Author: The Plot Bunny Whisperer
Title: How To Kill Harry Potter
Rating: PG
Genre: Parody
Summarry: Written back in 2003. Excuse it's utter stupidity.
Pairing(s): Lol.
Warning: Completely and utterly stupid. My apologies.
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't care, don't sue.

AN: Chyeah. I went there. ...A looong time ago. I wrote it in my early years, and found it while going through my files for things to add to The Plunnie Ate My Brain. It was written when I was first starting out, which explains why it reeks of N00b, or however the hell that internet slang word is spelled. (I don't pay attention because I find most, if not all of it, rather immature and pointless.) I'm really, really sorry that's it's so utterly lame, but I recently found it and decided to post it for the lolz. Feel free to bash. Lol.

(I'd normally say Enjoy! here, but I'm too embarrassed that I actually wrote this to bother.)


How To Kill Harry Potter

Voldemort, the most evil wizard in the world, sat down at his desk one day and went over his list on "Ways to Kill Harry Potter". With quill in hand, he crossed off the ones that he knew that wouldn't work and mark the ones that had potential.

1: Avada Kedavra

"No, he's survived that too many times. Stupid death curse…. It's supposed to kill him, not destroy my body…"

2: Beheading

"No, he has his own sword. Stupid Sorting Hat."

3: Castration

"Er… no. Would that even work?"

4: Imperious followed by order to kill himself.

"Oh, right, he can fight it. Damn. If Crouch hadn't been given the kiss I would have killed him myself for showing Potter how to do that."

5: Poisoning

"That didn't work the first time. Stupid phoenix."

6: Disembowel

"Ew. And have his guts splattered all over my nicely cleaned dungeon? I don't think so."

7: Cruciatus Curse

"As much as I like hearing him scream in utter agony, I want him dead, not insane."

8: Lure him out of school and force him into a duel

"I did that at the end of that tournament. Damn."

9: Dance the Macarena in front of him

Voldemort put his hand to his chin in thought. It had promise…. But no.

"I would be humiliated with even doing such a thing."

10: March into Hogwarts and just kill him.

"…Er. Hum. Perhaps. If only Dumbledore wasn't headmaster. Stupid bumblebee."

Voldemort sighed. "I need to come up with better ideas." He decided to go out and kill a few Muggles to cheer himself up a bit.

THE END—or is it?


Nope, it's not, sorry for the confusion.


Hang on, it's coming.


Just a moment…


Ah, here we go:

"Ahhhh…" Voldemort sat back, pleased with himself. He had tortured three muggles, two squibs, and Dumbledore for good measure. What a good day.

If only Potter hadn't destroyed his body again. He knew he should not have done his macarena idea…

Sighing dejectedly, Voldemort the Snake curled up around a log while a bunch of stupid Muggles goggled at him from behind a window in the London Zoo.



For real, this time.