Title: Late Night Thoughts
Disclaimer: The characters of "Roswell" belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, WB, and UPN. They are not mine and no infringement is intended.
Summary: A peek into an early morning with newlyweds Max and Liz when the gang are on the run. It takes place a few weeks after Graduation.
Author's Note: This is just a short piece that was intended to be completely fluffy, but when I actually started writing, this is what came out. Hope you enjoy. Companion piece in Liz's POV: Early Morning Musings
I lie in our bed, my hands are resting behind my head and I'm staring up at the ceiling. It is early morning; the sun has just risen and is currently peeking through the small opening in the curtains, bathing the small room in a warm, soft glow. Sleep evades me this morning. There is no chance of returning to sleep now. I have too much to think over and worry about to do that.
I feel so helpless and unsure lying here in this tiny, cheap motel room. This is not how our lives should be, constantly on the run from the law. This is definitely not how I envisaged us spending the first few months of our marriage and life together. It is not fair on any of us, especially not on Liz.
My beautiful, amazing, wonderful, incredible wife, who is currently lying peacefully asleep next to me, blissfully unaware of the worries and regrets whirling haphazardly through my fully conscious mind.
I have no clue how we are ever going to get out of this impossible situation we've all found ourselves in. I don't know how Liz and I are ever going to be able to live that peaceful, normal, married life that I'm sure she's dreamed of her whole life.
Actually, I know she's dreamed of it.
I've seen it in our flashes.
I've never told her that I've seen her hopes and dreams for our future. In truth, she's always wanted normal. The traditional lavish wedding. The two-storey house in the suburbs with a gorgeous front lawn and a spacious backyard. Two gorgeous children, one boy, one girl, each a perfect blend of the both of us.
I know that I can never give her that. I don't even know if together we can conceive children, her being fully human and me…well, not.
That's why I haven't told her. I know that she tells me that it doesn't matter to her where we live or if we can have children, just as long as we're together, but I know that deep inside, she still hasn't completely given up hope that maybe one day everything will work out and it will be possible for us to have that perfect life.
But right now, I can't see that happening any time in the near future. I know that before the six of us fled Roswell, our hometown – the only home we've ever known, I gave up the throne and told everyone that I wouldn't make the decisions for them anymore. But I still feel so responsible for them. I can't help it. Liz says that it's just in my nature to want to watch over and help everybody, but I'm not so sure.
I've spent many hours thinking over the last weeks, when I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep. I've come to the conclusion that I feel this way because of guilt. It's my fault that we've been reduced to living out of a banged-up old van and sleeping in cheap, tacky motels, afraid to start living our lives for fear of being tracked down by the FBI.
I've made so many bad decisions over the last three years, all of which have led to the situation we find ourselves in now.
The first bad decision, although I could never regret it, was saving Liz's life at the Crashdown. That's what started this whole thing. Maybe if it had been someone else lying there dying, I might not have jumped up and risked everything to save them. But there is no way that I could've just sat by and done nothing to help Liz Parker.
Back then, being able to just see her everyday was pretty much the only thing that got me out of bed in the mornings and the prospect of living my life without her in it in some capacity was unthinkable to me.
No, what I regret the most is allowing Liz to walk away that day in May when we set off the orbs. I hate myself for not going after her and making her understand that she was the only one for me and that I could never be happy with Tess.
That bad choice set off this whole awful chain of events, during which I made even worse decisions: not forcing Liz to tell me the truth about her and Kyle, allowing Tess to weasel her way further and further into my life, choosing not to pay attention to what was happening in Isabel and Michael's lives, getting angry with Liz and refusing to even listen to her theory, losing my virginity to someone that wasn't Liz, not killing Tess when I had the chance, neglecting Liz in favour of searching for my son…the list is just endless.
The other decision that I really regret is the only one that I know was actually the right choice.
Giving up my son.
Deep down, I know that it was the right thing to do, that there was no way I would have been able to provide for him in the way that he deserves and it wouldn't have been safe for him to stay with me, but giving him away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I think of him everyday and I most likely will do so for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that might be.
With a heavy heart, I look over to Liz who is lying on her side, facing the wall. In sleep, she looks so young and innocent and so undeserving of the kind of life that we have now been forced to lead. The sight of her nestled between the sheets, the curve of her lower back peeking out from under the covers and the mass of long, silky hair falling over her shoulders and down her back brings tears to my eyes and I have to force down the sob that is threatening to erupt from my throat any second.
Seeing her like this, so perfect and unguarded makes me realise with sudden clarity what an idiot I've been over the last couple of years and what a mess I've made of not just my life, but also everyone else's. Isabel, Michael, Maria, Kyle, Valenti, my parents, Liz; they've all suffered because of what I've said and done and just the thought of how I've behaved in the past few months makes me feel sick.
But, as I watch Liz sleep, my heart fills with so much love for her that it lessens some of the pain. I'm so lucky to have her back in my life again after everything I've put her through. When I asked her if we could start again, after we returned from Vermont, I had expected her to tell me just where to stick it, but to my amazement she forgave me and took me back and I shall be forever grateful for that.
But now, more than ever, I know that I have to treat her with more love and respect than ever in order to make up for everything I've done to make her unhappy.
In my heart, I know that she will never be able to forget about Tess and my son, but I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that she knows she's the most important thing in the world to me and I plan to spend the rest of our lives doing just that.
I'm still watching her, but now I really can't take just looking anymore. I have to touch her. I want to feel her smooth skin against mine.
Turning onto my side and propping myself up on my elbow, I reach out my hand and let one finger trace the area on her back that is illuminated by the sliver of sunlight shining across the bed. Her skin is so soft and warm from sleep and to me it feels like home. I want to see her face, so I move my hand up to her shoulder and gently push back the hair that is lying across it, smoothing it round the back of her neck, exposing her bare shoulder and the side of her beautiful features.
I let my hand linger on her shoulder for a second, before stroking my fingers lightly over it and along her arm. She fidgets slightly at my touch, but doesn't stir. That's okay, I just want to marvel in her presence for a while and she doesn't have to be awake for me to admire and love her. When I reach her hand, which is resting on the bed, just below her chin, I can't help but let my long fingers to entwine with her much smaller ones, my palm covering the back of her hand.
I feel slightly awkward in this position, my weight supported by my left arm and so I slowly lower my body down to the bed, careful not to disturb her. I settle on my side behind her, my chest coming into contact with her bare skin. I love the feel of her naked skin against mine. We haven't been intimate that long, but I already know that there is nothing better than being skin-to-skin with Liz Parker (no wait, that's Liz Evans now). It doesn't matter if we're making love or just lying together enjoying each other's company, there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be.
I lift my head to place a small kiss on her right shoulder blade and then another on the side of her neck, just below her jaw. She shifts a little and I move my eyes to her face to see a slight smile appear there. Her eyes remain closed and I can tell from her breathing that she's still asleep. I untangle my fingers from hers and bring my arm down to encircle her small waist, bringing the rest of my body fully in contact with hers. I hold her close, my hand splayed across the slight curve of her stomach.
I know that Liz has been getting self-conscious about her body lately. Living the way we've had to since Graduation, we haven't been eating the best diet and there hasn't been a lot of time to think about exercise. Liz told me recently that at home she would do fifty sit-ups every morning and night to keep in shape, but she hasn't had the time or energy to do them since we left, and so consequently, she's put on a little weight.
I told her that it doesn't matter to me one bit. In fact, I think she looks sexier than ever.
I lovingly move my fingers over her stomach as I recall the conversation and then the events that occurred afterwards. Needless to say, we both ended up thoroughly exhausted, but completely content and happy.
As I reluctantly drag my mind back to the present I realise that my hand has shifted to her hip. My fingers, still splayed, are now resting close to her most intimate area and as much as I want to touch her right now, she's still sleeping and I could never violate her like that.
I choose the safer option and relocate my hand back on her stomach, hugging her to me once again.
I drop my hand down onto the pillow and relax my body behind hers. I bury my nose in the back of her neck, which is still covered by her hair and inhale her scent. I don't think there'll ever be a time when the touch and feel and smell of her will fail to turn me on.
I don't think I could ever live without her.
I glance down her body at the sunlight shimmering on her skin and I realise that it won't be long before we'll need to get up and face another day on the road with Michael, Maria, Isabel and Kyle. I know that I won't be getting any more sleep this morning, so I content myself with holding the love of my life in my arms.
The sound of her steady breathing soothes me and helps to calm the worry inside of me. Without intention, I find myself pulled into a fantasy about our future together. As much as I know it will probably never be possible, I too have a secret dream that one day Liz and I will have that lovely house with the front lawn and backyard. Maybe even with a picket fence. And children. There is nothing I want more than to have children with Liz. In my fantasies though, we have at least three and sometimes even four or five.
My daydream shifts as I imagine how much fun we'll have conceiving those three, four, five kids. We'll spend long hours lounging in bed. I can just picture lazy Sunday mornings when we don't have to get up for work and can just lie in bed and spent time together. We're going to be so happy and in love and nothing will ever come between us ever again.
My fantasy is abruptly cut short by a small noise. It's coming from Liz. I suddenly feel her bottom pressing firmly against me and I manage to gather my senses enough to realise that while I was off in my own little world, my hand had made it's way down to her leg and my fingers were now tracing small circles over the skin of her inner thigh. I also realise that the movement of her lower body against mine has awoken another part of me, which is slightly less welcome at this particular moment.
Liz once again shifts in my arms, "Mmm…Max…" she murmurs softly and I realise that she's waking up.
I flush with embarrassment and shame at what I had been unconsciously doing. Now she's going to think I'm some sex-crazed maniac who was trying to molest her in her sleep! What's worse is that my fingers have yet to cease their movements on her skin.
I promptly still my hand and lift it from her thigh, hoping that she's not awake enough yet to realise what had happened.
No such luck.
"Mmm, Max, don't stop," she whispers breathily, rubbing her body against mine again.
She's now most definitely awake and although I don't wish to deny her, I can't bring myself to return my hand to its previous position. I opt for placing it back around her waist again and pulling her back towards me in a tight hug.
I nuzzle my face into the side of her neck. "Sorry," I whisper shamefully. "I didn't mean – "
I don't get the chance to finish my sentence because Liz turns towards me and I loosen my arms around her to allow her some room to move. I barely have time to register that her eyes are fully open before she presses her mouth against mine.
The kiss is soft and sleep-filled at first, but quickly goes spiralling out of control. The only thing I can think about is the taste and feel of her soft lips caressing mine.
All too soon, she pulls back and I open my eyes in question to find her staring lovingly at me.
"Wha – " I try to question, but she stops me with a finger to my lips.
"Max, don't ever be sorry for touching me, okay?" she says. "You're my husband. You're the only one who's allowed to touch me and I couldn't bear it if you thought you had to hold back for my benefit."
I smile at her in awe for a second before coming to my senses. "Liz, I could never take advantage of you. It would just be wrong."
She just smiles and shakes her head at me. "You're not taking advantage of me if I want it too." She leans in close to my ear and whispers, "And I do want it. I did want it," she amends. "So much," she emphasises.
I pull back and stare at her in shock. "You've been awake this entire time?" I question.
She peers up at me sheepishly, but with a smirk on her face. "So much for being able to tell if I'm asleep from my breathing, huh, Max?"
I move my hand up to my face and cover my eyes, too mortified to look at her. "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed."
But then I feel her warm hand against mine. She pulls it away from my eyes, forcing me to open them and look at her. "Don't be, Max. We're married now, we shouldn't feel embarrassed around each other."
"But – " Nothing more comes out of my mouth as Liz's lips are suddenly fused to mine once again. I feel her arm come up around my neck and she pushes me down onto the bed.
Her tongue slips into my waiting mouth as she shifts her weight and manoeuvres her body onto mine. We are chest-to-chest, groin-to-groin, skin-to-skin and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't think straight and it's driving me crazy.
I grab hold of her hips, but before I have a chance to lift her up, she ends the kiss and pulls away, lifting her head to gaze down at me.
"Before we get too involved in what we're doing, I just want to let you know that later we are going to have a talk about what's got you so worried that you've not been sleeping," she states matter-of-factly.
I open my mouth to protest that there's nothing wrong, but one look from her tells me that she knows exactly what I'm trying to do and I snap it shut. I look up at her guiltily and nod reluctantly. She knows me too well.
Looking relieved, she smiles at me gratefully.
I smile back and we exchange a silent message of understanding before I see her gaze drop to my lips, her eyes darkening.
"Now, where were we?" she murmurs seductively and then answers her own question. "Right about here, I think." I am enraptured at the sight of her tongue slipping out to lick her lips before they descend upon my once again.
I wrap my arms around her possessively, concentrating only on her.
The problems and hardships of the outside world fade away. Right now it's just us.
We're together and everything's perfect.