Title: The Death of Naruto Uzumaki
Author: acromatic princess
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Summary: So, Naruto dyed Sasuke's hair pink and now Sasuke's going to kill him. Oh, and somewhere in there Sasuke and Sakura are going on a date. Kind of.
Setting: AU. Modern world! Told through emails, blog entries, text messages…you get my drift.
Notes: Yeah, so this one is kind of random. I was reading Sakura and Itachi Sitting in a Tree by runwitskizzers and I was like, "This is a good story. I want to write a story like this" but of course I couldn't, because that would be stealing someone else's idea.
So I started writing this, not really sure where I was going with it, and this is how it turned out. I hope you like it!
Subject: You are an idiot
He's going to kill you, you know that, right?
So is the entire female population of Konoha High.
In fact, now that I think about it, I'm going to kill you.
How could you do that? You know how Sasuke feels about his hair. I mean, I love him of course (and I mean that totally as a brotherly, best friend kind of love, you know), but he's kind of obsessed with his hair. Like, it's scary.
And you dyed it pink.
Start running, blondie.
Love you lots,
Subject: You don't really think he's gonna kill me, right? Right?
It seemed like a good idea at the time! My mother had this leftover bottle of pink hair dye from back when she was going through her mid-life crisis and wanted to "look young and hip"…she got over it pretty fast. But anyways, there was Sasuke's shampoo bottle lookin all innocent and I just couldn't help myself!
Besides, it'll wash out in a few days anyways so everything will be fine again and we'll go back to being the Super Amazing Three Ninjas!
…Or was it permanent dye? I can't remember…
The coolest person ever,
Subject: Stop it with the ninja talk!
…It was permanent, wasn't it?
It's okay Naruto, I think you have a day left to live at least, so just try to enjoy it the best you can. Eat a lot of ramen!
Oh, speak of the devil, I just got a text from Sasuke!
…He says he's on his way over to your house…
Run, Naruto! Run for your life!
Love you lots,
To 555-3091: Sakura, I'm on my way to Naruto's house and I'm going to need someone to help me get rid of the body…can you help?
To 555-8420: Haha oh Sasuke your sense of humor is weird but it's actually kind of funny sometimes! You should joke more often!
To 555-3091: …Who says I'm joking?
To 555-8420: …Sasuke, let's think this over a little bit. What are you going to get out of killing Naruto?
To 555-3091: Justice, revenge, satisfaction…what will I not get out of killing Naruto?
To 555-8420: I see your point. Well, I guess if there's nothing I can say to stop you…
To 555-3091: There isn't.
To 555-8420: -sighs- Well, go ahead then. Oh, and while you're there, can you get the pink bra Naruto stole from me? He says he didn't, but I know better.
To 555-3091: I'm not going to touch your bra, Sakura.
To 555-3091: Never mind, I guess I will.
Current mood: Pensive
Listening to: Dancing Queen by Abba
Location: My couch
So I wonder if Sasuke's really going to kill Naruto.
He totally could, I guess. He took all those martial arts classes when he was younger and goes to the gym once a day, every day.
Naruto goes to the gym about once a month, so I'm thinking he doesn't really have a chance.
But if it came down to it, I think I'd rather have Sasuke here than Naruto. It's not that I like Sasuke in that way or anything, it's just that I think he would be much more intelligent conversation than Naruto would. Actually, I know Sasuke's more intelligent conversation.
And there's the fact that Naruto always makes me do all the work when we do group projects. Sasuke doesn't make me do all the work. He carefully divides the project into portions so that everyone can have an equal share.
So yeah. I would choose Sasuke over Naruto. Wow, it's a good thing they don't know I have a blog or I could get in a lot of trouble—
Oh, someone's knocking at the door. I guess I better go answer it.
Hey Sakura, how are you doing?
Naruto, why are we writing notes to each other? Actually, better question, why are we under my bed?
Um, duh, so Sasuke can't find us. And you know he has that freaky supersonic hearing, so we have to do this or he'll know we're here.
Naruto, Sasuke doesn't even know where you are. What, do you think he's going to come to my house looking for you?
Sakura, you don't understand! Sasuke knows stuff. It's weird. It's like he has a sixth sense!
…You have way too big of an imagination. Sasuke does not have a sixth sense. If he did, then there would be no point of hiding under here anyways.
Oh dammit, you're right! Well, it's time for Plan B. Go get your laptop, Sakura!
Why do I need my laptop?
The Will of Naruto Uzumaki
For the lovely Sakura, who let me hide under her bed as a last attempt to save myself, I give the books I have (When You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Where the Wild Things Are, and Dear John), the framed picture of us (and Sasuke) on my desk, and all of the money in my piggy bank (nineteen dollars and three cents).
For Hinata, my beautiful girlfriend, I give all of the ramen in my closet, my baby pictures (though technically those are my mother's), and my favorite orange swirly shirt so she can smell it and remember me.
For my parents I leave my room, though I guess that was theirs anyways.
And for Sasuke (the bastard that killed me), I leave the last of the pink hair dye, so he can touch up his roots when they start growing out. The directions are on the back!
This is the last will and testament of Naruto Uzumaki.
Wow, doesn't this look official Sakura? I think it looks pretty legit. No, don't try to speak out loud, here, use the computer to talk!
Naruto, you idiot, you're not supposed to type extra stuff on the will.
Nah, it's okay, I entered down like five spaces so it's still alr—what the hell was that sound?
…It sounded like a door opening. Oh, it just closed. …Crap.
What is it, Sakura? Please tell me it's your parents! I mean, we locked the door! I know we did!
Yeah, except I just remembered Sasuke has a key…
Sasuke has a key? Oh shit, we're doomed, we're doo—wait, why does Sasuke have a key and I don't?
Naruto, this is so not the time to be thinking about that!
No, I really want to know! I mean, do you like him better than I do? Do you love him like that, Sak—
Shut up, you idiot! I do not love him that way! He was just taking care of my cat while I went on vacation with my family, that's all!
Oh, I guess that makes sense…fine, I'll forgive you, I suppose.
Why the hell do I need your forgiveness? You are such an id—those are footsteps coming down the hall, Naruto. What are we gonna do?
It's okay, Sakura, I'll protect you! He can't beat the ultimate ninja!
Aww, that's so sweet Naruto—wait, you're the one he wants, so why am I scared? I should just leave you right now.
No Sakura, you wouldn't do that to me, would you? Wait, where are you going? Oh my god, the door's opening, he's here, oh my god, oh my god, maybe he won't see—
Current mood: Shocked
Listening to: Silence
Location: In a corner in my room, cowering in fear.
Oh my god. Sasuke really did it. He killed Naruto. He dragged him out of my room, and then I heard some screams and the sounds of Sasuke hitting him. And then I heard his car starting and driving away, and I looked and they were both gone.
So I guess he went to go dump the body.
I don't really know what to feel, with Naruto gone and all. Numb? Empty? Sad? I just don't know…
Well, at least I get his money.
thebeautifulINO: So, I heard Naruto's dead. Did he leave me on his will?
Pink_IsBadAss: Well, it turns out he's not really dead. He called me not too long ago.
thebeautifulINO: …You didn't actually think Sasuke killed him, did you?
Pink_IsBadAss: Ino, you weren't there. You don't know. The sounds, they were…awful.
thebeautifulINO: …Right. Okay. Anyways, I heard Hinata is nursing him back to health. What a wimp. All he has are a few cuts and bruises.
Pink_IsBadAss: Well, actually, he has a broken arm. And a sprained ankle.
thebeautifulINO: …Oh my god, the Uchiha is crazy. Jeez. But at the same time kinda hot…
thebeautifulINO: Oh, shut up Sakura, you know you want him too.
Pink_IsBadAss: Okay, for one I didn't actually say anything so you can't rightfully tell me to shut up, and two, I do not want him!
thbeautifulINO: Mmhmm, sure, keep lying to yourself. Don't worry about me though, I am madly in love with Shikamaru and I don't plan on pursuing the oh-so-dreamy Sasuke. He's all yours.
Pink_IsBadAss: Umm, he was never mine in the first place! I don't even want him! So I wouldn't care even if you did want him!
thebeautifulINO: Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, you know.
Pink_IsBadAss: That is so overused and cliché.
thebeautifulINO: Well, you two kind of define cliché, so I guess it works!
Pink_IsBadAss: …Shut up.
Current mood: Recovering
Listening to: Three Little Birds by Bob Marley
Location: In bed
So I can't sleep.
I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about what I would do if Sasuke had killed Naruto.
…And okay, for a little while there, I thought he had. Well, maybe not really, but still. Sasuke's scary when he's angry. I remember the time I accidentally ate his last cookie, and I swear his eyes turned red.
But Sasuke's weird about his cookies.
And I don't doubt that Sasuke would kill someone if he was angry enough. He could totally be a murderer. Or an assassin. Yeah. Sasuke would be a great assassin.
But anyways, if Sasuke really did kill Naruto, I don't think I could be friends with him anymore. Because whenever I looked at him I would think of Naruto, and I would always be scared of him, and yada yada yada.
Actually, I'm kind of scared right now. I was just looking through my bag to get my retainer, and I realized there was a watermelon lollipop in there. I never put the lollipop in my bag.
But Sasuke loves watermelon lollipops, so it must have fallen into my bag when he drove me home from school today, and what is he going to do when he realizes it's not there? He's even weirder about his watermelon lollipops than he is his cookies!
He's going to realize it was me, of course, and then he's going to come and kill me. He's probably already in the mood after nearly killing Naruto…
I wonder how much longer I have left.
Uchiha_Sasuke: So I heard from Ino that you thought I actually killed Naruto for awhile.
Pink_IsBadAss: Oh heyyy Sasuke, how's it going? And Ino's a prostitute, so you can't trust her.
Uchiha_Sasuke: Um, okay.
Uchiha_Sasuke: But why would you think that I actually killed Naruto? You know I would never do anything like that.
Pink_IsBadAss: Yeah, well, about that…
Pink_IsBadAss: I actually think you're really scary, so you never know.
Uchiha_Sasuke: I'm not scary, when have I ever been scary?
Pink_IsBadAss: Um, well where to start, there was of course Naruto just now, and then when you beat up Lee after he started stalking me, and then when I was dating Kiba you beat him up for no reason at all, and then there was that guy, Kabuto, who nearly died, and some more who's names I can't even remember.
Uchiha_Sasuke: …So are you…afraid of me?
Pink_IsBadAss: Um, yeah, kind of.
Uchiha_Sasuke: I see.
Uchiha_Sasuke: How about we go to visit Naruto in the hospital tomorrow and I bring him…flowers.
Pink_IsBadAss: Sasuke, are you trying to prove that you aren't scary?
Pink_IsBadAss: Aww, that's so cute! Well, alright, pick me up at 11 tomorrow and we'll go, that good?
Uchiha_Sasuke: Sure. And I guess we can go somewhere and eat food afterwards. Or something.
Pink_IsBadAss: Kay, sounds good! Good night!
Uchiha_Sasuke: Yeah, good night.
Current Mood: Amazed?
Listening to: She is Love by Parachute
Location: Still in bed
So I just realized something.
Is me and Sasuke going to visit Naruto in the hospital tomorrow…a date? I mean, I know it's just going to the hospital, but he said he would pick me up at 11 tomorrow (well, I told him to and he said sure) and then he even said good night! And we're going to eat food or something!
This kind of sounds like a date!
Even though I'm over him and everything (because all that was just a middle school crush, it didn't actually really mean anything) this is actually kind of exciting.
Because, you know, he's unattainable and all. That's it. Every single girl has been vying for his attentions since practically kindergarten, and the girl he finally chooses to go out on a date with is me. How could I not be excited?
But is it really a date?
So this is actually a two-shot. I usually don't do two-shots (I've actually never done a two-shot) and I wasn't planning on this being one, but then I got close to the end and I figured out that I was going to have to do another chapter.
I'll try to get it up really soon (like within the next week) so you guys won't have to wait too long. And what'll make me put it up even faster is if you guys review. So please review!