Title: The Hokage Trap
Author: Shawny Wong
Summary: The Konohamaru Corps know the perfect girl for their boss – and they're on a mission to make sure he gets the girl. Poor Naruto. Written for Perpetual159's Dattebayo Challenge. NaruHina.
Disclaimer: The characters of Naruto belong to Kishimoto Masashi. This story is written for fan purposes only. Do not reproduce without permission.
"Are you sure there are no more available appointments with Hokage-sama for the next six weeks?"
The Hokage's personal assistant smiled sympathetically at the young lady standing before him. "I'm sure, Megumi-san. I've checked and double checked his calendar. Hokage-sama is a very busy man. He works very hard for everyone in the village."
"But I was so hoping to see him," Megumi pouted. "I have something important to discuss with him!"
The Hokage's personal assistant didn't budge.
"I'm sorry. Perhaps if you explain what you need from Hokage-sama, I can direct you to one of our department heads. I'm sure that, together, we can help you without interrupting him."
No, no, and no! That wouldn't do, at all. She had come here to see the young, handsome Hokage, not some unattractive, paper-pushing lackey. It was time to bring out the most effective weapon in her feminine arsenal. Megumi sniffed. Moisture formed at the corners of her wide eyes, her lower lip trembled, and even her hair seemed to sag. In an instant, she was the most beautiful picture of dejection that anyone had ever seen.
"I d-don't think you can," she said sadly with an artful tremor in her voice. "P-Please? I just need a few minutes alone with Hokage-sama."
"That's not possible," he said firmly. "If you have no other business here, then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."
Megumi almost stamped her foot in frustration. Her tactics had never failed her before, especially not when used against a member of the opposite sex! She could coax her doting father into giving in to her every whim. She could flirt her way to free gifts and favors from little boys and older men. She could even sweet talk her way past the chuunin guards stationed at the Hokage Tower. But no matter what she tried, she couldn't get past the last obstacle barring her from the Hokage! It was enough to make her want to scream.
"You are the worst example of bureaucratic incompetence that I have ever met," she hissed. "I'll be filing a complaint with the Department of Public Services on my way out."
"Go right ahead," he said pleasantly. "Would you like me to escort you to their office?"
"That won't be necessary," she snapped. With one last glare, she tossed her head and stalked away.
The Hokage's personal assistant remained unaffected by her show of temper. He smirked. She could file as many complaints as she wanted. He only answered to the Hokage – and he knew for a fact that the Hokage approved of his work and his conduct. He was in no danger of losing his job. And now that the harpy was gone, maybe he could actually do his job and get some real work done before lunch.
He barely managed to wrap up the minutes from the last council meeting before his next unwelcome visitor arrived. He bit back a groan when he saw who it was: yet another one of the Hokage's ardent admirers.
Boss owes me big time for this. I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit.
The lunch room in the Hokage Tower was bursting with friendly smiles and casual chatter, as civilian clerks and aides mingled easily with the ninja permanently staffed at the Tower. Large windows let in plenty of natural light. A dozen long rectangular tables were placed in rows next to the windows. Even the busiest employees stopped by (if only for a few minutes) to grab a bite to eat and recharge, before going back to work. It was a place to eat and a place to socialize. And it was, by far, the most cheerful location within the Hokage Tower.
Except today, where a dark cloud was brewing... right above a young man with spiky brown hair.
Konohamaru wielded his chopsticks like lethal weapons and stabbed repeatedly at his lunch, as if the chicken teriyaki in his bento box had mortally offended him, his honored father, and his honored grandfather all at once. Udon watched his friend in concern. Then he looked across the table at Moegi and Hanabi, silently mouthing the words: What's up with him?
The girls shrugged.
Udon grimaced. He'd been hoping to have a peaceful lunch. He adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat.
"I've got news for you, bro. That chicken is already dead meat. You don't have to kill it."
Konohamaru scowled and viciously skewered another piece of chicken.
"I've had a monumentally aggravating day – and it's only noon. I am this close to murdering the next person who asks for an appointment with the Hokage."
"Wow." Moegi whistled. "It was that bad?"
"It was horrible," Konohamaru moaned. "I've been in the office since 6:00am and... do you know how much work I got done? I finished writing up the minutes from yesterday's council meeting, reviewed two measly purchase orders, and that's it. I didn't have time to do anything else. And do you know why?! It's because the Hokage's groupies are constantly trying sneak into his office!
"I had to personally escort three of them out of the tower today – and I've already banned all the ones without political ties from entering the premises without a valid reason – and trying to get into Naruto-niisan's pants does not count as a valid reason no matter what they say. But the ones with political ties? Ugh. I had to deal with Miss-Spoiled-Brat, Megumi Sato, for half an hour this morning."
"Megumi Sato?" Hanabi mused. "Isn't her father on the village council?"
"Yeah – and her maternal grandfather is a noble in the Daimyo's court, so I can't ban her from the tower like I want to. She's a manipulative bitch. There is no way in hell I'm letting her have her way with Naruto-niisan. It wouldn't be so bad, except I have a shitload of real work to do, too! I've had to take work home with me every night because I can't do my job during the day. I have to play guard dog in front of the Hokage's office instead!"
"Ugh. Fangirls," Moegi sniffed disdainfully. "They give the rest of us a bad name."
"Fangirls, I can deal with – just not the crazy ones." Konohamaru shuddered. "After I got rid of Miss-Spoiled-Brat, Dattebayo-Girl showed up."
Hanabi's lips twitched. Moegi snorted. And Udon raised an eyebrow.
"I'm almost afraid to ask," said Moegi, after a moment of silence. "Who's Dattebayo-Girl?"
"Asuka Miyagi. Her father is the spokesman for the civilian businesses on the village council," explained Konohamaru. "She drives me freaking up the wall! And I can't ignore her because if she complains to daddy... then Miyagi-san will cause all kinds of trouble for Naruto-niisan in the council."
"Why do you call her... that?"
Konohamaru cleared his throat, clasped his hands in front of his chest, and batted his big brown eyes.
"'I'm, like, Hokage-sama's biggest fan, dattebayo!'" he said, in a surprisingly good falsetto. "'I know, like, all of his favorite foods and colors and stuff, dattebayo! We even went to school together when we were kids, dattebayo! It's, like, fate! Hokage-sama and I were meant to be together, dattebayo!'"
Hanabi blinked. Moegi gaped. And Udon dropped his chopsticks.
"Oo-kaay," said Moegi slowly. "Somebody needs a reality check. Naruto-taichou hasn't used the word 'dattebayo' since he was... what... thirteen? That was years ago!"
"Apparently, Dattebayo-Girl didn't get the memo," Konohamaru muttered, returning to his normal voice. "She comes around at least once a week – and it always takes me at least half an hour to get rid of her."
"It sucks to be you," said Hanabi bluntly.
"Shizune-sempai never said anything to me about fangirls when she trained me to take over as the Hokage's personal assistant," Konohamaru complained. "Ebisu-sensei never mentioned them, either, and he was Grandpa's personal assistant for three years."
"Well... that's probably because the Godaime and the Sandaime didn't have all the necessary prerequisites," said Udon.
"What prerequisites?" asked Konohamaru in confusion.
"And don't forget: Single."
Konohamaru wanted to cry. His friends were right.
"I'm doomed," he said dejectedly, finally pushing his lunch away.
"Cheer up, Konohamaru!" said Moegi, mischievously. "In about to thirty to forty years, Naruto-taichou will be as old and gray as the Sandaime – and you won't have to deal with annoying groupies anymore!"
Konohamaru looked horrified.
"Thirty or forty years?!"
"Not helping, Moegi," drawled Hanabi. Moegi only laughed.
"Don't worry, Konohamaru," consoled Udon. "You won't have to wait that long. Naruto-taichou is an eligible bachelor and the kage of one of the five great shinobi nations. I expect he'll be receiving marriage offers from various clans and politicians soon, if he hasn't already. It's highly probable that he'll be married and off the market within a couple of years. That will deter most of his admirers."
Konohamaru was far from consoled.
"Oh, hell no," he snapped. "Naruto-niisan deserves better than a political marriage to someone who only wants connections with his title. He deserves to marry a nice girl who loves him for himself."
"He does," agreed Moegi. "He deserves someone kind and sweet – someone who will laugh with him when he's happy and cheer him up when he's sad."
"He'll need someone smart and strong, too," mused Udon. "Smart enough understand Konoha's politics and strong enough to fight beside him."
"Preferably, someone who loved him before he became the Hokage," added Konohamaru. "So we'd know for sure that she cares about him and not about his money or his position."
As one, the three members of the Konohamaru Corps turned to stare thoughtfully at Hanabi.
"Sorry," she said, not sounding the least bit sorry. "He's not my type."
"Not you. Your sister," said Konohamaru, with a gleam in his eye. "Hinata-san is perfect for Naruto-niisan. He just doesn't know it yet."
"How are you going to get them together?" asked Moegi.
"Guess who manages the Hokage's appointment calendar?" Konohamaru smirked. "I do."
To be continued....
(1) This fanfic is not compliant with manga chapter 437 and up.
(2) Written for Perpetual159's Dattebayo Challenge. (http : // community . livejournal . com / nxh_fanfiction / 4031 . html)
(3) Warning: the plot is cliché, corny, and cheesy. The outline for this sat ignored, in my writing folder for ages, because IMO, it's too half-baked to make a decent fanfic. I blame Perpetual159 – who dared me to take the Dattebayo Challenge – for the revival of this plot bunny.
(4) Background Info: Takes place some years in the future. Naruto and the Rookie 9 are 24. Konohamaru and his friends are 20. Naruto has recently become Hokage. Prior to that, Naruto was the jounin leader of a chuunin team, specifically, the Konohamaru Corps – which is why Udon and Moegi call him taichou (captain). I've tried to keep Konohamaru and his friends as in character as possible. If they seem OOC, it's because they've grown up and aren't little kids anymore.