This is my tag to "Dark Side of the Moon." The episode had me crying so much up until the last scene where Dean let's the amulet drop into the trash. That right there just broke my heart into tiny little pieces. And I hope that Kripke makes Sammy pick up the amulet. Please, Kripke, let him pick it up! Anyway, I wanted to get in their heads for that last scene, and then add a final scene of my own because I was not happy with the way this episode ended.
[EDITED to add in the part about God, because Kripke's idea of God and Heaven is just not my idea of God and Heaven.]
I do not own anything Supernatural related, I just hope Kripke doesn't mind me borrowing. :)
The title is obviously taken and edited from last night's episode.
The dialogue is obviously taken from last night's episode, as well as the actions up until Sam sighing when Dean walks out the door. I just wanted to get in their heads during that scene and then add a final scene of my own to it. :)
The "There is reason for hope" and "hope's kind of the whole point" is taken from two different episodes of Supernatural, both lines said by Sam Winchester.
Cas turns around, walking towards Dean while digging in his pocket for the amulet. As he pulls it out, his entire being empty of all hope, he keeps his eyes on the floor, not having the energy to look the brothers in the eyes.
"I don't need this anymore." Cas looks at the amulet once before throwing it to Dean without even looking at him. Dean catches it with both hands, looking down at it nestled in his hands, before letting the amulet dangle on its string. Dean didn't even have time to get over the fact that Sam hadn't deemed any of their moments together worthy enough to consider as good memories, and Cas had thrown the amulet in his face. He remembered the day Sam had given him this amulet, back when he was more Sammy, when family had mattered to him. It was the day when a part of Sammy had faded, maybe even died, when their father had failed to show up when he promised he would. Dean looks away from the amulet, the bitter memory twisting his chest painfully inside him.
"It's worthless." Dean doesn't even flinch when he hears the words come from Cas, he just stares at the floor, knowing Cas is right. The amulet was meant for their father. When he had broken his promise, he broke Sammy's hope along with it. Dean had been so genuinely happy that Sammy had deemed him worthy of a present meant for dad, his hero, that he hadn't even noticed that a part of Sammy had broken that day. Sam had given Dean the amulet in a moment of defeat, of hopelessness. He'd given it away because there was nothing else he could do with it. It was worthless. So why did it mean so much to him?
Cas slowly turns around, too exhausted to even care as Sam calls out to him, "Cas, wait!" With the sound of fluttering wings, Cas disappears. Sam is taken aback, still not completely used to the sudden absence, and a bit annoyed that Cas would leave at a time like this. He slightly flails his right arm in the air in exasperation, licking his lower lip absently. He walks forward, looking at Dean staring down at the amulet in his hands, and as he walks past him, he says reassuringly, "We'll find another way."
Sam throws his travel pouch onto the bed nearest the door, and stares at the place Cas disappeared from. He knows how important it is to Dean that they end the apocalypse without caving in and saying yes. Suddenly that's all Sam wants as well, desperate to end this chaos. He doesn't want Dean losing hope, not now, not when his hope was growing stronger than ever.
"We can still stop all this, Dean." Sam says, slightly surprised that Dean wasn't the one saying this, because Dean was always the one trying to convince everyone they could do the impossible when Sam was always the one second guessing himself.
Dean pulls himself away from the memory, slowly taking his eyes off the amulet to look up at Sam. The memory that had once held him together was now making him fall apart. Dean didn't know if he could do this anymore, didn't even know if he could breathe anymore, and Sam was talking about stopping the apocalypse? "How?" Dean manages to say.
Sam turns around to face Dean, concerned that his brother wasn't agreeing with him. "I don't know." Sam admitted, "But we'll find it." Dean just continues to stare at Sam, thoroughly unconvinced. So Sam tries again, trying to give Dean some hope, "You and me," Dean raises his head slightly at this, and Sam mistakes it as realization. "We'll find it."
Dean looks away from Sam, not being able to take anymore. The "you and me" pulls him back into the darkness, and his eyes fall back to the amulet, leaving him broken once again. As Sam watches Dean eye the amulet, his hazel eyes full of concern for his big brother, Dean marvels at how many times a broken man can break again. Every time he tried to put himself back together, the already broken pieces would then shatter into a thousand more pieces. How could Sam say that? How could he put "you" and "me" together after he had sought a lone "me" and ran from his family his entire life? Sammy was Dean's everything. Everything that Dean held dear existed inside Sammy. His home, his family, his life, his everything. Dean had never felt welcomed anywhere, with anyone. The one place he ever felt he fit was inside the impala, beside Sammy. Sammy was all he had, he didn't exist without Sammy, without his family. And to realize that Dean had no space in every place Sam wanted to be... If Dean hadn't been so broken and exhausted, it would have made him want to carve a place for himself inside Sam's heart.
Dean turns towards his bag, picks it up, looking at the bed of the cheap motel room, before walking past Sam towards the door. Sam watches his brother, not knowing what else to do. Sam watches Dean pause by the door, and breathes in suddenly, horrified as Dean lets the amulet dangle over the trash can.
Sam was the one Dean had relied on the most, and Dean had forgiven him every single time Sam had let him down. But this, knowing that Sam didn't even have a place for him in his memories, left Dean hopeless. He lets the amulet slip through his fingers and drop into the trash can, all hope gone with it.
Sam can't believe his eyes as he looks up from the trash can to the back of Dean's head, only to see him open the door and walk out of the motel room. The clang of the amulet inside the trash can was still resonating inside Sam's head as he sighs deeply, staring after his brother, sorrow etched on his face.
Sam is frozen in place as he mulls over what Dean did, eyes back on the trash can. He wants to run out after Dean and explain himself to him, apologize until Dean forgives him, and beg him to place the amulet around his neck. Because that's where it belongs, not in the garbage. But he knows Dean; he wouldn't give in so easily. Not after Sam had broken his heart... Again.
Sam sighs again as he lifts a shaky hand to run through his hair, blinking back the sting of tears. He felt as if someone had taken hold of his heart and was now squeezing it slowly. He turns around, tearing his gaze away from the trash can, away from the impala that was visible through the door, and walks to the bed on shaky legs. He almost falls down onto the bed as he grabs his pouch and shoves it inside his bag. As he zips up his bag, he wonders how he manages to fail every single time he intends to do something good. Sam marvels at home many times a man can go wrong. Was there no limit to the things he would mess up? And is this the last straw? Has Dean finally given up on him for good? He wishes he could explain himself to Dean, to make him understand. Growing up, all he ever wanted was safe. He'd enjoyed that Thanksgiving meal because it was the closest he came to a real Thanksgiving. Was that too much for a kid to ask for? He'd ran away from home because he'd sought a moment's worth of sanity. Was that so wrong for a kid to want at that age? He'd left for Stanford because he'd wanted an education for himself. Was that more than a Winchester had in his share of fate? Sam couldn't help it if he had enjoyed those moments, relishing in the freedom it came with. But now was different. Sam had changed, and he didn't want what he wanted back then, no matter how much he enjoyed those memories. Because no matter what the past held, no matter what Sam had wanted back then, he couldn't imagine a life besides hunting, a life or future without his brother in it. Dean was all Sam had left. But Dean didn't understand that, and Sam didn't know how to make Dean understand.
Sam picks up his bag, wiping at the tears that had fallen down his cheeks after pooling in his eyes. He blinks quickly and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to take the sting away from his eyes. As he turns around and walks towards the door, his eyes land on the trash can once again and he can't bring himself to walk out the door. His feet refuse to carry him anymore and he collapses down to his knees in front of the trash can, not able to control the sobs that shook his shoulders. He looks inside the trash can as he absently wipes at his tears. Something squeezes his heart even tighter inside him as he sees the amulet amidst the garbage, and he reaches down and picks up the amulet, rubbing at it even though it hadn't gotten dirty inside the trash can. Sam doesn't want to even think about what this means, but he knows that the amulet has no value for Dean anymore. Cas had said it was worthless, and Dean had agreed. Sam violently shakes his head, refusing to agree with either of them.
Sam remembered the night he had given the amulet to Dean. It was the night Dean had replaced their father as Sam's hero, the night Sam had realized Dean had been the true hero of the family all along. When dad had failed him, he knew Dean never would, and that was when he realized Dean was it's rightful owner. And he had been right, Dean had placed the amulet next to his heart through every single one of their fights. Dean had held on to it as he watched Sam walk away from him time and time again, as he watched Sam drink demon blood, as he watched Sam kill demons with his mind, as he watched Sam writhe in pain in the panic room, and as he watched Sam walk out the door, picking Ruby, a demon, over his own brother. Dean had even been furious and reluctant when he had to hand it over to Cas, feeling naked without it. That alone had been enough to make Sam hope that they could start to be brothers again. The amulet wasn't worthless; it embodied the love between two brothers.
But maybe Dean didn't see that anymore… Maybe Dean didn't see a Sammy anymore.
Sam continues to stare at the amulet as he wills the tears to dry and tries to pull himself back together. Dean is probably wondering what's taking Sam so long, or maybe he knows Sam is falling apart inside and can't get himself to care anymore. Maybe Dean is tired of taking care of Sam. Sam smiles through the pain, happy that Dean is at least thinking of himself now. Dean spent all his life caring for him, raising him, loving him, forgiving him, and protecting him, it's time that Dean does the same for himself. If Dean couldn't carry the amulet anymore, if the memory had become a painful burden, then Sam would carry it for him. Dean had always tried to hold together what family they had left, so maybe it was Sam's turn to do the holding. Sam squeezes the amulet in his hand before tucking it inside his pocket, his hope growing stronger. Maybe one day Dean would regret letting go of the amulet, and if that day ever came, and Sam was hoping it would, then Sam would gift it back to him, the way he had two times before. And maybe Dean wouldn't just see Sam, maybe he would see Sammy handing it back to him...
Sam pushes himself up and away from the trash can, standing tall. Sam knows he's done some wrong things, things wrong enough that he believed he'd end up in Hell for them. But if God had forgiven him despite it all, then surely there was hope left? Sam didn't believe Joshua, he had even questioned him to his face. It was too strange of a concept for Sam to believe that God just didn't care. Sam had prayed to God every single day, had believed that angels existed, and had had faith... But for what? To believe that God just didn't care? No. Sam refused to believe that, because he hadn't had so much faith just to end up in a place where he could easily believe that God didn't care. Sam had a hard time having faith in himself, for he had succumbed to weakness so many times before, but he had faith in God. God was doing this for a reason, and maybe Sam didn't know why He was doing this, maybe God was just testing them, but whatever it was, he wouldn't question God anymore. God had given him a brother willing to do anything for him, one who had protected him and fought by his side for years, and so long as Dean stayed by his side, Sam was willing to take on any test. He hoped he had enough hope to pull him through on his journey of faith. Just because Cas and Dean had lost hope, didn't mean that hope really was lost. There is reason for hope, and sometimes, hope's kind of the whole point. But there was a dark side of hope, of faith, of anything good on this Earth: That it didn't remain constant. God knows how many times Sam has lost hope and faith, but he always managed to find it again, mostly with the help of Dean. Maybe, just maybe, Sam had enough hope for the both of them.
Sam picks up his bag and walks out the door, closing it behind him. This was going to be one memory Sam would never want to relive again. Ever.
As Sam settles into the impala beside Dean, he knows that the safe he had been searching for all his life, existed right here, in the impala, next to his brother.
A/N: If you read it, I hope you liked it! Thank you to anyone who took the time out to read this. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first completed fanfiction ever. :)