"Come on B!"
That damn pixie!
I can't believe I let her talk me into this shit again! She is the most relentless, loud-mouthed, out spoken Pixie-Fairy I have ever had the pleasure, and distaste, of meeting; yet I cling to our friendship like my life depends on it. Hence the reason I let her suck me into yet another night of binge drinking and debauchery. As if my life can't get anymore fucked up than it already is; oh no I have to add puking my guts up later and, regretting the night's events, all while promising the toilet bowl that I will never do this again.
"Ah Al, come on! Please don't make me do this!"
Oh yes! Here it comes. That's right, wait for it, wait for it…and go!
"Isabella Marie Swan, just exactly how many times do you think your best friend gets married? I can't believe you, of all people, would do this to me. You know I have never asked anything of you that was unreasonable, and yet here you are ruining the single most important night of my single existence. ! My last act as a free woman before the love of my life sweeps me off into martial bliss, to never resurface again." Alice all but seethes.
And there it is…the ever famous Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland guilt trip.
I all but run to the window of my bedroom, throwing the damn thing open to make my escape. I reach for the ladder but, lo and behold, right outside the fucking window down below stands Ms. Hale, my other partner in crime. Fucking traitor!
"Oh, no you don't! If I have to go along with this shit, so do you!" Rosalie screams up at me.
"Ah shit, Rosie, come on! We can both make a run for it!" I say.
"I got her Al; she was trying the window again!." Rosie yells into the black abyss over my shoulder; sealing my fate.
"You, Rosalie Hale, are a complete bitch!" I scream at her as she enters the side door. I know right where she is headed; to me.
"Fuck you very much Bells, you know you love me," Rosie says with a wink,leaning up against my door jam.
Much to my surprise, the damn Pixie-Fairy breached my bedroom door while I was trying to make a break for it.
"You picked my damn lock? Does Major Cock know he is marrying a criminal?" I ask.
This is where we come full circle. In a little less than 3 weeks my best friend since college, Ms. Alice Brandon will become one with the ever most dashing Mr. Jasper Whitlock. Their whirlwind romance started 1 year, 8 months, 3days, 12 hours, and 32 minutes ago. That's right; she has it down to the minute.
To hear her tell it, you would think it was something straight out of An Officer and A Gentleman, except Jasper is no Zack Mayo and the pixie is no Paula Pokrifki. He didn't show up at her job at the factory, sweep her off her feet and carry her out into the sunset. He was, however, at the time stationed in Hawaii, just getting back from a tour when an impromptu meeting at a local bar changed his life forever.
You see this was the week that Rosie, Pixie and myself flew down to Hawaii for our spring break during college. The added perk was for Rosie, of course, being able to see her brother for the first time since he had shipped out two years ago. Alice just knew from the first minute their eyes locked in the bar that they were meant for each other. I mean she knew and there was no convincing her otherwise.
If you hear him tell it, he would say the minute he knew was when he watched her eat an ice cream cone the night after the bar. Lick…Lick…Lick…
"Criminal? What's criminal are those shoes! Hand them over. I plan on burning them with your collection of Tori Amos B-sides."
My eyes immediately dart to my music collection, automatically zoning in on where my prized possession once sat in all of its beauty.
"You wouldn't dare!" I all but scream.
"Try me B, just try me!"
And here we are. The last showdown and she has me. I chastise myself, realizing I am whimpering loudly, might I add, and biting my lower lip. Without further ado, I throw my hands up in utter despair.
Can you believe that damn pixie-fairy has the nerve to smirk at me? Smirk, I tell you, and throw down the beloved gauntlet.
And here it comes...
Damn it, damn it, damn it!
How can she do this to me? Why there? Why does she have to pick the one place on the fucking planet to have her not one, oh no not two, oh no not three, that's right her fourth "bachelorette" party? Really, I'm beginning to think she just wants to find out how much further she can push the envelope with me. I know the truth. These "bachelorette" parties are nothing more than a "hey, my maid- of- honor needs a date for my wedding!" free-for-all.
I even had the balls to tell her this wasn't going to work, and that speed dating at the quick trip would take less time. Personally, I'm pissed because tonight is the I love the 80's marathon on VH1, and she's making me miss it.
Fuck you, Pixie-Fairy!
"You have one hour, thirty-three minutes and twenty-seven seconds, B or Tori gets it," she tells me.
"Fine, go plug in my crimper iron. I'm not wearing these heels! I mean come on Al! You want me to kill myself in these? I want my high tops back!"
"Oh, these high tops with the pink laces that will not match the outfit I have picked out for you?" She smiles sweetly at me and I know it's a front, because the dragon behind the mask is about to emerge. So I pull out my trump card; my last fail-safe.
"Please Al? I'll let you do my make-up." I bat my eyes at her and give her the doe-eyed look. I see her resolve fading as her smile twitches and I know I have her. Hook, line and sinker.
"Really, B? You would let me do that?" Her eyes beam up at me.
"Sure Al, I mean it's your party remember? I want you to be happy, so yeah, you can do my make-up." I've got her and she knows it. Now the question is; can I reel her in before she snaps the line? I slowly extend my hands to grab my shoes and that's when I see it. She smiles at me. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
"Oh B, do you really think it will be that simple? Make-up, contacts, hair, and I'll compromise on the shoes and give you flats, but there is no way in hell you are wearing the high tops with that dress!" she all but spits at me.
I push my glasses back up my nose, frown and look down at the ground. I've got one thing left. Crying. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Please David Bowie, let it work this time. I look up above my glasses at her and sniff…sniff…
"Oh, no you don't! Not this time!" She looks down at the pink vintage Timex watch I got her for Christmas last year.
"You now have one hour, twenty-two minutes, and sixteen seconds. Do we have a deal?"
I can see my boat has sailed. I know I will just have to give in and get this over with. I have been defeated by Mumm-Ra, and the Thunder Cats can not save me. Thanks a lot, David Bowie, for nothing!
"Fine! However, no contacts and Rosie does my hair. Oh, and Tori better be back on that shelf before we leave. Do we have a deal?" I ask.
Alice looks up and glares at me for just a minute before the world-shattering smile beams across her face
"Deal! Hurry up! Rosie, start on her hair and get her dressed. I'll be back in a bit to do her make-up."
She literally bounces out of my room, Rosalie finally stepping in behind me as I sit down in front of the vanity.
Ever so softly, I catch her looking at me in the mirror as I brush my hair out. The look on her face tells me all I need to know, and I set the brush down slowly. I grab the only life line I feel I have left at this point, knowing if she says it out loud there will be no point in Rose doing my hair, let alone Al doing my make-up. I grab Gizmo and cradle him to my heart.
Don't say his name, don't say his name, I chant under my breath.
"Bella, she didn't know she worked there when she booked the place for the party," Rosie whispers to me.
"I know," I whisper back... and here come the two tears streaming down my face. Only two... that is all they will get from me. I'm not the same Bella I was back then. The Bella from three years ago was carefree, sweet, caring and funny. The Bella that sits before Rosie, the only Bella she and Al have ever known, is the hollow shell of that other Bella; swallowed up by bitterness and hatred.
I didn't trust Alice, let alone Rosie, as far as I could throw her after what they, my so-called "best friends for life" did. It was the ultimate betrayal. Those bitches knew. They knew and yet they didn't tell me, choosing to protect her. My supposed best friend from high school.
It took over a year for me to even get close to another girl. After meeting Alice at the local music store where she worked, it took 10 months for me to even agree to coffee to talk music and movies after one of her shifts. 10 months! Rosie, being the owner of said coffee shop was already friends with Alice, so there you go.
Two years after said betrayal and the three of us are inseparable. I have always been scared though, to find out if they are truly committed to me as I am to them.
I have never had the balls to test it though. In the 2 years of our friendship, I have yet to even once go on a date let alone have another boyfriend. Who am I kidding anyway?
Once the guys know what kind of chick I am, they will go running for the hills. Who in their right mind wants to get involved with a freak with an addiction to all things 80's and a virgin? Yeah I know it sounds weird, but waiting until marriage was drilled in me since I was still in the womb.
Sounds like a good way to go, right? Wrong. Apparently I just didn't realize how wrong until it was too late.
"Fuck Rosie let's just get on with it, please?" I hiss with barely a whisper.
"Okay Bella, okay." Rosie had sectioned off my hair and began to iron when she suddenly stops. She smiles at me in the mirror, and goes to my radio, scanning my music collection. Two minutes later, my Rosie gives me the most precious gift of kindness I could have asked for. She wanted a smile out of me, and boy does she get it.
"Alright Bells, lets get this party started." Rosie winks at me.
Just then Cyndi Lauper fills my room. Girls Just Want To Have Fun, and indeed we are.
Alice walks in right in the middle of it; dancing just like in the video and sporting her classic Cyndi Lauper shades. I can't help it and I can't hold it in. I laugh so hard it becomes infectious, and soon we are all up dancing and singing. When the music stops, Alice turns to me and I can't help myself. I all but run to her, hugging her with everything that I have.
She holds me, knowing my insecurities and my fears. Not just about tonight and the future nights she is going to make me endure, but my fear of losing her. She and Rosie are all I have, and I am losing one of them to the enemy. Well, not really Jasper, I like him and they are great together. You can't help but like Jasper, but still… he is linked forever with the Alec Newberys' and Billy Hicks' of the world. Right? So I refer to all men as Alec Newberys and Billy Hicks, sue me!
Are there no Kirby Kegers, Kevin Dolenzs or Duckies left? Don't get me wrong, I love me some Judd Nelson and Rob Lowe, but who am I kidding? There is only the one man that I want for life, and I have wanted him since 1989. He's funny, learned kick-boxing because it was the sport of the future, and he will one day walk up to my dad, Charlie, and say "What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it." I want my very own Lloyd Dobler. Don't get me wrong, the John Cusack of the 80's makes me swoon and my heart beat out of my chest, but all I want is Lloyd.
Regardless, I still hold out that maybe -and I'm talking a slim fucking chance- but just maybe 1% of the male population are not all douche bags. I mean Alice is getting her Kirby Kegers, right?
I shove my inner fan girl back into her time warp and focus on the task in front of me. Time for the pep talk.
You can do this Bells; you can do this! I chant under my breath.
"Earth to Bella! Hello, are you in there?" Alice is snapping her fingers in front of me.
"Wow Al, my face! Is that me?" I can't help but gawk and put my glasses back on.
"Come on Bella, please wear the contacts?" Alice groans.
"No, Al, we had a deal. A deal is a deal." I get up and change quickly into the monstrosity of a dress that Alice has picked out for me. It really isn't that bad, it just reveals more than what I'm used to.
I go to reach for my high tops, and the dragon comes out in full force.
"Don't you dare, Isabella Marie!" She screams.
I laugh and put them back down. I grab the flats she has set out for me, put them on, and turn to them both.
"Well, how do I look? Do I pass all your physical requirements, Ms. Brandon?"
"You are going to knock them dead, Bella!" They squeal in unison.
Thank you, David Bowie, for my own personal cheerleading squad!
I can do this. I can do this, I chant.
Just then a car horn sounds outside.
Just fucking great! The limo is here.
Alice is the first to grab my arm, all but pushing me out the door with Rosie in tow. Once inside the car, Alice is crowned with her ever famous bachelorette veil, and off we go to my own personal ninth gate of hell.
We arrive 20 minutes later and as we pull up it hits me like a hammer: what if he's here? Here with her? They must have sensed the air in the cabin change because next thing I know, Rosie is holding me and Alice has my hand, rubbing it gently.
"Al, I- I- I don't think I can do this." I stutter. That's right damn it, I stutter. Only when I get worked up and nervous does the fucker come out; making me look weak.
Damn you to all the Alec's and Billy's of the world!
"You can do this Bells, he won't be in there, I promise." Alice's guarantee calms me somewhat but I'm still shaking. Rosie grabs her purse and pulls out her trusty flask.
God, I love her.
"Take it. Down it right now if you have to." I take four swigs and instantly, I feel the warmth and the courage racing through my veins. I finally nod and we get out of the car.
One hour, four drinks down, and five potential wedding date phone numbers later, I am no longer chanting. I am singing I can do this! Woohoo! The three of us are dancing to our own tune and having the time of our lives. Next thing I know, Al comes up with a round of vodka shots and my world plummets further down the rabbit hole.
"To Alice and Kirby, I mean Jasper, may your life be filled with love and the hottest sex you have ever known!" I shout over the music.
"Hear, hear!" can be heard across the room and I giggle.
"Hey, I'll be right back. I need the ladies room." I tell Rosie.
"Do you want me to come with you?" She yells back.
"No I'm cool. I'll be right back." As I make my way across the club and past the bar, I feel it. Someone is watching me, and it's not my cheer squad. I shrug it off and make a bee line for the ladies room.
Thank you, David Bowie; I only have to wait 10 minutes in the line.
I'm washing my hands and I look in the mirror. Time for another pep talk.
"Isabella Marie Swan, you are a beautiful 24 year old college graduate, a virgin and are officially FUBAR'd. Time to get back out there." I nod in agreement with myself.
Then I hear the giggling. Everything inside me freezes and I can't breathe. She is in here with me.
Oh my God!
"Hi, Bella," she says.
I'm clasping my throat trying to pry the fucker open. I need air now!
Don't stutter, don't stutter.
"What are you doing here?" It's barely a whisper that comes out of my mouth.
"Well, I heard it was Alice's party and I didn't want to miss an opportunity to see you, Isabella."
Finally, with liquid courage flowing through me, I turn toward her, and now I am facing the bitch that did this to me, the one that betrayed me. I am about to tear her head off when something catches my eye. I am beside myself when it dawns on me what she has said and what it is. It's shiny. It's a 14k white gold princess cut wedding ring, and it looks just like the one he gave me for Christmas that year. Exactly five days later, it wasn't mine anymore.
Then it hits me like a thunderbolt, it isn't mine anymore, but it is hers.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I scream at her.
Before she can utter a single word, something busts through the door and I look up to find that my ninth gate of hell has just opened wide up because standing before me are all three of them. My best friend from high school and her posse…who used to be my posse, my chicas, and my friends.
"Jess, what the hell is taking you so long? Ang and I wer-" Lauren sputters and her drink comes spewing out of her mouth.
"Isabella?" Angela gawks at me.
I can't do this! I start to shake and I feel it coming, the tears that will betray me. I am about to lose it when out of nowhere, here comes my cheer squad, and lets just say they aren't packin' pom-poms.
I all but see Rosie's fist connect with the side of Jessica Stanley's face, and Alice drags both Angela and Lauren out of the bathroom by the hair of their heads, screaming at them. "You fucking no good bitches!"
Rosie leans down over Jessica, who is holding the side of her face.
"That is for Bella!" Rosie yells at her.
Jessica all but runs right out of the bathroom.
I am beaming at her. My Rosie, beautiful, beautiful Rosie just punched the living shit right out of that bitch. God I love her.
Next thing I know, Alice comes back in yelling; "We gotta go guys, right n-"
"Put your hands up where I can see them!"
All three of our arms shoot to the sky and I know I am staring at the biggest cop I have ever seen in my entire fucking life. I am not talking about fat either; I'm talking huge, muscular and buff. The guy looks like a fucking grizzly bear he's so big! Out of the fucking blue I do the worst possible thing anyone could have ever done.
"Huh B shh! Be quiet!" Rosie hisses.
The cop just looks at me and narrows his eyes.
"Well Miss, what seems to be so funny? Care to let me in on the joke?" He asks.
I laugh again and I can't stop myself. I walk right up to the cop, well, more like stumble if you ask anyone else, and poke him right in the chest right under his badge.
"Well Officer E. Cullen, what are you waiting for big man? Strip for us." I giggle.
My girls gasp in unison and the next thing I hear is Alice say "ah shit, B!" and Rosie hiss "He's not the stripper for the party!" It combines with the cop pinning my arms behind my chest and handcuffing me.
Two hours later, handcuffed to a bench and completely sober, I notice Officer E. Cullen staring at my Rosie.
"Rosie, he keeps staring at you, do you know him?" I ask.
"Hell if I know. If anything we all know him now, seeing how he just arrested us for disturbing the peace and possible assault!" She groans at me.
Then it hits me.
"Oh my God, Charlie is going to kill me!"
Right about that time, Officer Cullen comes up and takes our handcuffs off.
"The women you assaulted are refusing to press any charges, so you are free to go with just the tickets for disturbing the peace." He says. I can't help but notice he is looking at Rosie the whole time, though.
"Let this be a warning to you that I will not let you go next time, you got it? You will also need to get an attorney for the tickets, in the case you want to fight them."
"Yes sir," we all say in unison.
"Now get the hell out of here!" He yells.
We scurry like the rats that we are to the door of the station when, just as we reach it, Officer Cullen yells for us to stop.
We turn to face him and he has the biggest smile on his face.
"Oh I almost forgot, Ms. Swan, your father asked me to tell you to give him a call when you get home."
Son of a bitch! I am fucking dead! He is going to totally fucking flip on me!
Forty five minutes later, I'm off the phone with Charlie, telling him I made it home safely and that I will call him later to hash out all the details of what happened. Finally alone in my room, curled up in my bed I have time to reflect.
I want to forget this night ever happened and wave a fucking wand to make all of this finding a date, Jessica bullshit and men across the universe go away! I want a program in my computer to build my ultimate dream boyfriend, and I would proudly wear my bra on my head to do it. But this isn't Weird Science and I don't have a magic fucking wand.
As sleep finally catches up to me, I do smile about one thing though, and that is this: even though we were let go, my girls had my back and were willing to spend a night in jail with me. I snuggle up with Gizmo and say out into the night, like I always do:
"Good Night Lloyd Dobler, wherever you are."