The Case of the Farting Human


"Are you feeling all right?"

Ugh, no, I was not, but I wasn't about to tell Edward. He tends to go overkill if anything at all is wrong with the "fragile human", and the fact that this particular problem was extremely embarrassing. I couldn't stop squirming; the expanding gas in my lower intestine was just begging to be emitted. Churning and groaning, my stomach and intestines wouldn't stop their incessant feeling of burning, hot Hell. Most the time I would say "better out than in" and let rip, but this time I was surrounded by not only hyper-sensitive vampires, but one of the only vampires in the world who would relentlessly tease me about it.

I loved Emmet, but sometimes he could be a little insensitive about my needs.

So I just said, "Nope, I'm just fine" my stomach kicked in "Nothing wrong what so ever", I moaned

Persistent, he was, and went on "No, you're not, you can't stop squirming around. What is it you're not telling me?" he gasps "Are you pregnant?"

"No, what? Edward, pregnancy wouldn't occur unless there was sexual contact of some kind."

He stares at me suspiciously, "When was the last time you went to see Jacob?"

"UH! I can't believe you!" I got up and started walking to the door.

"Bella, I'm sorry, you know how I am! I'm always jealous, don't mind me."

"Whatever" was all I said, and we went back to sit on the huge white couch.

I had come over to the house today after I got off from work, Edward had been telling me that Alice wanted to go shopping, but, fortunately, I hadn't seen her at all.

The pain in my stomach decided to make its presence known again. I leaned over and groaned, which alerted Edward. Who then looked like a fat man guarding his Twinkie.

"Bella? You are not okay. I'm taking you to the hospital." He stood and started to stoop down to carry me.

"No! No, I'm fine, alright, just sit back down, I'm fine."

Emmet started, "Bells, is that you who's makin' all that noise? Hell, it sounds like some dogs fighting over one of those bouncy balls filled with peanut butter."

The pain was too sharp to think about the oddity that Emmet even knew what those things were. I'm mean sure he was right, my lower half was making sounds that would make a rabid bunny rabbit run away with it's fluffy little tale tucked between it's legs.

I heard a sharp smack, and turned towards it. Looked like Emmet had his ass served by Rosalie.

"Bella, don't mind him, I'm proud of your human tendencies, even if they are inconvenient, and ultimately the most disgusting things we've ever seen" , she said all this batting her eyelashes, I just stared at her dumfounded, and to be honest angry.

"Well, Rosalie, you've always seemed to want these "disgusting things" so much, haven't you? I guess you're just a big hypocrite."

"Ha! Me? A hypocrite? I don't think so. What ever is going on in your body right now, is something I want to experience fully!"

That being said, I stood up and started walking to her "Fine! You want to experience it?! Here, enjoy it all!"

I had gotten over to her; she was looking at me with indignation in her eyes. I just stood in front of her and let it out.

The look on her face after that can only be described as this: Her eyes widening, nostrils flaring. She sniffed the air a couple of times. Her mouth set to a look of pure obscenity. Her eyes opened even wider, and she let out an ear piercing scream of terror.

"THAT IS THE MOST VILE THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE!" Running out of the room, I was left with Edward and Emmet. Both looking to shocked to say anything.

Finally, Emmet buckled over and let out the loudest guffaws known to man. He looked like, if he had been human, he would have puked with the force of his laugh.

"YOU- YOU JUST-" He laughed some more.

After about 5 minutes of laughing, I realized I hadn't heard a peep out of Edward. I turned to him, afraid of what he might think.

He was whiter than usual and looked like someone had just eaten his Twinkie. I got even more nervous. His expression was blank; he'd never looked so much like stone. He turned to me and smirked.

"Jesus, that was noxious", Great way to break the silence, Emmet.

I blushed, "Thanks for your kind words Emmet", with a sarcastic tone.

Edward spoke, "Feel better now?" , he says it with a laugh in his voice, and I'm not worried about the stage of our relationship anymore.

I smile, "Much."

And this being said, I know for sure that he'll be with me forever, no matter what is coming out of me.


It was short, but fun to write.

R&R :)