Hi, everyone, this is my first Bleach fic… Please, be kind and review!
These are Ulquiorra's thoughts about Orihime and their relationship after his death.
Summary: I wonder what the Heart is, I wonder why I can't understand something which seems so obvious to a mere human. I wonder what was that light which made her sparkle as a goddess.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, if I did Ulquiorra wouldn't have died.
SHE WAS SPARKLING…
This word was carved on my very soul since my birth, or maybe even before it. I never cared about that.
From the highness where I stood, I always watched with disdain those as Grimmjow or Yami who were easily carried away by their pointless emotions. Pride, rage, what kind of utility there is in that? They only carried them to their death, a meaningless death, if you ask me, but after all isn't death always meaningless? I wonder.
Still, at least I can say that they had something, while I had nothing, I never had, because there was no space for the so-called-heart inside me, there was only emptiness, a barren land where nothing could possibly bloom. But, again, I never cared for there was no space, not even for yearning, inside me.
You may say that it's sad, I don't know. I never really felt anything. I followed Aizen-sama's orders because I had nothing else, but I never really felt any loyalty towards him and this is his fault because he created me like that, he gave me this wretched, empty spirit that has been my best virtue and my heaviest burden at the same time.
And then, she appeared, just a meaningless woman who couldn't stop talking about that Heart I knew nothing about. She strangely annoyed me and made me curious at the same time. So unusual, so strange of me, but I was: curious and annoyed by her.
It disturbed me to no end her undying trust in her friends, I actually thought her to be an idiot at first, but even so there was such a light, such a purity surrounding her, which not even I could deny.
She was sparkling, that's the right word, sparkling in my darkness as a comet. And the strange thing is that I never thought of my life as sad, I never thought of my world as covered in darkness, until she came. She appeared out of nowhere, she should have been an hostage as many others, but still that inner light she possessed made her shine as a princess of a fairy tale, illuminating things I had never dreamt about before.
That's how she captured me, against my will, and once I was caught, there was nothing I could do about it. I tried, I struggled to remain rational, to notice how her words were absurd, and indeed I have always knew that those things she used to talk about were just dreams, ideals, nothing real, and yet I could not escape from their charm. I know that things such as the "Heart" do not exist in the real world, in this I was right and she was wrong, but what about the idea of Heart?
An idea is nothing you can grab with your hands or see with your eyes, it's something that exceeded my realm of knowledge, something that my emptiness couldn't grasp or understand. That's why I couldn't destroy her illusion and until she kept on believing in that illusion I could not destroy her will.
It's ironical that I, the fourth espada, was actually defeated by a human girl. I say this without any bitterness for I never took any pride in being an arrancar and I never cared about being defeated, I'm just saying things as I have perceived them. Of course it was Kurosaki's blade which destroyed me, but I never thought of him as the one who defeated me, I always felt that it has been her, instead, that Orihime girl…
You see, I'm not speaking about "fault", I don't care whose fault is if I died, things as right and wrong, fault or merit, never interested me, I'm just talking about her, the one who overcame me, without any anger nor love towards her. After all, I was just trying to understand her and I still am. I just wanted to realize what was that light that made her shine as a goddess, that purity that divided us as day and night.
Even when I fought with Kurosaki, more than protecting Las Noches, I was just trying to figure out this: what's the Heart? It's because of it that she's so superior, so distant from me?
During her time of imprisonment I could have touched her, I could have dirtied her and made her more miserable that the last hollow, but I never did because something inside me always knew that it wouldn't have annihilated that light of hers, it would have taken her even more far away from me instead, making the gap between us even more unbridgeable than it already was.
Do you understand what I'm talking about? It wasn't physical distance, as I said, I could have easily touched her, and with the same simplicity I could have taken her hands between mines or rip her chest open, no, the distance I'm talking about is something I could feel, but not see. It was something as the Heart she was always talking about. Something I could not understand.
Should I say that it hurt me, the fact that she was undeniably superior to me even being that pathetically weak? It'd be a lie; there never was space for such emotions inside me because I'm the son and the guardian warrior of emptiness, do you remember? There is no space in me for such feelings. I was just slightly annoyed and curious, slightly, and yet those were the nearer things to an emotion I ever felt.
I was attracted by that girl because she was a mystery, because she was the key for that warm light she held inside, that light that made her so beautiful, sparkling.
At the beginning I didn't understand that, I thought that obliging her to wear our outfit and allowing her some liberty would have been enough to make her one of us, but I was wrong. I didn't understand that her light couldn't have been annihilated by such things, that no matter how much she could pity or even grow affectionate to us, her purity would have always taken her far away from me and near to Kurosaki and her other "friends".
That purity, that light she had, was it the Heart?
I'd like to ask her, maybe she knows the answer, but I doubt she does. I believe that her beauty resided in the ignorance of her superiority, that ignorance kept her so kind, so pure, as the blossom of a white rose which appears on the morning of life. Still, I'd like to ask her, but I've died, I'll never have the chance to find it out for I'll never see her again, but I think that I've understand something at last: that light which surrounded her and made her sparkle, that kindness, was it the Heart? I believe it is.
Thank you for reading and, please, review!