This is less of a story and more like three one-shots put together. I look into Jasper's mind during three significant moments of his life.

Also I don't own Twilight, just to let you know. Stephenie's story not mine. I just like looking at the stories behind the story.


I was alone. It'd been a long time since I was last truly alone. Not surrounded by armies - either human or vampire. No – I was all alone with no sort of companionship. There had been no more Maria for the last few years (though I wasn't complaining about that). Now there was no Peter or Charlotte either.

I'd left the companionship of Peter and Charlotte yesterday. They didn't understand the misery the death of my victims caused me, they were just glad to be away from the fight, away from the violence. Killing humans wasn't a problem to them.

I'd travel with them for years after Peter came back to rescue me from my Hellish life with Maria. At first I shared their relief to be away from the South, the place I had once called home. I had fought to defend the rights of the South as a human, but now I considered it nothing more than a large-scale vampire battlefield. Everyone was always planning their next move, their next target and their next fight. Everything judged by the 'herd size' to be gained or the vendetta to be repaid.

I recalled the battles that had left me scarred and remembered the newborns I had slaughtered, both enemy and no longer needed comrade. I shuddered as a recalled the devilish way Maria entrapped me, with lies, lust and blood. As I thought through those decades of my life I was nothing but thankful to have left.

But, overall, it didn't matter that I had left the South. For no matter where I went in America, no matter where I was to go in this world - if I could every bring myself to live my homeland, I would never be able to escape what I am.

I would never be able to escape from my thirst and my instinct to kill. Nor could I escape my 'gift' or 'curse', as I preferred to think of it as.

All humans felt the same emotions when they died. First there was fear. Then there was despair and worry. I might not be able to read minds, but I knew whom they despaired and worried for in their final moments: their families and friends, their husbands, wives, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers. They thought of the people who would now never see them again - all because of me. I couldn't hear their dying thoughts but I could feel the emotions they provoked. Their despair became my despair; their worry became my worry.

All in all, even away from the battlefields of the South, I was still not a happy person, or vampire, or whatever, to be around. So I left Peter and Charlotte eventually. No need to ruin their happiness. No need to force my depression on the happy couple.

That was another thing; I was fed up of being the third wheel. I wished to find someone with whom I could share what they had, but it seemed impossible. I knew Maria had lusted after me, I had felt it. Had given in to it enough times, I was a man after all still and there wasn't any better options. Also I'd do just about anything to stop her from getting in a bad mood. But it wasn't the same. It was just pure lust not love. I knew that for certain because, until I had spent time around Peter and Charlotte, I had never felt love off of anyone who shared this half-life of mine. I had felt it off humans though; I tried to avoid couples when hunting, killing one and not the other seemed cruel, but killing both was hardly a redeemable way around this.

It would appear love was not something I was destined to experience; I was trapped into this lonely half-life of mine. No one else of my kind seemed to feel the pain I felt after a meal. Why would they want to be paired with a depressive such as me?

If only there was a way around it. If only I didn't have to murder. If only I wasn't cursed with empathy.

If only, if only, if only, I thought sarcastically back at myself. I couldn't change who and what I was. I was eternally unchanging. 'Not changing' was kind of a big part of that. I was stuck for eternity as what I was, what Maria had made me.

I got off of the forest floor with a sigh. I could no longer ignore the burn in my throat, so I headed towards the collection of lights with a hollow feeling inside me. Heading towards the next innocent person to die at my hands. I had killed thousands of humans in my time and I remembered every single one. Tonight would just be one extra on a long depressing list. One more person whose despair I caused. One more person I would never, literally could never, forget.

Sure when I returned tonight my throat wouldn't hurt anymore, but my mind and heart would and I could never change that fact.

A/N: Regarding the date, the timeline for Jasper's past isn't entirely clear, so I picked a random year in the early 20th century and went with it.

Reviews are always appreciated. I'm still fairly new to this (only been writing for a few months) and I'm sure I still have lots to learn, so I'll take all the advice I can get.

Also, you have no idea how happy the 'new review' e-mail makes me :)