The following series was only intended to be two or three chapters in length but has grown to nearly 35 in the past year. I want to thank authors such as "Lovely Linda", "JMD Nelson", and others for both inspiration and idea development.
This series follows the life of Leena Klammer/Esther Coleman. From her violent escape from an Estonian mental hospital, to her life in America and her journey into the lives of the Sullivans and later, the Colemans. Note that the series does contain strong language at times as well as violence/mature themes but it is meant to reflect the violent and sick nature of the character portrayed both in "Orphan" and in this work and is told from Leena/Esther's unique first person perspective.
Many have written me and I always look forward to my reader's feedback, either positive or negative. All chapters are in order. Thanks for reading xD
Today I sit in an orphanage waiting for a family to adopt me. To adopt a grown woman trapped in a child's body. I write in this journal because it's just so boring here. These children meander about like mindless idiots. Innocence is truly bliss for them! I reflect now that it has been an entire year almost since I escaped from the Saarne Institute back in Estonia. That hell on Earth that I rotted away at for nearly six long years. I remember that damp and rainy day. That day when I escaped that horrid "hospital" as it is called. I sat in my barren cell, restrained in my straight jacket. The staff at Saarne always told me this was for their own protection but to me it was a form of pure torture! "Violent", "dangerous, and "Antisocial" were words the staff always used to describe me.
They treated me like an animal so I lashed out like one. Now all I had to look forward to were long empty days in my room with no social or human interaction of any kind. Then they wondered why I became so violent with them? The day I escaped out of that hell hole started out not much different than any other. It was ten in the morning and I could hear one of the other patient's screaming down the hallway. I wanted to bash his face in, he wouldn't shut up! It was all day with him! But his demons got the better of him I suppose. I could hear the rain dancing on the small barred window in my cell. I looked out into the gray abyss of that rainy skyscape, wondering if I would ever find a man who would love me like my father did. I struggled in frustration against my restraints. I weighed only 83 pounds yet the straight jacket was secure and tight. I struggled constantly to escape but never to any avail. Now I have these fucking scars to show for it.
In utter frustration I threw myself against the padded wall and curled up in the corner. I began to sob bitterly. My mind was coming more unglued with each passing day. Here I was - a 32 year old woman trapped in the body of a child. "Nobody will ever love you", I said to myself out loud. "You worthless piece of shit" I screamed. I sobbed more heavily and again peered out the tiny window, tears pouring down my cheeks. Seven brutal murders to wind up where I was. I thought to myself for a second about the people I had killed. I almost felt pity, more for myself than for them. They deserved to die you see, they denied me the love I desire, the love I yearned for, the love I would and have literally killed for. I was the victim, I am the victim, and nobody in that fucking hospital could fucking even begin to understand me or what I was going through. "You did this to yourself, Leena" I sobbed. I fell over on my side and curled into a ball and cried for what seemed like an eternity. I did this often.
The loud knocking sound on the metal door of my cell startled me out of my sobbing. I heard a voice through the door. "Leena, it's time for your weekly meeting with Dr. Varava" the voice barked. "You know the drill, stand up with your back against the door". This was literally the highpoint of my life at the Saarne Institute. I spent 23 hours a day in that cell except for my showers and rec time and any chance to talk with a person I truly did look forward to even if most of the staff I viewed as mindless assholes. Dr. Varava was so attractive to a lonely woman such as myself. I wished he would cuddle me and take away my pain. He seemed to be the only one at the hospital who took a legitimate interest in me. Without a word I stood up and did as I was told.
The door slid open and two orderlies led me out of the cell. The dimly lit hallway cast errie shadows as I was led down it's vast interior. The screams and cries of other inmates echoed through the empty space. Slowly I was led down the hall, through a couple of turns, and then down to the second floor to Dr. Varava's office. My tears dried and my heart seemed to lift as I seen him at his desk. I almost became giddy like a school girl, yes, even I, who some would liken to the female equivalent to Ted Bundy, was giddy over this handsome middle-aged stud of a man.
"Dr. Varava, Leena Klammer, your 10:30 appointment" said one of the orderlies as we entered the room. He glanced up from the glare of his computer screen. "Good morning Miss Klammer, please be seated." Still restrained in my straight jacket, the orderlies seated me in front of the rugged psychologist. He did bear some resemblance to my father, maybe that was why I seemed to love him. It didn't matter though. I was just glad he was willing to pay attention to me. "Good morning" I chimed.
"Shitty weather we're having, no?" He nodded in approval and opened up his case file. "Leena, how are you feeling today?" he asked, his hands clasped on his desk in front of him. "I was crying" I said in a low voice, "I'm so fucking sick of being kept like this" I added. "Now Leena" he went on "just last week you bit an orderly when it was time for you shower, it is only in everybody's best interest that you remain restrained."
"Why in a damn straight jacket Dr. Varava" I pleaded. "Can't I stay in my room without one?" I asked. "Leena, hospital policy is we keep troublesome patients restrained for their own safety and the safety of the other patients and staff" he calmy replied. "So I guess that's me?" I asked. He nodded. "Please, please, doctor" I begged edging closer in my seat. "I'm sorry for how I behaved" (I was lying) "I promise I'll calm down, PLEASE believe me!" I broke down sobbing. He shook his head, "Leena - in six years you've had over 30 assaults on staff and patients". His reasoning was breaking me down.
I sobbed more heavily, these tears were real, I wanted so badly to be let out of this straight jacket and out of that horrible cell. I put my head on the edge of the desk and cried. The orderlies were still standing behind me. "Leena, I want to help you but you need to learn to control yourself and your violent behavior" he told me matter of factly. He sat back in his chair and looked into my eyes as I glanced up into his. "I know you can be manipulative Leena but I really want to believe your willing and ready to change, but I must take into consideration just how dangerous you really are" he told me. I looked down onto the floor. My heart was sinking fast. I sobbed quietly. "I want to think your sincerity is real Miss Klammer, so I'll meet you halfway". I glanced up, "Meaning what" I asked?
"Leena, I am willing to go back on my word and let you out of your straight jacket but I need to keep you confined in your room for continued observation" he informed me. "I also want to see if you would be willing to try some new medications to help calm you down" he added. I nodded in approval. "Okay then, when you get back to your cell I will have the orderlies remove the straight jacket but one mishap Leena and I will put you in it again, do you understand?" I nodded quickly again and thanked him. "I will come to your cell later today and see how you are doing Leena, you take care" he added. I nodded and again thanked him one last time for his generousity. His agreement to let me out of my restraints made me so elated. I felt as the weight of the world was being lifted from off my shoulders
I was escorted out of the office and took the journey with the orderlies back to my cell. The three of us entered and the two men began the process of unfastening my restraints. Within a few moments I was free from that cloth prison and once again was locked alone in my cell. I wished I could be with the doctor so badly. My meeting with him was making me horny and I took the liberty of pleasuring myself for the first time in God knows how long. All the while my thoughts were of making love to Dr. Varava, for him to make love to me like I've been craving for so long. What a mental release when I reached myself to orgasm. I was able to lay down in my cell and drift off to sleep. What I dreamt about, if anything, I have no recollection. These damn children screaming around in this orphanage are making it so hard to write, but I'll keep writing.
I remember it must have been hours later because it was now dark outside. There was no light in my cell. For the second time today somebody came knocking on my cell door. This time it was Dr. Varava and an orderly with a tray of food. I sat up as my eyes adjusted to the light coming in from the hallway. The orderly set the tray down on the floor next to me and stood by the doctor. "Good evening Leena, I'm here as I said I would be". I glanced at the food and then to the doctor. He opened his hand and extended it to me. "Here is 30 milligrams of Zyprexa" he said dropping two white pills into my hand. I placed them in my mouth and washed them down with glass of water the orderly had left on my tray. Suddenly the loudspeaker went on. "Dr. Varava, you are needed in Ward C" announced a shtrill female voice.
"Leena, we must talk later" he said. The orderly and him left the room and they left just as quickly as they came. Frankly, I wasn't much hungry for food even though I did not eat breakfast or lunch. Suddenly, I noticed something. The cell door was slightly a jar. They forgot to lock me in. I stood up gingerly and closed the door. It tried to open it after it was closed and lo and behold I could easily open it! I smiled wickedly. The thought suddenly entered my head that this open door could be my ticket out of this place. The question remained in my mind was could I actually somehow walk out of this hospital without anybody noticing. Just because my restraints were gone did not mean I still wasn't suffering alone in here. I sat back down. "Leena, looks like your lucky day" I exclaimed to myself. I decided I would wait until it was very late before I made my move. In the meantime, I would sit it out and bide my time...
In Chapter 2, Leena finally decides to make a break for it, but can she pull things off as she plans them to be?