Craig Tucker you rule
The following is a sequel to Craig Tucker Must Fight. It's rated M for heavy profanity.
This is for Catfish Jones, Soda-Pop-7, and SouthParkCraigLover.
I don't own South Park. Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and Comedy Central own it.
It was 1:30 PM and Mister Garrison's fourth grade class had an hour and a half to go before dismissal and Mister Garrison had been in a really bad mood all day.
Mister Garrison pointed to the chalkboard and read the sentence "Big Bird gave Snuffleupagus a blowjob." He went on to say "Now class because we have to take the stupid fucking standardized tests we have to practice. Tweek can you tell me all the nouns in that sentence?"
Tweek just jerked in his chair. Tweek went on to say "Big Bird is a noun because ahh because it's a name."
Mister Garrison screamed "GOODAMN IT TWEEK IT TOOK YOU FUCKING LONG ENOUGH TO ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION YOU LITTLE SHITBAG! YOU'RE SO FUCKING WORTHLESS YOUR MOM SHOULD HAVE THROWN YOU IN A DUMPSTER AFTER SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!"
Tweek ran out crying and the class was in shock.
Mister Garrison went on with the next sentence "Nancy Pelosi is a crack whore."
Mister Garrison pointed to Wendy but Wendy was infuriated and said "Mister Garrison your behavior is disgusting and beyond unprofessional."
Mister Garrison stated "Wendy you're not allowed to critique me because I'm the teacher."
Stan started rolling up his sleeves and said "Mister Garrison I don't give a fuck if you're the teacher I'll take you on if you fuck with my girlfriend."
Mister Garrison threatened to have Stan expelled and then he went on to repeat his sentence on the board "Nancy Pelosi is a crack whore."
Mister Garrison calls on Kyle and Kyle picks out the verb and Mister Garrison goes on to his next sentence "Ricky Martin loves to have a big dick up his ass every night."
Mister Garrison calls on Token "Hey Token you're gay black ass can take on this sentence."
Token becomes furious but Craig holds him down and steps up to Mister Garrison.
"Mister Garrison what the hell is your problem?"
Mister Garrison replied "Look Craig you think you're so cool because you got one black friend? You think you're so cool because you dress in dark clothes and you got that dark badass personality? You just think you're so Goddamn cool!"
Craig shot back "I say I'm cool because I don't have family issues anywhere near the severity of your family issues. You want your own father to molest you! You're one sick bastard!"
Counselor Mackey and Principal Victoria enter the classroom and tell Mister Garrison to take a week off since he's having nerve control issues.
At 3PM school lets out and Craig finds Tweek in the restroom.
Craig says "Hey Tweek what's going on? I know we may not be the best of friends but I must say what Mister Garrison did was way out of line. Let's see if we can become friends in spite of the big set up last year."
Tweek asks "what big set up?"
Craig goes on "well you know last year we got into a big fight but it was a set up by Cartman, Kyle, and Stan."
Tweek replies "those jerks set us up? Oh well I sure never said you liked to eat shit."
Craig says "I know and well I shouldn't have flipped you off in shop class."
Tweek and Craig smile and make eye contact. Craig helps Tweek button his shirt correctly and then they leave the bathroom only to meet up with Stan and Kyle.
Kyle is trying to get Stan to calm down.
"Stan I know Mister Garrison is a world class fucking dickhead but that summons to appear in court is serious. You did threaten him."
Stan tries taking deep breaths and comments "it's just a motherfucking joke."
Craig approaches Stan and says "just keep your cool from now until you get into court. Courtroom cases are rarely won through anger but through great skill."
As Craig put his hand on Stan's shoulder Stan felt calm.
Stan replied "well Craig I must say you're not the evil kid I always thought you were."
Kyle comments "Craig Tucker you rule."
Stan now fully calm and composed asked "hey Craig you want to join us at KFC after school?"
Craig replied "No I'm more of a Church's Chicken fan."
Cartman walked over to the lockers and slammed his head into them so hard he knocked himself out.
Craig asked "what's with the fat tub of lard?"
Stan answered "he's a KFC addict."
Kyle was delighted and said "way to go Craig you made fat ass knock himself out."
Everybody smiled and Kyle went on to say "Craig Tucker you rule."
HALF AN HOUR LATER IN THE SOUTH PARK TOWN JUST OUTSIDE TOM'S RHINOPLASTY
Kyle was chatting with Stan telling him he'd come to court to provide any support and testimony necessary to help when all of the sudden Tad shows up.
Tad challenges Stan to a fight. This time Kyle will back him unlike in Aspen and suddenly Craig shows up and says "you think you're so big and bad? You're 16 and you're picking on people six or seven years younger than you!"
When Tad saw that he would have to fight Stan, Kyle, and Craig he ran off like a chicken shit.
Stan said "Craig I know we've been enemies more often than friends but oh man you fucking rule."
Stan grabbed Craig and hugged him tight.
After Craig and Stan hugged Kenny came walking by.
He said "Guys what's been going on lately?"
Craig was thrilled and yelled "KENNY!" and hugged Kenny as fast as he could.
Kyle asked "well shit Kenny you've been out of the loop and tripping balls like a motherfucker and you missed so much."
Stan commented "yeah while you were gone Craig really defended your honor against Cartman. Cartman was spewing bullshit."
Kenny replied "I'll beat the shit out of that fat ass the next time I see him. For now I got the ten bucks my parents owed me for doing fucking chores around the house. Let's hit that KFC."
ONE HOUR LATER AT STARKS POND
Craig walked up to the lake and saw Tweek standing not far away.
Craig called out "Tweek what are you up to?"
Tweek smiled and looked over at Craig.
"Craig I came down here to help with my nerves. I've fallen behind in school due and I need to relax."
Craig got a radical idea.
"Tweek if it's discipline you need well maybe a spanking would help." Craig picks up a nice board and inspects it for nails.
Craig went on to say "this board is of good quality wood and has no nails. Now Tweek I know you have ADHD and I hope you are taking your medication regularly. Spanking is in no way a substitute for ADHD medication or psycho therapy. Spanking does help to get a kid's attention when their discipline level has fallen or they've done something horrible."
Craig starts spinning the board.
Tweek got nervous and asked "I thought we were friends and you want to spank me?"
Craig immediately put his left arm around Tweek and said "Tweek a spanking is given by parents or other care takers out of love not hatred."
Tweek asked "well yeah but between friends?"
Craig answered "why not?"
Tweek was puzzled but said "well how many whacks are you going to give me and will this help me with my school work?"
Craig answered "well that would be the purpose if we have a mutual understanding that you're being spanked because you've let yourself fall behind on school work."
Tweek understood completely.
"Alright Craig but again how many whacks will you give me?"
Craig answered "3"
Tweek said "as long as we don't have to do it with me bare."
Craig immediately stated "we don't because you'd freeze your nuts off. Now bend over and touch your toes."
Tweek does as he's told.
Tweek yells loud and Craig grabs him and says "it's over buddy I got you."
Tweek cried a couple minutes then Craig had a talk with him.
"Tweek you need to get on top of your school work. What Mister Garrison said to you was horrible and I hope he's getting shock therapy where wires are attached to his fucking balls. Now I hope this spanking got your attention and discipline will be your focus."
Craig hugs him tight. Tweek smiles and says "Craig Tucker you rule."
When Craig gets home he finds his dad Thomas on the phone screaming "I will not pay 300 bucks to see a grown man dress up like Little Red Riding Hood. That's fucked up!"
Craig thinks to himself "what a day in South Park."