So we've reached the end of the road for Goren and Eames on our TV screens, at least for now. The only good thing, they will live forever in fan fiction. Told in Eames-vision
Spoilers for Lady's Man and Loyalty.
Things were different lately. Well not so much lately, it had been a few months since things had changed. By changed, I mean the dynamic between Bobby and I. It was…. Well…. Calmer, quieter, but there was something else. This unspoken shroud of protectiveness and faith I felt lately. Like all of the time and energy and loyalty I had for Bobby was finally being repaid. A two way street, so to speak.
I first noticed the change when Kevin Mulrooney stepped back into my life. That case was rather uncomfortable to deal with. I have no earthly idea why I ever entertained any romantic notions of him. Chalk it up to PTSD. Though, some of my discomfort came from Bobby. I was taken aback by him lurking around me closely during the case. Questioning my sexual past like an inquisitive boyfriend. The case ending in a rather chivalrous gesture of Bobby passing the cuffs to me after flattening Kevin like one would a slimy ex boyfriend of their current flame. Perplexed and stressed I followed through as most expected me to, stern and cold and tough as nails. Then I went home and cried my eyes out.
And it wasn't for the reasons you'd have expected me too. There is no love lost for Kevin Mulrooney. I cried because it was after that case that I finally allowed myself to realize just how much I loved Robert Goren and just how lonely the two of us were.
And I was scared. Scared we'd remain in our boxes forever.
And that summer came and went. Cases flew by with the days and Bobby and I stayed on our path of closeness, yet locked firmly in our protective boxes. We spent free time together more than we ever had. And it wasn't a lot, but after wrapping up a case or a hard day we'd go out to eat or hang out in the park munching on hot dogs and drinking stale coffee. He'd talk about cases and articles in his beloved Smithsonian. I'd talk about Nathan and cases and not much else. But we were at peace and that's what counted the most.
Then Danny Ross died. Shot and killed while immersed in an FBI investigation. And things changed again.
I was numb with grief and shock so it was hard to really get a sense of Bobby's hand rubbing my arm. But as he drew me into his chest, I for a second, fell into his massive warm embrace. And for that second, allowed myself to drown in his tenderness. Like an oasis in the middle of a war. The sounds and sights snapped me back to reality pronto and I shifted out of Bobby's orbit. Righting myself and reconfiguring into the Eames everyone knows.
Later that night when I was finally able to catch an hour or two of sleep, all I could think about was that fact that Bobby touched me…..
He never touched me. Ever.
And we had been through some Jim Dandies of emotional strife.
The man watched me cry about my dead husband's murder and did nothing but look down and then up again to plead with me about doing the right thing. Not once did he lay a hand on me, a reassuring pat, nothing.
I basically extended the same twisted courtesy. I watched this man's mother and brother die. I watched him find out his father was a serial killer. I watched him barely hold on to shreds of his sanity and dignity, while the world stomped on him like used trash. And I never once lay a hand on him. Not a reassuring pat….. Nothing.
It was our dance and I wasn't sure why the death of our Captain, as upsetting as it is, gave Bobby reason to change things up on me.
But it made me crazy.
He made me crazy.
Doing his typical "Bobby" things. Acting out, shoving suspects, making me do my "Save Bobby" dance for the brass.
But the thing that made me craziest was how much I thought about him. About his touch, his hands, his body, his smell, his eyes…..
I was the one changing now. Questioning my priorities and my life.
Questioning why the hell I kept these thoughts and feelings locked inside for so damn long!
And Bobby gets suspended…….Again.
But this time it's different. He doesn't hide from me. We talk everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. We even see each other. I'm actually invited to Che' Goren. The walls lined with evidence photos, our Captain murdered. I'm nursing some of Bobby's ridiculously strong cups of coffee and wishing he's hoist me on the counter and fuck me senseless. He drones on about doing some undercover mumbo jumbo and I wish he wouldn't.
He tells me what my brain is thinking when he says that never stopped him before.
I still wonder what his kitchen counter would feel like against my ass.
I took the lieutenant's exam because….. Well, because I could, I guess. I had no intention of leaving Bobby, but a girl needs a little self esteem boost once in awhile.
I aced it.
Now Moran is offering me Captain. But there's just one thing.
I have to fire the man I love.
Yeah I said "love".
I love him. I have for a very long time. And even the brass seems to know it.
"Deep personal feelings"
What the fuck does that mean?!? They should just say it.
We know you love him, but fire him anyway.
And I do…..
We enter the Captain's office and Bobby congratulates me immediately. And my eyes swell with tears just as quickly.
"You know what they want."
And his eyes rake over me with pity and relief and maybe a little tiny bit of smug lust.
I'm crying, pleading my case, telling him how hard this is for me.
And he tells me how easy this is for him, that he'd been expecting it. That my doing it, made it kinder and gentler.
I can't take my eyes off of him. Those deep brown eyes filled with all the knowledge and all the sorrow in the world. I want to kiss him, right on the lips, onlookers be damned.
But I don't.
Instead I tell him he's the best and he always will be.
He doesn't take those eyes off of me for a second.
"Sure" He whispers.
Then I think he's walking away, but he sort of doubles back. He embraces me and he kisses me on the cheek. It's a long kiss for a cheek kiss. But I'm too busy cursing him and myself for it not being on the lips, to fully enjoy.
When he parts from me I can still feel his stubble burning and there's and emptiness that threatens to swallow me whole.
And I know what I have to do.
And I'm pretty sure he knows too.
"Uh…see you around."
It almost sounds a little like the punch line to a joke. We both know we'll see each other "around" very soon.
I watch Bobby's back (no pun intended) as I unclip my badge and un-holster my gun.
The call to Moran takes me less than two minutes, just long enough to get down to the parking garage and catch up with Bobby.
Packing his few remaining work possessions ever so slowly, he waits for me. And he tries to look surprised when I show up. Of course he misses nothing, immediately noticing the absence of my badge and gun. I read his mind and try to explain.
"I love you."
That was the best and simplest way I knew how to explain it.
"But you probably knew that already." I added, shaking and scratching my head as I tend to when I'm nervous.
"Yeah." Bobby nods too and a part of my stomach drops when I see a bit of anxiety scatter across his expression.
"It was time Bobby…" I assure him. "I had to go."
Bobby laughs a little.
"You knew I was coming didn't you?" I needed him to confess.
"Yes." He answers. And looks me dead in the eye, his anxiousness disappearing, relief taking it's place.
Or maybe that's what Bobby Goren looks like when he's in love.
"You know……" Bobby pauses for what seems like an eternity.
"I love you too. I have since….. For a really long time. And I may not have always acted it…..But…"
That's my cue.
He said it too.
I stop Bobby's little self torture tirade by placing my lips over his and kissing him with every bit of strength and passion I have.
And it feels like the end and it feels like the beginning and it's everything I ever dreamt about.
Bobby embraces me and now there is nowhere off limits to touch. Neither of us care anymore if someone sees us. We no longer belong to the NYPD
We belong to each other.
Things were indeed, very different lately……