Letter Unreceived

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.

Author notes: This takes place shortly before the battle in "Release" in season four of Angel between Faith and Angelus, where Faith injected herself with Orpheus and left Angelus feed on her. These are her thoughts/ her letter to Angel shortly before she and Wesley go to meet him.

Dear Angel,

Damn, that looks weird. I don't exactly go around calling people 'dear' most of the time. Or ever. Who does other than old ladies or something? Well, or Wilkins. But let's not go there now, I've got way more than enough to think about as it is.

Jeez, avoiding much, huh…sorry if this makes no sense at all to you. Never really wrote much of anything unless you're gonna count school shit, which usually I wasn't even there to do anyway, or those stupid 'self-reflection' things the one shrink in prison used to make me do. Or my Watcher, she'd make me write stuff too, like about Slayer history or fighting tactics or my dreams or whatever. She'd try to make me keep a journal too, but she gave that up fast once she saw the stuff I put in it just to freak her out a little. Think what freaked her out most is she could tell that it was all true, that I wasn't just screwing with her.

Damn, there I go again…sorry about that, this is just kind of hard, you know? Not really thinking straight, not that I'm usually so great at that anyway, but right now it's pretty much impossible. I'm supposed to be resting in here, that's what Wes said to do, even though what I want to do is just go out and get this done. But since the guy's practically blocking the door here and I need to not beat on him since I'm gonna need his help in a little while, guess I'm here for the moment.

Besides, I really want to do this anyway…there's some things I've got to make sure I say before this is all over, and short of making a documentary ala Blair Witch chick, writing it down's the best way to go. Sorry if you can't read this, my spelling sucks and my handwriting is chicken scratch anyway, and my hand's kind of shaking a little now. So get Wes to read it if you can't, he interprets hieroglyphics and shit so messy handwriting should be easy for the guy. I hope you can read this though, because really this is just supposed to be for you.

I'm mostly healed up from the last go round with Angelus, not gonna last for long though, huh? You know, even prisoners get like a last meal and all before they get executed, I don't even remember what I last ate. Probably beef jerky or something. What I'd ask for right now is a bottle of Jack Daniels, but I'm thinking that might not be the best idea, and Wes wouldn't hand it over anyway. That's one thing prison did for me, kind of kicked up the common sense and kicked down the whole impulse thing, I guess. But you helped with that too, and this is what the letter's for, really. If I'm going to die tonight, if I'm going to let Angelus kill me, then I just want to have something left behind for you.

So…thanks. For not giving up on me. For not killing me back then, when I totally deserved it. For just caring. Not just about me, but about everyone. People might not say it or act grateful or whatever (I know I don't) but it means a lot. You probably don't have any idea how when it got bad in prison, how many times I'd get through it by thinking about you, by counting how soon it would be until you came to see me, or thinking what you said to me the last time we talked. Probably kept me from striking back a few times, knowing I wouldn't get visitor privileges if I did. It was way hard when you stopped coming…not complaining about that now, well, maybe just a little, I get that you got busy…but when you did come, it meant a lot. You saved my life way more than that one time, you know…I just wanted you to know that. I'm sorry that you had to, that anyone ever had to.

Guess while I'm on the apology track here I'll take a second to mention everyone else too, kind of a long list so I'll try to make it fast, sorry it's not more specific, guys. So, Dawn, Xander, Willow, Mrs. Summers (RIP), Wesley, Cordelia, Professor Dormer, Allen Finch, Professor Worth…and, uh, whoever I hurt that wasn't bad or trying to kill me that I don't remember…I'm sorry. I know what I did to all of you (except you people I can't remember), and I know it will probably not mean much to say it like this, but I don't know how else to say it. So I'm sorry.

Especially to you, Buffy. I know I've said it before and I know it's not gonna be enough to say it again like this. But I am. There's a whole lot more I could say to you but I'm thinking you don't want to hear it, not now, maybe not even then, so I'm not gonna. (//written very small, right after that line, nearly entirely illegibly//) Ok, so I lied. Hope you guys can't read this. I loved you. But you knew that.

(//back at normal size handwriting//) Anyway, I'm sorry. And all you new guys, Fred and Gunn and Lorne, thanks for being pretty cool with me, would have liked to get to know you, play on your side a little. Guess that's life. Not sure I can say the same for Connor, but he'll grow up one day. Maybe.

I just hope this works, what I'm gonna do…I hope they can still save you, Angel, while Angelus is off in dreamland with me. It's gotta work…it's the best shot we've got right now. Really the only shot.

I know once you're back you're gonna hate this, you're gonna be pissed off and guilty and all that I did this. Don't be. Not your fault, it's not anyone's fault. Don't get mad at Wes either- side note, isn't it freaking amazing how a little stubble and scars can make a former wimp totally sexworthy? Old Wuss-ley manned up in a major way. And it's what I want…it's what I was doing. So don't flip out on him or anyone else.

It just seems okay to me, giving my life for yours. Or your unlife, whatever. You're way more needed than me and you know it, Angel. Your trying at this redemption gig gets results, mine makes more problems. You've got a chance. I don't think I do, at least, not like you do.

I asked you to kill me once, and you wouldn't do it. I'm not gonna give you a choice this time. If it's down to me or you now, I choose you.

It's gonna happen again, soon, like, in twenty minutes soon. So I'm gonna fold this thing up in my pocket- damn, all five pages of it I guess- and hopefully someone will find it later, hope there's not too much blood on it to read it. Well, on second thought maybe I'll just leave it on the dresser. Look, Angel, like I said, don't go into broodage over this, I know it won't be you who killed me. I want this. I'm planning this…just hoping to take Angelus down with me.

See, when it comes down to it, it's not like I really want to die. But I'm not exactly sorry to go either. If I gotta go, this is the best way I can, to make up for everything, score a few more redemption points. Try to make up for everything you've done for me, even it out a little, you know?

Thing is…what it all comes down to is I'm tired, Angel. I mean everything else I said too, but even with all of that, I'm just tired. All of this is so hard and I don't see myself getting anywere with it. Ever. And I know you can. So…this is how it's gonna be.

Guess I'll be seeing you…or not, guess that depends on which of us is going the hell route and which is heaven, something tells me even with this redemption thing I'm not going anywhere near heaven. Pretty sure here that I'm not gonna be like Buffy and get resurrected either, pretty sure this is my last stop. Whatever though, it's five by five. You know you're the only one I ever explained that to, right…do me a favor? Keep it that way?

Damn, Wes is knocking, guess it's time. Done now. Hope you get this. I don't have much more to say anyway.

Except thanks.

Faith Lehane (yeah I got a last name…you should look into getting one too, man.)