A quick deviant from One Piece to Fullmetal Alchemist

This is pure and simple- crack! Expect OOCness and stupidity


Without Hawkeye, All Stops

In a certain office in Central, quiet reigned supreme. There was no rustling of paperwork or light laughter. There was no clicking or clanking as a small young man tried to fix an old wireless. There was no drone of a older man wittering on about something inconsequential. There were no yells as a burly ginger man attempted to escape a small husky. There were no grumbles as a dirty blond lieutenant was forced to put out his cigarette. There were no gunshots, or squeaks of startled Colonels who should have been working, not napping. In fact there was nothing. The only sound infiltrating the motionless space was the quiet hum of five brains slowly turning into a sludge that could only be described as pinkish grey with flecks of salmon. Everything had come to a complete... stop.

Lieutentant Colonel Hughes, in a moment of boredom, had decided it was about time he visited his long time friend, and barged into the room as usual. Expecting a shot or a flame he prepared to duck, but instead all he got were the last remains of a fly, rendered brain-dead by the stupor and flown into the fan above. Glancing around the five blank faces, well technically four, as Roy Mustang was hidden behind a wall of paper work that for some odd reason appeared damp at the bottom, Hughes noted they were all staring at the one Vacant Desk. A Vacant Desk that should have First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye at it. For a moment Hughes stared too, before sauntering over to Mustang's desk.

"Yo, Mustang, you in there?" he called into the paperwork fortress. In sense the Colonel was there. His body was slumped over the desk, unshaven and drowning in at least three days worth of drool and comical tears, hand limply holding a blue pen that had doodled subconsciously on a soggy piece of paperwork. However his mind was clearly away in the land of Happy Ponies. Glancing at the doodle, a knowing grin spread across Hughes' face. Just for laughs- aka, blackmail- he took a few snapshots. Finally, a mumble left Mustang's lips.

"She's left me Maes..."

Deciding to play innocent, Hughes replied, "Whose left you?"

"Riza... she's not been in for days..." Hughes grinned at the use of the young Lieutenant's first name.

"Maybe she's been kidnapped," he whispered. The colonel sat bolt upright, a forlorn piece of paper comically stuck to his cheek.

"Riza, kidnapped? Is that possible?!" the frantic man was almost crying in desperation. Just a few more buttons! Hughes thought.

Pulling his best poker face, he replied seriously, "I would be expecting a ransom note any minute."

For a moment the Colonel seamed disbelieving.

Just to stick the knife in, Hughes added, "If you save her, I'm sure she'd be happy to marry you." At this the Colonel was on his feet and yelling.

"MEN! IT IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT I RESCUE HAWKEYE, BUT I WILL NEED YOUR HELP!"

There was an uncomitted grunt from the zombie like unit. The deluded Colonel however didn't notice.

"MY BELOVED FIRST LIEUTENANT RIZA HAWKEYE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND IT IS OUR DUTY TO..." The door had opened quietly. A calm female voice resonated through the room.

"Who has been kidnapped, sir?"

There in the doorway, framed almost perfectly, stood the lovely "damsel" the Colonel had all but screamed his devotion to. Hughes almost doubled up in laughter at the expressions of not only one ecstatic Colonel, but the four other men, who had turned simultaneously to stare blankly at her. Silly, silly Roy! Mustangs eyes opened wide, and filled with joyous tears. Hughes was sure he saw a furiously wagging tail. Then, in one fluid movement, Roy Mustang launched himself over his desk, sending paperwork flying, sailing through the air towards a decidedly stunned Hawkeye, all the while yelling, "HAWK~EYE~!!!" until he almost knocked her to the ground in a full on bear hug.

"S-sir, this is most inappropriate!" Mustang wasn't listening as he began to babble intangibly, giving her the biggest puppy dog eyes the world could ever know.

"Iwassoworried! Ithoughtyou'dbeenkidnapped!" Roy paused for a moment to sniff loudly.

"I was on sick leave..." Hawkeye mumbled, slowly suffocating in the idiot's tight hug.

"Wereyousick? DoIoverworkyou? I'msorry! Pleasedon'teverleavemelikethatagainRiza! ILOVEYOU!!!" At this Hughes doubled over in laughter, while flipping Hawkeye's notice of absense over onto the side that silly old Colonel Mustang had so maturely doodled a love heart with Riza written in big letters across it.


My first Fma fanfiction, and it's pure crack. Lord crack is fun to write!