A/N: So this was completely inspired by the heartbreaking scenes in 3x17, and was kind of my own way to figure out how in the hell Chuck and Blair were possibly going to make it through this. As much as I love what I've written, I'm also aware that the writers will probably go the route of having Chuck do some more OOC things, and then he'll buy Blair flowers and everything will be all better. Basically, the writers are trying their hardest to get me to hate the show, and this story is my way of fighting back; of reminding myself, and maybe some other people, why we all love Chuck and Blair so much. So with out further ado, the story!
She was trembling.
She was shaking, uncontrollably. Falling apart. Because really, what other choice did she have? She felt broken.
Looking in the mirror, she barely recognized herself anymore. Who was she? Where did she go? What happened to the girl with her whole life planned out down to the china sets and paint swatches? What happened to the Queen of Constance? What happened to her dream of going to Yale? What happened to her stable, simple relationship with her Prince Charming? What happened to happiness?
It all went down the drain with a half a glass of champagne.
Then it all went down the drain with a trip to Tuscany.
Then it all went down the drain with the stark silence of no three words, eight letters.
Then it all went away with a game.
And then another game.
And then a car crash; then because I love you; then well that's too bad; then a note; then a New Years best forgotten; then stop trying to play the wife; then her Price Charming was back; then it was just a game, I hate to lose; then her Prince Charming was gone again; then it wasn't worth it; then it was.
And now it just hurts.
And all she can think is that somehow, fate has been leading them down this path all along. This path of mutual destruction.
It all makes sense now.
Wrapped up in her childhood room, after a day no child could imagine, it all makes sense. Through all the destruction her and Chuck managed to inflict upon one another, she never took the time to think about why this all happened. Why they were so hell bent on destroying each other.
The answer was so simple.
Chuck spent eighteen years enduring the hatred of a father who blamed him for the death of his mother. He spent eighteen years basing his personality and his actions on the idea that he was born a murderer. He had no ability to trust anyone, least of all himself. So he destroyed. So he punished. In destroying her, he was punishing himself. And then no one wins.
She understood why Chuck had manipulated her.
The answer was so simple.
As much as he had allowed himself to love her in the past two years, he loved misery more. Misery had been with him for almost nineteen years. Blair had only been with him for ten months.
So he trusted misery. Misery would always win. Because no matter how many times she screamed at him that she loved him, misery could just whisper, and Chuck would do it's bidding. He was inherently broken, and misery allowed him to wallow. He was born that way. From the moment he came into the world he had been told that he was weak. That he was wrong. And so he made it his mission to prove to the world just how strong and right he could be.
And in the process of proving to his dead father that he wasn't weak, he became what he had been running from all along.
She was in pain, no doubt. Because on the surface, no matter how damaged Chuck was, it appeared as if she was the victim. And she was a victim. She was a victim of herself.
But on the surface Chuck was the murderer.
All I ever did was love you.
The worst thing I ever did. (The worst thing you've ever done). The darkest thought I ever had. (The darkest though you've ever had). You said you would stand by me through anything. (I will stand by you through anything). This, Blair, is anything. (Because, I love you).
I never thought that the worst thing you would ever do would be to me. (Well that's too bad).
But really, she'd always known that her declaration to stand by him through anything (the worst thing) would mean standing through her own destruction. Because that's just how it worked with them.
They destroyed each other.
He fell in love with her, and she slept with Nate. She got back together with his best friend. And then she rubbed it in his face. Her turn.
He ripped her life apart by taking her throne, her boyfriend, and himself away from her. His turn.
And repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Then today. Chuck had basically traded her for his hotel without her knowledge. Without her knowledge. Even without knowing that, she still went to Jack.
There was no doubt that she would do anything for Chuck, but there was something else at work here.
Chuck had sold her.
But worse, she sold herself.
Everything was so out of focus. It had seemed so simple. Sleep with Jack, get Chuck's hotel back, make Chuck happy.
But now it didn't make any sense. Now she couldn't see how she could have disregarded her self worth so greatly. Chuck was a billionaire. He could just buy a different hotel.
Chuck was a billionaire. He couldn't just buy another Blair Waldorf.
And there it was.
What hurt the most. The worst thing you've ever done.
He didn't love her the most.
He loved her more than anything, certainly. But he didn't love her more than he hated himself. And that made all the difference.
To the rest of the world, Blair Waldorf loves a lot of things. Herself. Serena. Her family. Cat. Audrey Hepburn. Headbands. Croissants. Yale. Manhattan. Shopping.
And yet the truth of that matter was that she didn't love half of that. Certainly not herself. She loved Serena in the way that you love a childhood pet. She loved her family because it was proper to. She loved Cat from afar. She loved Audrey Hepburn because she aspires to be that thin. She loves headbands because they draw attention away from her face. She loves croissants because the come back up the easiest. She loves Yale because she loves her father because it was proper to. She loves Manhattan because people are seen and not heard. She loves shopping because fitting into a size two makes her smile.
But if Serena were to disappear again, she would survive. She had already survived being abandoned by her family. Cat's hair gets stuck to her clothes. Audrey was a fantasy. Headbands were childish. Croissants have too many calories. Yale rejected her. Manhattan judges her. Not being able to fit into a size two depresses her.
She loves him. She loves him. She loves him.
In the eyes of any sane person, she shouldn't. In the eyes of any sane person, she loves him for all the wrong reasons.
She loves him because he's inconsiderate and abrasive. She loves him because he ruins her. He ruins her for anyone but him. He destroys her, and she loves him because he's the only one capable and willing. She loves him because he's the only one able to put her back together. She loves him because he's selfish and egotistical and emotionally stunted.
She loves him because she's the only one capable and willing.
And she knows that no matter how many times she says Goodbye Chuck with conviction, it will never be goodbye. Not really.
If she were only able to speak the truth she would have said See you later.
And she knows that no matter how self-destructive it appeared to the outside world, she would never stop letting Chuck destroy her. It didn't work that way. Because as much harm as Chuck could reek upon her while she was by his side, the ache of a permanent separation would always hurt more. Even the thought of a permanent separation hurt more.
Because they love each other.
Because when she wakes up in his arms she can imagine time disappearing and leaving them alone in that moment forever. Because she still forgets to breathe. Because her heart pounds and her hands shake.
Because she belongs to him, and he belongs to her, and that's the way it is.
Because they will tear each other apart. Because being destroyed by him tonight was somehow still more fulfilling than her entire six-year relationship with Nate. Because being destroyed by him tonight was somehow still happier.
Because she's Blair Waldorf. Because he's Chuck Bass.
Because they both get what they want, and they want each other. And nothing, not even the pain of destruction, will get in their way.
Because in reality they're just two stupid, rich teenagers trying to take on the world and expecting to come out unscathed.
Somehow they're still naïve.
But in the end, all of the pain and naïveté and stupidity didn't mean anything.
Because some things are worth everything.