The Dark Kingdom Chronicles

Jadeite's Guide to Villainy

Intentional Humorous OOC (you have been warned)

Rated PG-13 (for graphic violence and scarring imagery)

By: Mercurialis & The Pirate Illusionist


My name is Jadeite and I am a general of the Dark Kingdom, ruled by the Great Queen Beryl. If you have come across this diary then it means that I am no longer around and thus am not able to physically obliterate you for this great invasion of my property. This book has been the reason for my success and also holds the key to why I am as handsome and wonderful as I am. Please take note that no ordinary person will be able to succeed in what I do best – pleasing Queen Beryl. In the end, I leave you with my words of wisdom and my blessings upon your evil clan – whatever your goal may be (world domination or ridding the world of Endymion's fashion sense).

Day One of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Today was my first time out in society for quite a long time. As I was browsing a town full of useless mortals looking for a good place to gather energy for the Great Queen Beryl, I came across an adorable sunglasses store and a promising looking gym (not for energy gathering, mind you, but for these love handles – note to self: leave the cave more often and get some exercise, sometimes it's not good to hide yourself away in a dark room for days at a time). There is also a lovely lake that I would not mind sailing a ship on, even though I've never been seen on one before, and an airport! How I love airplanes!

Though, I digress. Those places would not please Queen Beryl right now. That was when I came across a fabulous looking jewelry store. I knew it would be perfect for getting energy. I needed a new pair of earrings myself, so I knew a ton of young mortals would need jewelry as well. It was the perfect place to steal energy while they all still looked fashionable in diamonds and pearls.

I'll send Morga. She'll be perfect and Queen Beryl will be most pleased.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

It's me again, Jadeite. Queen Beryl is most displeased and I am saddened by the epic failure that was today. After getting my mission approved by Queen Beryl, I had sent Morga to collect energy at the jewelry store mentioned above. Things were going swimmingly and my presence at the location was not even required.

So, I had decided to spend the evening watching What Not to Wear here in the cave, while communicating telepathically with Morga to keep myself updated on the status (she was also keeping me posted on the American Idol results since the internet connection here in the Dark Kingdom is lacking). My eternal rival, Zoicite, stopped by for a while to watch television with me – but I kicked him out when he made a remark about how similar we are. We are not. In any case, this is not what distresses me tonight, though on any normal day it would.

About half past ten, right in the middle of a heartbreaking episode, the energy gathered by Morga suddenly vanished! I looked into the matter only to learn that some mere – badly attired – woman had the audacity to interfere with my mission. And not only that, but some rose throwing fool with a cape also appeared on scene. Hopefully it won't happen again, but next time I'll have to be more proactive just in case.

Now I need to go sleep an extra two hours tonight to negate the effects that this stress had on my skin.

Farewells

Day Two of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Queen Beryl sent me to the surface once again to devise a new plan about stealing energy from these foolish mortals. Since I had bought these new sunglasses the last time I was up here on the surface, I decided to try them out – but I did not want to wear my normal uniform with them. It would just not appear very fashionable. So, I found a trench coat in the back of my closet in the cave and went to the surface.

No one even seemed to notice me! I was inconspicuous as I saw the line of humans outside of the new fortune telling building. I passed by them and they did not even notice me again. This place will be perfect for our plan. With all these silly humans wanting their fortune told, there will be massive amounts of energy for us to collect.

I must inform Queen Beryl! She will be most pleased!

Farewells

Dear Diary,

Again it is I, Jadeite. Queen Beryl is not pleased again with me. I thought the plan was going swimmingly when I reported to her and told her that I had everything under control. I sent Barm and she was brainwashing those foolish males in that society. They were all falling for it, too, and I thought I could settle into an episode of Project Runway, but I was proved wrong.

Nephrite came into taunt me about how my plan was going south with that mocking smirk on his face that I wanted to smack off. I did not go up to the surface, but Barm was destroyed by that woman again who is parading herself in some hideous sailor uniform. Pathetic minion, I thought she would actually prove worthy for this task, but we were foiled by wannabe heroes: the girl and the man who thinks he is all that by throwing roses.

I will have them next time! My next plan will be even better!

Farewells

Day Three of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

I think I have found my true calling. Sometime between now and the last time I updated, I had discovered a passion for DJ-ing. I even have the perfect disguise name for myself upon the surface, J-Dite, hosted at my own show entitled Midnight Zero! What do you think of the program name? Personally I find it to be in very good taste! I only mourn that my handle on the surface might be too inconspicuous and that I won't be able to be admired as myself. This experience reminds me of the days I spent as a child, wishing that I could be a radio DJ. However, I remind myself once again that I am not doing this for the fame.

Tonight, instead of watching the Oprah episode that I had taped, I was out in the world reading a badly written love letter from a foolish adult woman whining about how she wants to see her lover. Women make me cringe, they are so easy to brainwash and manipulate. In any case, my fool proof plan this time includes sending tacky broaches in the shape of flowers to those terrible women and sucking their energy while they sleep for eternity. I'm so diabolically evil. However, I do worry that the late nights might be bad for my complexion, so I must rest up until tomorrow night.

Queen Beryl seems to be pleased by my plan this time, though it makes me sad that she hasn't commented on it much. In any case, I've sent Flau up to the surface for this occasion; I have every confidence in today's plan.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

Once again I, Jadeite, have returned bearing unsettling news! As I was hosting my show tonight, some rude, small-breasted woman burst into my program and – on the air – told my genius plan for the world to hear! It was most distressing. Furthermore, I finally came face to face with the ugly little girl with bleached-blond hair who keeps foiling my plans. She brutally killed Flau in a very unbeautiful manner – something I was actually a little thankful for because she had the most terrible-looking toga on today and it was very distracting to the master plan. The girl, who called herself Sailor Moon, then attempted to attack me by throwing her body jewelry, which infuriated me to no end as that is no way to treat your valuables, no matter how tacky they are.

I tried to be kind enough to throw it away for her, but she then attempted to jump on me in a quite rude manner. While it is understandable that women will throw themselves at me, I must draw the line somewhere – that is why I have decided that I will only love beautiful people. Therefore, I attempted to rid the world of the brat as I dramatically strutted over to her with my hand on my hip (I was quite enjoying the way that she was quivering in fear by my very intimidating presence).

Just as I was about to make my move, a single rose halted my advance and a very annoying man called Tuxedo Kamen appeared. That top-hat is also not beautiful. However, I did end up retreating out of respect for his amazing cape. On that note, I must find out where the original woman who foiled my plan got her sunglasses, they would go wonderfully with my trench coat.

Tomorrow is another day. Next time, Queen Beryl will be pleased. Until then-

Farewells

Day Four of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

I have found my true calling. Yes, I did write early that being a DJ was it, but Sailor Moon ruined that and now, there is a new true calling. It is even greater than the last.

I was born to be a fitness instructor. They always are in shape with their appealing looks and nicely chiseled abdomens. They wear adorable little outfits and strut around, telling people what to do. They have all the power by yelling how fat their customers look. It is the perfect occupation for me! It means that I can dig out a new outfit for this plan of acquiring energy and I have just the one. I do not wear it often and Kunzite and the others always poke fun at me for it. What other time is perfect for a purple sweat suit with green stripes? It is fashionable and comfortable: two things that everyone should look for while picking out an outfit.

I took the time to admire myself in the mirror. While all my other outfits are very becoming of me, this is my favorite. I will never get rid of it. I think some day I might even marry it. That way, this sweat suit and I can stay together forever. It is better looking than all the women I have been with, much more comfortable and form fitting than all of them together. This sweat suit will never leave my side. Perhaps I will wear it under my uniform at all times or I'll petition to Queen Beryl about how we should all wear sweat suits like this. It would be perfect for lounging around the cave in.

Anyway, after I put on the sweat suit, I grabbed a pair of glasses and saw how dashing I was. It would make any of these pathetic girls fall in love with me with the way the glasses consumed almost half my face. The foolish Earth women seem to like big glasses. Well, now I have to go prepare by watching some old tapes of that funny little man with an afro who could give Zoicite a run for his money called Richard Simmons. He wears these funny little shorts and isn't too attractive, but he is great at aerobics. Until later,

Farewells

Dear Diary,

It is I, Jadeite, with unhappy news. I was foiled again by that ugly little Sailor Moon. Everything was going well as I went up to Earth in my lovely sweat suit, all intentions on getting the most energy from these people. Queen Beryl had been most pleased with this plan. It was perfect after all. All females wish they were thin and complain about how obese they are. It is no trouble to get them to come to this gym, especially with…hm… I don't seem to recall my henchman's name. Ah, there are too many to try to think of her name. We should really have fewer henchmen. Then, it would be easier to remember all of their names and I would not keep forgetting them. Anyway, I stood stealthily by the window, staring menacingly at the victims below as they entered the gym. They would all be perfect with their chubby bodies and full of energy!

It was going well as I convinced many of them that they were going to lose weight and I even reported on how well things were to Queen Beryl and she was most pleased. So, after I had them exercising, I convinced them to go into this machine that sucked their remaining energy. It was the most fool proof and ingenious plan I have thought of yet! Just like how great this sweat suit is!

Unfortunately, that was when the brat, Sailor Moon, showed up. I had no time to fight with the wimpy girl so I sent a few large, muscular men on her. I should have stayed there to watch how the battle went down, but I had more important things to do. There was a new episode of Army Wives on and it was calling my name. My sweat suit was perfect to watch it in. The horrible news came to me later that Sailor Moon had fouled up my plan once again.

Next time, I'll show her up. You'll see.

Farewells

Day Five of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Today I was feeling quite unfabulous so I sent my youma, Iguara, up to the surface to do whatever she pleased. I briefly heard her mentioning something about possessed rabbits, but whatever.

I honestly don't care at the moment because Zoicite, Kunzite and I are having a movie marathon (we are going to watch Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, I'm so excited) as we are taking the time out of our busy schedule to mourn the loss of our pet tarantula. I know, it is very distressing; especially how my eyes are red from all the crying last night after I first heard the news. Nephrite was going to attend but was caught by surprise by the timing of the event and decided to bail out in order to touch up his roots. He has so much hair that it must be quite the difficult task. Kunzite told Nephrite that he should embrace the grey and go with the distinguished look. However, I disagreed – Nephrite doesn't have the bone structure or the manly chest that Kunzite has, so it would only make him appear to look older.

I must take my leave, the cheesecake that I baked is just about ready and I have to check the progress of the crème bruléethat I made just for this event.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

Jadeite here, I hope you've been well. If so, that makes one of us. Queen Beryl is very unpleased with me tonight. Iguara has been killed by that meddling Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen, all the energy has been stolen and I totally was not expecting that ending in Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. I hate cats and dogs. Personally my taste in animals borders on the small and furry, like my deceased tarantula, or loyal and feathery, like a crow. I like crows, crows – while unbeautiful – are very striking and noble.

Kunzite and Zoicite were also mean to me today since I was wearing my sweat suit to watch the movie in. I hate them. In any case, I must report to Queen Beryl and formulate my plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow, Sailor Moon, there's always tomorrow.

Farewells

Day Six of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

I found out how much humans love music and how much they love to listen to it. There are all different kinds of music out there. I listened to much of the music that is out there to see what it is like and personally, I like the British girl group called the Spice Girls. Their song Wannabe hit a note in my soul that depicted me perfectly. Baby Spice is just adorable, but she's not the girl that I have set my heart after. That would have to be Sporty Spice. She looks fashionable and I still have a slight fetish with work outs (I'm wearing the sweat suit right now as I write). After the Spice Girls, I would have to say the Backstreet Boys are next. N'Sync does not compare to them or even hold up to them. I will listen to their songs while I plot my next evil mission.

I should do something with music and I think that these humans could be influenced by it. Have you seen they way they dance to it? They look like they are having seizures. So, I went to Queen Beryl and suggested that we use subliminal messaging. She was most pleased and I sent my youma Kyurene to take care of it. I am too busy to go up myself. I am having a musical marathon with the others.

We tried to invite Queen Beryl, but she said she was too busy moving her hands in front of her crystal ball. Now, I'm off to watch Moulin Rouge!

Farewells

Dear Diary,

Jadeite checking in once again. Queen Beryl is displeased with me again. She said I should supervise my youma so this pest Sailor Moon does not get in the way every single time. She destroyed this youma – I had thought this plan was perfect. Stupid humans. Because of this, I was pulled out of the middle of High School Musical and I'm very upset. When I came back, Zoicite was laughing and making fun of me in song. Then, they played the CD of the human, Yuusuke, that interfered with my plans. I need to go back to planning, so I'm cutting short this marathon. Grease will have to wait until another day because I need to focus all my attention on Sailor Moon!

Farewells

Day Seven of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Human music continues to obsess me, and my love for American Idol in conjunction with the adoration of the musical talents of Zac Efron has inspired me to chase after my dream of being involved in the production of a musical talent! In order to accomplish this I have sent my minion Derella to the outside world in order to lay out my evil plan. I myself made an appearance – once again wearing my amazing glasses – and had a satisfying taste for the career as a talent scout before I had to come home quickly after my built in security alarm for my DVD collection went off. Zoicite was meddling in my room again, trying to steal Grease because he was so upset about the marathon ending early. What a rude man! I'm just glad he didn't go anywhere near my brand new copy of 17 Again.

Upon reflection, I've found that I've always been musically inclined. Even my dream of being a radio DJ leads me to this road, for I want to be a DJ of music – not speech. My ideal woman would have to be someone who also is musically inclined, for that is one of the requirements that I have of being a beautiful person. Speaking of beautiful people, I myself am looking especially so today. On another note, Zoicite has discovered a lovely program on the television entitled GLEE. We must watch it later.

Meanwhile, last night I snuck into Queen Beryl's room because I wanted to test my theory that classical music makes a person have a more pleasant disposition (Did you know that she moves her hands over her crystal even when she is sleeping?). All this stress must be putting her out, I mean – never resting for a moment! My poor Queen!

Later today I'm going to throw the Hairspray soundtrack in the giant throne room stereo. Queen Beryl will be pleased.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

I, Jadeite, am feeling quite GLEE-less – excuse the pun. Derella screwed up and gotten herself killed by Sailor Moon and I could swear that I witnessed a wrinkle appear on the Great Queen Beryl's face as she lectured me once again about how I do not supervise my subordinates in an adequate manner.

Well, maybe I would if they were fun to be around – but they just want to sit in a dark cave all the time in silence and none of them ever want to join in my movie marathons or dinner parties. It's not like I don't try to bond with them, but Queen Beryl lectured me anyway and continued to be displeased, especially more so when I attempted to cheer her up by presenting her with the sweat suit that I bought for her. I then burned the newly purchased sweat suit for daring to cause my Great Queen even more distress; I could have sworn she even turned a shade of green. Quite unbecoming. I wonder what Nephrite, Zoicite and Kunzite will think of theirs.

In any case, I must think of a new plan now. How hard can it be to kill one annoying little girl anyway?

Farewells

Day Eight of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Today, I decided that intelligent people have a lot of energy. Well, I really decided that intelligent, beautiful people have the most energy, but not everyone can be like me. So, I have to settle with those who are less beautiful and just intelligent, although humans sometimes do not access every bit of their brain. That makes them perfect for this and the youma Garoben was ready for the job. She is absolutely hideous, so they will fall for it right away. Like I stated, not everything can be beautiful like me, though I'm going to petition to Queen Beryl that we get better looking youma in the future. That's good.

I can't bother going up today. I have better things to do after the last time I was up there. I forced the other generals to join me in a game of Guitar Hero. We finally were able to get the technology down here in the Dark Kingdom and I am going to take every possible opportunity to explore my musical side. I wanted the drums, but Kunzite pushed me away and claimed how he was the manliest of us and deserved to play the drums. Oh well, that means I get to play the guitar and I am a guitar hero. I'll be the best out of us all! Zoicite's high voice suits for singing and that leaves Nephrite with the bass. I'm sure he will do fine! Hopefully they can all keep up with me.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

I, Jadeite, was in the middle of the song Hotel California when Queen Beryl sent another henchman to come get us. She is too lazy to come get us herself and I was humiliated in front of everyone again. I was lectured on how Sailor Moon showed up, but that was not the worst of it. Apparently, another one of them appeared in the cram school.

I could not leave until she was done lecturing me and I had to stay for an extra ten minutes so that she could go off about the Hairspray soundtrack and how it interfered with her alone time. It was worth it, but it was not worth it when I went to get the other generals to resume our game of Guitar Hero. They refused, saying how much of a loser I was that I could not manage to succeed at an evil plot and that I was a terrible guitarist. I will get back at them all: Sailor Moon, the new Sailor Senshi, Tuxedo Kamen (who didn't even show up) and the others.

Farewells

Day Nine of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Today I was feeling more productive than usual (mainly because the other Generals were being so mean to me, that I decided to leave the caves for a while) and decided to go back to Tokyo for the day. It's a good thing that I did because while I was there I was just noticing how busy the measly human's lives were. In fact, all that rushing around and busy atmosphere made them appear to be even less glamorous than usual. Oh, how I long for the days when hectic city life had not existed. I cannot wait until the Dark Kingdom destroys the world and we can all live in peace. However, I will have to make mention to Queen Beryl that we keep the cable companies running; and that we spare the cast of LOST. I really want to find out what happens next on the island – and off.

While I was formulating my new plan to gather energy (and searching the strip mall for a video store), it occurred to me that a combination of shopping and preying on the human's weakness for time was the new perfect plan! I, at once, summed Ramua to the field and we opened up a clock shop filled with our evil, energy-sucking clocks! It was also at this point when I realized that all my women subordinates have the same physical appearance, I'm surprised that no one caught on to this yet. No matter, with her distracting face tattoos, Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury should have a terrible time trying to fight any serious battles.

Also, on the way back to my cave I picked up some delicious fudge for Queen Beryl. She will be most pleased. Oh, and about the plan too, I'm sure she'll like that.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

I, whom happens to be Jadeite, am feeling quite disturbed today. For the first time I had the entire world under my influence due to the success of my adorable clock shop (Have I ever mentioned that I always wanted to be a clock-smith, ever since I was a small child sitting at my father's knee? No? Well, that's another story for another day when I am feeling much more energetic.), and Ramua had Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury at her mercy!

Everything was going so swell, in fact, that I rushed back to the cave in order to catch The Bold and the Beautiful, since the title reminds me so much of myself. However, it appears that while he may not have appeared yesterday – Tuxedo Kamen was actually regrouping and formulating evil plans of his own! The ugly man had the nerve to show up at the last second and destroy the source of Ramua's power. I am angrier than usual because I especially warned her about placing her weakness at such an obvious location but she didn't listen to me. Queen Beryl wonders why I am not saddened by the death of my minions. This, and the fact that they are horrendous in appearance, is why.

Why must I be surrounded by such amateurs? In any case, Queen Beryl complained a lot today again and I could swear that I saw a grey hair upon her royal head. I want to be of help, but I don't know what to do. I only have Just For Men™ and I have a feeling that she would not be pleased if I presented it to her. Maybe if I left it by the royal chamber pot anonymously?

I'm going to bed early so I can wake up in time to start my new job, I'm so excited – it sounds fabulous!

Farewells

Day Ten of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Today, I have two tasks instead of one. Queen Beryl awoke me from my beauty sleep and I barely had time to style my hair just perfectly before slipping into my uniform to appear in front of her. She told me that I must destroy the Sailor Senshi while trying to collect energy so our devious plan can move forward.

If anyone can complete this mission, it is I, Jadeite! From my time out of the cave yesterday, I found the perfect place to go: the Hikawa Shrine. No one will suspect me there and I can be completely inconspicuous. As well as that, many people come to the shrine and I can collect energy that way. I have no doubt that I will be able to get in and gather energy.

The only thing I regret is that I will have to miss the Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon today. I have it set to record. We do not get TiVo down in the cave. I can't wait to go back and root for that ugly scrunched up face vampire, the Master, and then, I will root for the mayor because he really is the mastermind behind it all. Those stupid humans in that show never should have won. They were weak and pathetic. They should have been killed in the first episode. Enough of my rant, to the shrine!

Farewells

Dear Diary,

I, Jadeite, am disappointed in how everything turned out and Queen Beryl is not pleased. I went up to the shrine and the old man is a fool. He trusted me right away and let me work for him. It was the perfect plan and I had the perfect name! Who would think that I, Jadeite, would be Jed, temple shrine worker?

Even his bizarre, yet strangely attractive, granddaughter did not think that I was from the Dark Kingdom! His granddaughter's looks are infuriating, yet hypnotizing. I couldn't stop looking at her when I'm supposed to be collecting energy. Also, she had the most amazing crows as pets! They were so well behaved that they only attempted to skewer certain people at their master's request. My desire to have a new pet to replace my deceased tarantula has resurfaced. As for the shrine maiden, she might just be one of the few truly beautiful people left on this planet. If only I could have kidnapped her to take her back to the cave, but she started to catch on.

I was collecting energy by the busloads when she finally figured out that I was behind the whole thing. I could not have her in the way, beautiful or not. So I sent her to the dimension where my butch-looking youma was taking the ugly humans. After that traumatizing event, I went back down to the cave to find that my episodes did not record because Nephrite had turned off the VCR.

That was not the worst part of my day. Sailor Moon was on the bus heading towards the dimension where I was collecting energy and decided to try to stop my youma. My youma would have had her if it wasn't for another one of them appearing. On the bright side, as I attempt to be the optimistic one, I was told that the new Sailor Senshi has fashionable red heels. If she was not a Sailor Senshi, I would take her back down here. She has the perfect fashion sense for me. Those red heels complete her outfit, but that is beside the point.

The group of them defeated my youma like there was nothing to it. There should have been no escape for them either even though they defeated it. They would have been stuck there if it weren't for Tuxedo Kamen mysteriously showing up in the driver's seat of a bus when he had not been there earlier.

So, Queen Beryl scolded me yet again. She has been in such a bad mood these past few days. Maybe she has a visit from a monthly friend? I've never experienced that myself, so I would not know what to do. Zoicite might have an idea. He's the closest to a female that I know. Maybe if I try to buy her something like chocolate, she won't scold me so much. Next time I won't fail! Mark my words, Sailor Senshi!

Farewells

Day Eleven of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Have you ever been to an amusement park? Well, of course not – seeing as though you are nothing but the collection of my precious memories and I had never been to one before this very day. Anyway, today as I was perusing the town above in search for a secluded location by the bay in order to listen to The Notebook soundtrack without having the others laugh at me, I discovered a quaint amusement park that was just begging to be visited. After I went on my favorite ride (The merry-go-round – Zoicite had told me of this contraption before and just how amazing it was, he was not lying this time!) a dozen times, and ate delicious looking clouds called cotton candy, I then noticed that there were many other people at the park with me! At least one hundred of them, at the most! Not just any people, no – energetic people at that. Who would have thought – people with energy at an amusement park! Ingenious!

I returned at once to the Dark Kingdom (I needed to drop some wonderful unicorn statues I purchased back off at my cave) and informed Queen Beryl of my new plan. It appeared that she was pleased, but she also sounded a little bit grouchy. While my mind drifted as she ranted at me about how I'm running out of chances (What a kidder she is!), I noticed that she was also having a problem with her cuticles. No wonder she is so moody today, I must inform Zoicite that he should see to that – hand care is his specialty. I'm sure he has moisturizing lotion somewhere, or maybe he'll take her with him the next time he sees his manicurist.

After I found Zoicite and told him of this dire emergency, I summoned Murid – my last remaining minion and the least beautiful of them all – to the scene and informed her that we were both going to work undercover at the amusement park to gather energy! I had the most amazing outfit that I bought at the costume store years ago back from when I wanted to become a security guard. I recall once telling my mother about this dream but shying away from it when she discouraged me. She always did that – always telling me that I needed to become something beautiful and ruined my dreams. In any case, I'm certain I will quite enjoy my time as a security guard while Murid lures the stupid humans into a castle of energy sucking paradise!

Farewells

Dear Diary,

I, Jadeite, may be having the most unpleasant day of my life. My new vocation had started out so well when I impressed a crowd of younger people (including the beautiful shrine maiden that I had seen before) with my skills at being able to forcibly remove (in a beautiful way, that is) fifty people out of a single doorway without breaking a sweat. It was very manly, and I was very intimidating to behold. That's why it was beautiful, my mother was wrong. In any case, Queen Beryl was not impressed by that display and instead has decided to focus on the negative aspects of my mission. You see, once again my plans had been thwarted by those pesky Sailor Senshi.

Murid was doing her Chucky thing that she does and had Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars at her mercy. Just as a random observation – Sailor Mars was looking especially delightful today; I have never felt this way before. Plus, the numerous panty shots, especially of her, was the highlight of my day. I even skipped leaving early just to watch, because I'll always have Gilligan's Island to get back to later – Nephrite did not turn off the VCR today so I was able to tape the marathon on TV Land. Good stuff.

Anyway, Sailor Mercury and Tuxedo Kamen appeared out of nowhere and thus my evil plan was ruined and my last surviving minion was slain. I was very sad, but was not distracted enough to forget to bring a box of Godiva Chocolates back for Queen Beryl so she would be pleased. She was not, and she gave the chocolates to Zoicite who laughed at me while he ate all my favorite pieces in front of me – the chocolates with the cherry fillings. I almost cried. Queen Beryl threatened to kill me again today, but I think that when she beholds the fountain that I had installed in her royal chambers with the last of the Dark Kingdom savings she'll be in a better mood.

Also, when I was eating in the lunchroom cave I noticed that someone had posted a mean bulletin about how whoever had left the hair dye for Queen Beryl was going to be severely punished for insulting our Queen so. I think Kunzite may have written it, it has his dramatic flair all over it. I think he's jealous because I'm only trying to make our Queen even more beautiful than she already is. Zoicite, by the way, has told me that he is going to take Queen Beryl to his appointment sometime in the beginning of next week. Then he said something cryptic about how I wouldn't be around to see it because Queen Beryl is displeased with me. I think he's jealous.

Farewells

Day Twelve of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Instead of my usual indulgence of watching Charmed, I was watching videos of Sailor Moon instead. It is not my favorite activity in the world, but after I had been threatened by Queen Beryl, I know my next plan has to be a success. I do not think that she will actually sentence me to death, but she has been awfully testy lately and trying to see Sailor Moon's weaknesses are my best bet. Besides that, maybe I will get to see that fiery Sailor Mars. It is strange when I see her. She is almost as beautiful as me, but hatred fills me at the same time, like that is how I am supposed to feel when I see her. I wish she would appear on these tapes more.

That is not the point of this. The point of me watching all the tapes was that there were no more minions for me to call on. I did not have another minion at my beck and call and that meant I have to do this on my own. I have amazing plans, but I want Queen Beryl to be pleased and I want to make sure it is fool proof so that Sailor Moon does not get the best of me again!

While I was watching Sailor Moon, Thetis appeared to me. I told her to leave me alone, but she said she wanted to help me. Her idea is better than all of mine! I was thinking about stealing energy from all the world's nursing homes. Her cruise ship idea will have to do, especially since I have always wanted to be captain of my own cruise ship. I told my parents this when I was a young boy and they laughed right in my face, telling me I was too much of a failure to captain a ship. I will show them! They will see how I can maneuver a ship in the water!

Well, I need to go to the tanning booth. Captains should appear tall, dark, and handsome.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

I, Jadeite, wish that I could rewind this day and do it all again. First, Zoicite locked me in the tanning booth, so when I came out, my skin looked heavily tanned and almost black. It was horrible and the only thing I could do was change my hair color to black so that it looked okay. However, when I put on the captain's uniform, I did look charming. I was sure that I would succeed with Thetis in draining the energy from couples on a cruise ship.

That was not so. There was someone below deck and I went down to investigate. This blonde woman started to cling to my arm and was a huge annoyance. She reminded me of someone, but I could not figure out who she reminded me of…. Some other blonde haired annoyance that I know… Anyway, she would not let go of my arm and Thetis finally appeared and I was able to extract myself from the pest. We needed to steal energy and we were plotting while they were all eating. We had all six hundred of them gathered and Thetis was going to do her job. I was doing mine by sitting back and enjoying the show.

I had walked to the bathroom for a moment and when I came back, Thetis was destroyed by the Sailor Senshi. I am not sure how they were even on this ship since it was only open to couples. The only one out of them that has a chance of getting a boyfriend because of her looks is Sailor Mars. I did not have time to ponder this as I knew I had to destroy them. As I threw off my disguise, I went to blast them all away, but Queen Beryl pulled me back to the Dark Kingdom. I was furious. I almost had the Sailor Senshi!

Queen Beryl spent her time screaming at me on how I used Thetis and how she died. If Thetis was so important to Queen Beryl, then why wasn't she as high ranked as me? I tried to explain that it was Thetis who came to me, but Queen Beryl did not want to hear my explanation. Next time, I will succeed, but right now, there is a new episode of Desperate Housewives on and I know it will cheer me up as I watch it in my sweat suit with a gallon of ice cream. After that, I'll turn on Lifetime. Those shows always make me feel better.

Farewells

Day Thirteen of the Plan to World Domination

Dear Diary,

Today has been simply fabulous! The horrid zit that had been causing me grief for many days finally cleared up and I finally was able to put my new plan to kill those pesky Sailor Senshi and Sailor Mars in action. First and foremost, the first step to putting my plan in action was to give the citizens of the world above a scare by projecting a huge illusion of my glorious self over the world and threaten to burn the horrid place to the ground. Of course, something good does come out of my terrifying threat of impending doom – the citizens (and maybe even the beautiful shrine maiden and testy Sailor Mars) were able to behold my good looks. That is why I had to wait until my blemish cleared up, you see. I do like to be intimidating though, and I also enjoyed the fiery threat that I delivered. I should do that more often.

The disheartening part about my killing the Sailor Senshi would be the loss of the leggy Sailor Mars. I wanted to beg her pardon to Queen Beryl and perhaps have her come live in my cave with me here in the Dark Kingdom, but Queen Beryl has been in such a bad mood lately that I may just wait a few more days. I briefly mentioned it to the other Generals, but Zoicite and Kunzite told me that I was being foolish and Nephrite snubbed me again in order to go brush his hair. I do not think he likes me very much – Guitar Hero has also been stolen from my collection, and I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be the cause. I've noticed that my DVD collection is out of the alphabetical order that I had them displayed in. Zoicite was hanging around yesterday and was laying claim to my stuff until I kicked him out. Besides, he's gotten enough from me – I have yet to see him wear that sweat suit I bought for him.

I am so excited though! Finally I have found a use for the amazing airport that I had discovered on my first day on the surface! I have waited for this moment since my birth, my dream of piloting a plane will finally come to fruition! I told Queen Beryl about this amazing plan and she didn't express displeasure, but she did not look overly pleased either. I will have to buy her some chocolate after I kill Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury. Sailor Mars will, of course, be my prisoner (of love) and the chocolate will most likely endear Queen Beryl to my idea. Sailor Mars will get over the fact that I killed her friends; my good looks will definitely cause her to fall for me.

Now, off to perform my evil plan and to stop by the chocolate store.

Farewells

Dear Diary,

I, Jadeite, knew it from the very moment that she looked into my eyes. That our fiery passion was not to be, that is. While I was waiting for the ugly Sailor Senshi and infuriating, yet stunning, Sailor Mars to appear, I had much work to do. I rendered the security staff at the airport unconscious (none of them looked as good as me when I wore a uniform back in the day) and sat in the cockpit of an airplane to ponder. While I was pondering and pouting, I remembered the good old days from when I was allowed to stay in the cave and let my minions do my work for me. It seemed like just yesterday that I had subordinates who would listen to my every whim. I could even see their glorious faces in my mind while I lamented the loss of my companions.

Then Zoicite broke me out of my reverie by sending me some spam text message on my cell phone. It was one of those unbeautiful chain letters that demanded you forward or die before midnight. I do not believe in such nonsense – so I deleted it and sent Zoicite a sad face with a tear. He laughed at me.

Back to my original message, while I lay in wait for the ugly Sailor Senshi and Sailor Mars, I noticed two young brats and the priestess from the shrine enter the airport. As I was about to kidnap her for my own purposes, the children all transformed and my priestess became Sailor Mars! Who would have ever imagined that they were one and the same? Not I, Jadeite, and I did not know how to respond. However, just as I was to make an offer of allowing her to become my woman, I saw the most heartbreaking glare from her and I knew that she hated me with all her soul. I almost cried and my heart was broken.

So I decided to kill her and the others.

Using my amazing powers, I controlled the airplanes and attempted to flatten those infuriating women. However, once again my plan was interrupted by that terrible Tuxedo Kamen! He threw a rose at me and we squared away in an epic battle of monstrous proportions. As we flew in the air and the sky spun around us, I knocked him into the ocean where a single rose drifted to the surface. It was an easy victory, as expected. In any case, I taunted the women – who appeared to be greatly distressed by the loss of Tuxedo Kamen – and they revolved against me in a very unladylike fashion. I attempted to hit them with a plane again, but they fooled me and I just summoned away from the battle scene just as I was about to be run over by my own trap! What luck! I no longer like airplanes.

Queen Beryl appears to be very angry with me, so I have stopped in my room to grab the chocolate that I purchased for her and a dozen roses in order to cheer her up. It is now time to make my report, I shall return when this unpleasant business is dealt with. Tonight Kunzite, Zoicite, Nephrite and I have plans to marathon Sex and the City and I'm very excited. I've just laid my sweat suit out on my bed in preparation and there is a cake in the oven.

Farewells