This story was spawned from total and complete randomness while working one day. A friend and I were trying to think of a number of words that one would never hear Sean Connery say. This story is littered with them and it's quite fun to imagine his voice saying them as you're reading. Enjoy. Reviews are always welcome but try to remember, writing is meant to be fun! And I had ALLOT of fun writing this.
The Nautilus, a large ship at sea, is somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. The ship was once owned by the famed Captain Nemo of a previous order of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Nemo's ship now belongs to Will Turner (aka the new Davy Jones) who has the ability to live forever following the events in the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
Since the early twentieth century, the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen's purpose has been reduced significantly. The British and American Governments no longer have use for the secret task force, even though their talents were super-human and shared by few. Thus, by the early 21st century, the League's name was changed to The League of Extra Men; a group who would only be summoned if there were not enough military forces on hand. Because of this, the League drifts at sea on their ship, waiting for some useful purpose.
[On this typical day out at sea, the League has assembled in the cafeteria and are all eating lunch.]
Napoleon Dynamite: [recruited for his ability to bore people to death with his inane drivel, is sitting in a corner of the room looking at his food as if having a staring contest with it. The food is winning.]
Austin Powers: [international man of horniness (but mostly mystery) is in the center of the cafeteria. While totally forgetting about his food, he is using the table as a catwalk, where he has stripped down to his underwear. Occasionally, amidst taking pictures of himself, he gives Claire Bennett, the cheerleading regenerator, a huge crooked-toothed grin.
Claire: [tries to ignore him while eating her soup. Accidentally, she stabs herself in the face with her spoon.]
Neo aka Mr. Anderson: [The One (who never has any idea of what's going on) is staring at his French fries quizzically and attempting to make his own spoon bend with no success.]
Adrian Monk: [the obsessive compulsive detective is isolated off to the far right of the room, counting the peas in his soup, one by one. Occasionally, he groans and starts over.]
Sean Connery: [enters the cafeteria, slinging his Winchester rifle over his shoulder. As Allan Quartermain, he was brought back from the dead by an African Witchdoctor who had told Quartermain that Africa wouldn't allow him to die. Apparently, even after 47 other deaths, Africa still feels that it needs him and continues to revive him.]
Sean Connery: Blast that little bearded man! [slams his fist down on the counter]
Neo: What did I do?
Claire: You don't have a beard, you idiot.
Austin: I've got a beard for you, baby. [purrs]
Sean Connery: I told him to throw the disc, damn it. Instead, what does he do? He stares off in the distance at a click of bloody dolphins like he's never seen them before. [turns to the lunch lady] Yes, I'll have a smoked turkey sandwich. Hold the mustard.
Austin Powers: The dolphin's a symbol of freedom, mate!
Sean Connery: Well, while he was getting in touch with his "inner hippie", I fired a warning shot at him to show that he needed to pay attention.
Monk: Twenty-four, twenty-five… [looks up] Wait, did you just say you shot someone?
Sean Connery: [to the lunch lady] Christ, I said no carrots! What do I look like, a bloody rabbit?
Claire: He said he shot "at" someone. It doesn't mean he actually shot him.
Sean Connery: Then, he laughed at me, the little bastard. So, I shot him.
Monk: [stands up] You what?
Napoleon: I hunted wolverines in Alaska with my uncle one time.
Austin: That's groovy.
Sean Connery: Quit your whining. He deserved it. [to the lunch lady] And can I get a martini with that? Shaken not stirred. [leans in close] Oh, and if it's possible, could I get some kind of a snacky-poo?
Neo: What's a snacky-poo?
Claire: Nice job, Sean. Did you at least take him to the sickbay?
Sean Connery: Well, I would have if he'd still been breathing.
Monk: [hysterical, starts pacing the room] So you killed him because he laughed at you? I don't understand! That's not a motive!
Sean Connery: [to lunch lady] Pringles? Who eats Pringles anymore? Is there anything else?
Austin: Well, at least he died peacefully.
Claire: He was shot! There's nothing peaceful about that.
Austin: He was watching the dolphins! You know, they're all swimming out there in the water, all… peaceful-like.
Napoleon: So… where's the body?
Sean Connery: I put it in one of the torpedo chambers.
Napoleon: Why the flip did you put him there?
Sean Connery: Well, I figured the next time we go to shoot a torpedo, we'll be ejecting his body out into the sea.
Claire: Why not just throw him overboard? I mean, honestly, no one was watching.
Austin: I'm always watchin', baby.
Sean Connery: Couldn't have him floating about on the waves like flotsam and jetsam. Besides, this seemed more funeral-like. [to the lunch lady] Dessert? I'll have the cookies. No marshmallows. Eh-what? No. No jello.
Monk: [cringes as he notices something in his food] We haven't used the torpedos since that time when we were on the coast of Maine.
Napoleon: Yeah. That lobster was… incredible.
Austin: I've got a bigger crustacean, if you know what I'm saying.
Neo: [turns to Austin] That's code. You're working for the machines, aren't you?
Austin: Of course not! I'm all about love, mate!
Neo: Love? [squints an eye suspiciously]
Monk: [tweezes a small black substance out of his food] The day we fought the lobster was nearly five years ago. What if its another five years until we use the torpedoes?
[All of them think about this.]
Napoleon: Eww. That's nasty.
Sean Connery: [biting into his sandwich] We'd have to take him out with a shovel, I get it.
Monk: [turns green]
Austin: Well, come on then? Who'll be the lucky one to pull him out?
Monk: Absolutely not! I just washed and ironed this suit. The torpedo bay is filthy… you can't expect me to…
Neo: Clean, tidy suit. Are you an agent?
Claire: I'm not doing it. [looks at Sean Connery]
Sean Connery: Don't look at me, lass. I've got snicker doodles on the way here. I'm not about to miss out on those.
Claire: You put him in there! You should take him out.
Austin: I'm an expert at that sort of thing, if you know--
Claire: Yes! I get it! Geez, you're worse than Milo Ventimiglia.
Sean Connery: My, that boy's a lecherous buffoon, isn't he? [turns toward Napoleon] What about him?
Napoleon: I'm not flippin' doing it!
Sean Connery: Too late. You have to. You're the only one left.
Napoleon: [looks at Neo] Neo can do it, not me.
Neo: Do what?
Napoleon: GOSH!! Neo, you fat lard!
Claire: [seething angrily] Fine. I'll do it.
Austin: [leaps toward her] Do I make you randy, baby?
Neo: [jumps up from the table, sending his soup flying through the air. Starts using kung-fu on Austin] Run, Trinity!
Claire: Oh god, not again.
Austin: Judo chop! [hits the back of Neo's neck, knocking him out]
Monk: [is hit by the flying bowl of soup, his suit instantly drenched] Ahhhh!!! Icckkk!!
Napoleon: You don't have to be so loud!
Sean Connery: [laughing his ass off]
Claire: Enough! [marches off to take care of the deed]
[Everyone, with exception to Neo, who is knocked out, follows, including Sean Connery, who brings along his tray of "snacky-poos". In the hallway, Will Turner joins them.]
Will: What's going on?
Claire: Sean was up on deck shooting discs. The officer throwing them got distracted, so Sean killed him.
Sean Connery: [chewing a snicker doodle] I told you, the bastard was laughing at me. You have to teach these kids something about respect.
Austin: Well, I think we can say he won't be bothering you again.
Napoleon: He was just looking at the flippin' dolphins…
Will: [shaking his head] You know what? I don't want to know any more.
[entering the torpedo bay]
Monk: [hops to try and avoid the smudges of dirt on the floor. He brushes against a wall.] Wipe! I need a wipe!
Claire: Which torpedo chamber is it?
Sean Connery: That one over there. Mmm… I haven't had a good snickerdoodle in years!
Claire: [tries to open the door. It doesn't budge.] Umm…
Austin: Hang on a moment, baby. I'll open it. [grabs hold of the door handle and pulls] Yeeeeeeeeee!!!! Uhhhhhhhh!!!!
Sean Connery: Oh, for cripes sake, move aside, boy. [He, too, tries to open the door]. Damn!
Will: It's locked.
Napoleon: Is that so that the missile doesn't escape?
Will: [rolls eyes] It's a safety measure. Once a torpedo is inside, it prevents anyone from coming along and tampering with it.
Claire: Is there anyway to open it?
Will: One man has a key. His name is…
Sean Connery: …Everett. Yes. Unfortunately boy, it's Everett who's stuck inside the bloody chamber.
Will: [shakes his head]
Monk: Wipe! Wiiiiiiiipe!!
Claire: Now what are we going to do?
Napoleon: I can break the door off. Let me get my nunchucks from my locker…
Napoleon: But I want to!
Will: [to Sean] Why did you put him in the torpedo chamber?
Sean Connery: [eating another snicker doodle] Well, if I'd known there was a blithering lock on the thing, I wouldn't have stuffed him in there!
Monk: Ehhhhckkkk!!! My shoes!
Claire: Why don't we just fire the body out of the torpedo chamber?
Claire: There's no other way to get him out…
Sean Connery: Good point, lass.
Will: Fine. But let me do it, okay? I don't want anything else bad to happen.
[All stand back as Will goes to the controls and begins pressing buttons]
Austin: [to Claire] Does this torpedo make you…
Will: Firing in 10, 9, 8...
[All of a sudden, Neo bursts into the room]
Neo: AGENT!!! [runs at Austin and tackles him]
Claire: [jumps to avoid behind hit and runs into Napoleon] Ugg!!
Napoleon: Gosh! I don't like you anymore! [backs away from her, bumping into Monk]
Monk: AHHHH!!! WIPE!!! [jumps onto a raised platform, nudging Sean Connery]
Sean Connery: Watch out, you buffoon! I'm eating snacky-poos here! [Swings his arm to knock Monk away but hits Will instead]
Will: Oh! [falls, his finger hitting a coordinate button. The torpedo shifts position.]
[The torpedo fires, and the entire ship rocks. Everyone falls over.]
Monk: My suit! My suit!
Napoleon: What the flip!
Will: [watching the screen] There's the body… wait a minute? Is that a torpedo?!
Claire: [to Sean Connery] You put him in there with a torpedo!!
Sean Connery: I didn't know it was there! But it explains why it was so hard to fit him in there.
Austin: [Still fighting with Neo] All this talk is making me positively randy!
Neo: Who's Randy!!??? Is he a spy??
[All watching the screen. Something explodes in the distance.]
Will: What was that?
Intercom: We're picking up a distress call.
Claire: Oh no!
Sean Connery: Well, now look what you've done, you silly boy!
Sean Connery: Take some responsibility!
Neo: [kicks Austin, knocking him out. He jumps up looking at Sean Connery] Are you the Architect?
Monk: [is just yelling incoherently in the background]
Sean Connery: No. I'm not a bloody bridge builder. I'm an actor!
To Be Continued…
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was created by Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill. The film version is copyrighted to 20th Century Fox.
The characters of:
Napoleon Dynamite was created by Jared and Jerusha Hess and Jon Heder. Film is copyrighted to MTV, Fox Searchlight, and Paramount.
Austin Powers was created by Mike Myers. The film series is copyrighted to New Line Cinema and Pathe Distribution.
Claire Bennett was created by Tim Kring. The television show, Heroes, belongs to NBC.
Neo (Mr. Anderson) was created by Larry and Andy Wachowski. The film, The Matrix, is copyrighted to Village Roadshow, Silver, and Warner Bros. Pictures.
Adrian Monk was created by Andy Breckman. The television show, Monk, belongs to Touchstone Television, Mandeville Films, USA Network, NBC Universal, Universal Media, and Universal Network.
Will Turner was created by Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio. The Pirates of the Caribbean Film Series belongs to Walt Disney Pictures.
I own nothing except for the sheer randomness of sticking all of these characters together.