was, something was always going wrong with them. I don't think they were built to handle the likes of us and our wild adventures. I mean, some of the shit we got into seems like something out of a crazy story rather than a couple of real lifes. Hell, I know I've taken a good many blows to the head over years but you can ask Ric—I'm not making this shit up, even I couldn't make this stuff up! I think what it was is that when you put me and Ric together, it just fucks with the whole natural order of things—give us some alcohol and you really have a problem!
Anyway, about Ric's Caddy thing. Well, his latest Caddy had been done away with due to a hurricane. That idiot Jim Crockett who I "affectionately" called Betty Crocker sent us down to Florida and we had to ride out the storm in a Piggly Wiggly. After some threatening, and shouting from both Ric, and me, Crocker begrudgingly reimbursed Ric for his car.
Of course, Ric didn't know nothing about cars so he decided he should take me along to help pick out his next ride. Here we were at this little used car lot that Ric had picked out. The parkling lot was full of pot holes and those little triangle pendants were twitching pathetically on the breeze like they were some kind of dying bugs or something, all sun-faded and ripped up. Ric had a way of putting us in bad places, and this didn't look to be too promising.
"Well Rod, what do you think?" Ric asked, shoving his sunglasses up into his bleached hair. He fiddled with the collar on his shirt, and then with the little hanky thing he had in the pocket of his blazer.
"You look great Ric!" I whacked him playfully on the shoulder, causing him to stumble forwards a couple of steps.
"Not me, goon. I mean the cars!" He retorted, bending over to wipe off a scuff mark on his boot. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans, resisting the urge to land a slap on his ass. If I would have done that, he might've had to upgrade his opinion of me from "goon" to "perv".
"I know what you mean." I said, glancing around at the lemons and rust heaps. Here and there I caught a few prospects. Most of the best looking ones were parked up front in order to draw attention. They all sat there in a neat little row, the bright paint jobs catching the sun and winking like gigantic candies done up in shiny wrappers. "Huh, how about that one?" I pointed towards a Caddy parked near the back. It was a real classic—the top was down showing off the fine leather interior, chrome all around, big pretty fins, I could see Ric in that thing shouting Woooooo all the way down the highway and it made me laugh. He looked at me skeptically.
"Hell, I dunno Pipes. I am kinda flashy but that might be a bit too much even for me."
"It's pink Ric, you got a problem with the color pink?"
"It looks like a tit, that's what!"
We both cracked up laughing. I don't know what Ric was thinking of, but I was thinking about him cruising a giant nipple in the fast lane. Look, I didn't start the tit thing, Ric did so don't blame me.
"Hello there gentlemen, Sil's my name, and cars are my game! There anything I can help you boys with?"
All of a sudden there was a third guy there with us—ugly son of a gun. Those guys really do sneak up on you like sharks! I looked him over once and he was the typical greaseball car dealer. He looked like he could have been a former promoter—because you know they're all slimeballs too. He had craters all in his face, a big red nose, and he looked like he put a tub of fucking butter on his hair.
"Well seeing how we're here at a car dealership, I guess we want a car." I put a stupid grin on my face, getting across my point of sarcasm. Geeze, what a piece of work!
"You've come to the right place friends! We've got all kinds, what do you have in mind?"
"Something that's not gonna break down once we get two miles down the road." Ric put in.
"Oh, we only sell and trade the best used cars here at Lucky Leon's!" The greaseball bragged, grinning to show off his staggered horse teeth.
"How about that one over there?" Ric pointed to a flash of gold down at the end of a row.
"Ah, that one's a real beaut. She purrs real nice too." The Sil guy took off towards the one Ric had pointed out, and we followed him over there. It wasn't a Caddy, but it did look real nice.
"1978 Lincoln Mark." Sil said, patting one of his fat oily palms against the hood. "She's only got a few years on 'er, low mileage, a real sweet little number." He noticed a spot on the windshield where some unsuspecting insect had met its demise there. Sil stuck the end of his finger into his mouth, wet it, and then scrubbed at the spot on the windshield making a squeaky noise.
"Don't do that!" Ric groaned. It was practically a sob. He shoved the greaseball out of the way and took the hanky thing out of the pocket of his blazer, and scowled as he polished the spit-splotch on the windshield.
"Wanna take 'er for a spin?" Sil offered. He kicked one of the back tires."She rides real well, just like my old lady!" He cough-laughed, sending more spray onto the glimmering gold paintjob. Ric went to polishing again, looking just ready to beat the dog out of the shark.
Ric straightened up and frowned at his ruined hanky before handing it to me. I guess he didn't want to put the dirty thing back in the pocket of his blazer, so I just wadded it up into the back pocket of my jeans.
"Hey, don't that tire look over-inflated?" I asked Sil. He waved his hand dismissively.
"Nah, I aired 'em up myself they're fine." As if to demonstrate, he went to kicking again. Ric's face was turning that special shade of reddish-purple and getting darker with each punt.
"This is it Pipes, this is the one." Ric hissed to me, his eye twitching as there was another 'thunk' to one of the tires. "I gotta rescue her!" Ric said, turning back and reverently petting the car.
So, this was why Ric had such shitty luck with cars! He just snagged up the first pretty one that he fell in love with. It might have been the same reason he had such bad luck with women, too. I guess he learned his lesson with me, 'cause I know he didn't pick me out of the crowd for a beauty!
"Listen that's great Ric, but we better drive it around first and make sure it's not a heap of bolts."
"The guy said she drives great." Ric was only half speaking to me, he had that dreamy voice and look of a kid gushing over his first crush in a girly mag or something.
"Are you kidding? If this thing was sitting up on blocks, missing the engine, he'd say it runs great! He's a greasy fucker, it's what he does."
So I got the keys from Sil the Shark and Ric and I went for a little test drive. Ric was all smiles, his foot like lead as we sped down a lonely country road with the windows rolled down, the wind whipping through our hair. It was great. Sil was right, the Mark was pretty damn fine. It rode real fine, on top of being a charm with immaculate white leather interior, and hot damn—an 8-Track player even!
"Well?" Ric asked, revving the engine a couple of times.
"You don't want her to go back to that idiot, do ya?"
"Hell no! She needs someone to treat her with respect, for the beautiful lady she is."
"Say 'I do' Ric." I joked, laughing like an idiot. Ric paled.
"Rod, I will never say those two damning words ever again brother!"
We both laughed.
After a couple of moments we went quiet. I just watched the fields pass us by as Ric moved the car over the country road. The sky was a bright blue, a few puffs of clouds, hung over the tall green cornstalks. It was kind of pretty. The sky reminded me of Ric's eyes. Yeah, sappy I know but it did anyway. I glanced over at him, and noticed that he kept shifting his gaze to the mirror.
"Nice back seat too." Ric commented. I noticed he wasn't ramming the accelerator through the floor like he was before.
"Yeah, roomy ain't it?"
"Oh yeah, real roomy looking." Ric moved the car towards the side of the road and brought it to a stop. "But um, you know what you were saying earlier Pipes, about not judging by how something looks. You have to try it out, right?"
A slow grin spread over my face.
"Ha, you dog!" Well, he didn't have to tell me twice. I started to climb over the back seat, giving out a shout when both of Ric's hands grabbed my ass and shoved me headfirst into the leather bench. He laughed at me as he made his way to the back too. "Come here, you!"
I hauled him back there and into my lap. He pushed me down against the seat, sitting on my waist with a mischievous look sparkling in his eyes. It didn't take us long to get to steaming up the windows. Soon the spacious interior was littered with our clothes and my skin was stuck to the leather material. I was almost surprised Ric was going for such a thing, after all any car he owned (or apparently, took for a test drive) became his baby and he would kill anyone who put a smudge on it. I guess sex trumps car, and after all that's what Armor-All was made for, wasn't it?
"Good shock absorbers…" I panted as we went after each other, rocking that boat.
"Shut up, Pipes." Ric barked, and ravished my mouth so I couldn't say any more smart ass things.
The car kept rocking and rocking, then in the throes of passion there was a loud bang, and the car rocked too much. Ric let out an unmanly yelp.
"Ah, shit." I grumbled, recognizing the sound and feeling of the car slumping to one side.
"What did I do!" Ric slapped his palm to his sweaty forehead.
"You popped me." I joked, but it was kind of a bad one, even for me.
"I killed my car Roddy!" Ric scrambled back into the front seat and out of the car, naked as the day he was born. I followed him, grabbing my jeans and stumbling into them once my feet hit the loose dirt at the side of the road.
"You didn't kill it Ric, the tire blew. I knew that damn thing was over-inflated." I growled as I joined Ric by the flat back tire. He was looking down at it with the saddest look on his face.
"Y'know Naitch, considering the circumstances…it's kinda funny."
"My poor Linc…"
"There there, it's alright." I mocked, patting Ric's shoulder. "Just gotta change it. Gimme the key for the trunk."
So, Ric stood out there in his birthday suit and watched me change the tire. I got it done and glanced over my shoulder as I started to tighten the bolts.
"What are you Naitch, a voyeur or something?"
"You're standing there watching me screw. You enjoying it?"
Ric rolled his eyes, and crawled into the car to gather up his clothes.
After the car was back in working order, we took it back to the dealership and Ric bartered with that Sil guy over the price. Ric really didn't know much about cars, but he did seem to know when someone was trying to rip him off. I can still hear him—
"Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am fat boy!" And with that, he poked greaseball in the gut. "Woooo! I'm Ric Flair, I wipe shits like you off my ass, don't try to pull one over on me!" His face did that reddish-purple glow again.
I just stood there and watched, making sure not to lean up against Ric's new baby, and wondering if Ric was gonna land a chop or two to the guy. That poor son of a bitch, he didn't know what he was getting into when he took us on as customers. He looked rightly scared. If I had to join in—and I almost did just for fun—ol' Slick Sil would have probably pissed himself.
Ric did have great luck with that car. Only downside to it was, he refused to ever get dirty in the back seat again.