"I remember like it was yesterday when you ran away." Sam turned from the computer and starred wordlessly at his brother. "It was a beautiful day. Absolutely beautiful. I took my time walking back from the minimart, just because I was enjoying the day. I figured you were safe at the apartment, and I could take the long way back. And it took me maybe ten minutes longer to get back to the apartment than normal, and I opened the door, I could hear the shower running, because, damn, you could hear everything in that apartment the walls were so thin and the pipes so old." Dean said and licked his lips, but he never turned his gaze from the window. "I yelled to you that I brought back your favorite doughnuts, you know the ones with the jelly inside, and I went and sat down in front of the television and found a Batman cartoon."
Dean chuckled to himself and looked down at his naked hands. "I just watched a Batman cartoon wile you were running away from me, and I sat there and didn't even know. I guess I've been pretty much brainless like everyone says for a long time." Sam's eyes stung, he knew his brother wasn't stupid and he didn't mean to….but Sam swallowed, realized he deserved to hear this, deserved to hear his brother' s pain. If he was good enough to dish out the pain, he deserved to hear about it.
"The shower was on for a really long time. Really long. And I knew the hot water didn't last that long. And the longer the water was on the more worried I got. I though that maybe you slipped in the shower and hit your head and died or something stupid like that. I hurried into the bathroom and you weren't there. The shower was running, but you weren't there, your clothes weren't there. My first thought was that you had been kidnapped, and I did a sweep of the apartment and realized that that couldn't have happened, so then I'm running around frantically trying to figure out where you could have gone. I knew that you wouldn't leave the water running for no reason, and then after twenty minutes of frantically searching, I finally realized once I saw that all of the reserve money was gone, that you had left, that you had run away on my watch."
Sam remembered. As soon as Dean called "I'm gonna go get breakfast." And slammed the door he had been up and hatching his plan. He gathered all of his clothes, all of his shoes, all of his stuff, stole the back up money and dashed out the door, and just ran. He just wanted to be free, wanted to be away from a life filled with nothing other than death, destruction, and obsession over a woman he had never known. That was all he wanted. He had wanted out. And honestly, he hadn't thought it would bother Dean. He and Dean had fought a lot during that time, and so he assumed that Dean would be happy to see his 14 year old brother disappear. How selfish.
"I got in the car and I started driving, looking everywhere for you, trying our codes to see if you had left me a clue, see if you were just playing. But I searched all day, checked bus stations, trains, everything I could think of. I couldn't find you." Sam heard Dean's voice hitch and his brother took a moment to collect himself before he continued. "I went back to the apartment and I called Bobby, because I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't call Dad. He'd be so furious with me. I mean number one priority was keep Sammy safe. That was my job. That was all he kept me around for." The tears came down now and they glistened in the sun.
"I searched for days, days. Bobby kept checking in with me, telling me that he hadn't found anything, and that he was still looking, and that he hadn't heard from Dad, and when he did he'd send him back this way. I wanted Dad and I didn't. I knew if Dad was there he would find you, because he was better at it than I was. But I didn't want him there because I was afraid he might tell me to go away, that I wasn't worth anything anymore, because if I couldn't protect you, if I couldn't keep you close, then what in the hell was I good for?" Dean angrily wiped his eyes and continued. "I don't think I slept or ate the entire time you were gone, and honestly I didn't even notice. I was a mess. I was frantic, and later Bobby called me wild eyed. I must have been a sight. Bobby eventually got a hold of Dad and Dad came and found me at the house talking to Bobby. When Dad got there…" Dean licked his lips.
Sam prayed to whoever would listen that what he was about to hear wasn't what he assumed back in heaven. "When Dad got there, he grabbed me by the throat and threw me against a wall. 'How did you lose Sam?!'" Sam startled at how accurately Dean's voice matched their father's. "'Are you so stupid that you can't keep track of a 13 year old boy!' He still had me by the neck and he slammed my head into the wall, my teeth rattled, and some of them were loose for days, I figured I would lose some of them, I got lucky. He kept hitting my head against the wall, shouting at me, telling me that if I wasn't so God damn stupid, I would know that you were in danger, that there were things that were always going to be after us because we were his sons, and how could I let you out of my sight for a minute. I just went to go get food. It wasn't like the first time, wasn't like I went to go play video games or do something fun. I was trying to keep food in your stomach. I didn't mean to lose you. I didn't mean to drive you to run away." The tears came faster from Dean's eyes. He swiped at them again, harder this time, like he was mad for having them.
"He eventually let go of my neck, and I could take a deep breath again, but no sooner had I got my barring, he hit me square across the jaw so hard that I literally saw stars, and sank down onto the floor. Then it went black. And when I came to, he'd figured out where you were. I'd searched for days, days, and he came home and in two hours figured out where you were. I, to this day, have no idea how he did it. But he did. And then we went to go get you. We found you, and you were so pissed that we found you. You yelled at me for telling Dad, and getting you in trouble. I felt like such a piece of worthless filth that day. I ruined your normal, and Dad didn't trust me.
All I've ever wanted Sam, was family. All I've ever wanted was to make the people around me happy. All I've ever wanted was to be loved. That's it." He wiped his eyes again. "And now that I know that your heaven is time spent without me, time spent alone while I needed someone to stop Dad from beating me senseless, or time spent with someone else having a thanksgiving meal while I sat at home alone with a father who got drunk and passed out and forgot to leave enough money for me to go out and even buy a cheap pumpkin pie, or leaving me with an angry drunk man who thought that I was somehow responsible for your desire to leave the family, because I encouraged you to be smart and get good grades, because I allowed you what you wanted. And then get abandoned by him as well, so I'm left alone hunting, and getting hurt, and patching myself up in motel rooms alone, because no one is willing to come and help me. You talk about when I died and I left you and you had to be a certain way because of it, well, try having everyone you love just leave you voluntarily, be anywhere but near you and not willing to come and help you, or even just to talk to you and make you less lonely. I guarantee you that is worse than any death. At least you know I didn't leave you because I wanted to leave you." Dean stood up and turned from the window, and faced Sam, his eyes were blood shot and his irises were extra green, and the tears flowed freely down his face. Sam wanted to hug him, but he knew that would be received with a punch rather than acceptance.
"You said you and I have different views on family. I guess we do. And I guess I don't have any right to be mad at you for how you feel. But I just wanted you to know. Your heaven is my hell."