Please don't flame me for my choice of words for homosexuals! I have a gay friend who I would rather die for than see upset! It has a moral though! Please keep reading! I hope it inspires you, I know I felt elated when I finished writing it.
What's happening to me? Am I really turning into a genuine cocksucker? Am I?!
"Hey! Hey, you guys! Can anyone define the word 'Bum Bandit' for me?"
Is what I would love to shout right now.
Shouting things like that in a place like this would probably get me stabbed. And since everyone is wielding a 5ft sword I think I'll keep this inner turmoil to myself.
Since I've been given the same privileges as a captain, for some reason I also have to have the shit bored out of me during these pointless meetings. Maaan! I just wanna go home back to Grimm!
I don't live in this world, I live in Karakura and yes, I'm still alive. I help my old man run the clinic along with my sisters, still.
Sooo... What's the meeting about this month?
Ohhh Captain Yamamoto! No one gives a shit about the amount of bog roll each squad is permitted with! It's only you that cares, what with your poor (non-existent) control over your own bowels! Christ, man! Shut up!
I begin to day dream. I have to bite on my fist to stop myself from laughing at what Grimmjow would say in this situation.
"Give your bum the Andrex treatment, old man!"
Ahh yess... Grimmjow. The reason I fear I may be becoming a bit of a gayboh. I really don't have anything against gays, I honestly don't! But it's a bit different to actually yourself to be one.
I guess it happened during the war, after my fight with Grimm. I just reached such a point of fatigue I got rock hard. He was there and well... It led to some fantastic rutting. Then I saw him again a while later and the itch to rut against him returned. That's all it was though. Rutting. Rubbing. Relief. Then one night he came to my house. He gave me a hand job. I was 16 years old and I was having my first ever hand job. Please try and understand! This was huge for me! I was an emotionally repressed teenager, I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me! So, even though he was a guy, I went along with it.
But it wasn't just that.
There was the war. Shit like that does stuff to people. It unhinges them. During the day I'd fight and kill people and at night they expected me to sleep? Ha. No way.
Too many nightmares.
But then Grimm would come along and we'd exhaust ourselves. Such beautiful dreamless sleeps, they were. Then in the morning he'd be gone and I'd feel so empty. So fucking alone!
So I asked him to stay.
He told me to fuck off. He was gone again in the morning.
For a while I thought he had gone for good and I nearly went mad, myself. But then he came back and when I woke up the following morning with soiled underwear and swollen lips, he was still there lying next to me, fast asleep.
I wasn't sure if this was normal or not, but at the time I didn't really care. And thanks to the war I didn't have time to think about it.
But then after the war. The fighting, the screaming, the routine... it was over. Now what?
Well... I still found myself hot for him and he stuck around. I've never had a girl friend, never needed one. I wonder if people have noticed. I shiver. Part of it is exciting. I feel so thrilled at the thought of holding his hand or sitting close to him in public. Where people can see us; where people can acknowledge us.
Then there was what happened last night. We were both naked on my bed (not unusual) but he was licking me everywhere! But what was scary... It was during the day, not at night like usual... I could see everything. His face, slightly pink, his brow creased in concentration as he gave me my second ever blowjob. I came unnaturally fast.
Up until Grimm, I've never even thought of a guy that way and at first it was just convenient for us both. But where can you draw the line? Kissing? Rutting? Handjob? Blowjob? Full on sex? At which point do I consider myself a fully fledged puff?
Ohh man I don't wanna be a homo!
I swear on my life I don't mind Gays, but it's different actually being one. The truth is I'm scared. It's so easy to joke about it and come up with funny names. But the reality is I am absolutely terrified I might be one too.
Everyone must fit into a certain group. It's quite dumb really. We all exist together. We live, we fight, we die. Together. Why do we need to be separated into different groups? Its how countries, religions, communities become divided.
Why can't we simply exist?
I want to have sex with who I want without wanting people's acceptance! I want to love-!
I want to love Grimm.
I want to love him without being worried that people might think less of me.
Is that it?
Is that all that's holding me back?
That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!
I stand up and the old man stops talking.
"Oldman, not that this isn't fascinating –Ohh and on a side note I'd recommend Andrex-"
The whole room is staring at me now. It is filled with people I care about, people I respect. But if I don't say this... How can I ever really be me? It sounds lame but it really is that simple. They will only be seeing what I want them to see. I'll never have true friends because they won't know the true me.
I breathe in heavily and hope no one can hear my voice quiver slightly. But... at the end of the day all I can do is put my faith in them, and trust that they will love me no matter what.
"I have something I would like to say to everyone... Something I want to share. It's about a person who makes me happy. It's about the person I love. It's about a man..."
I hate labels! I really mean it! One of my girl chums has 'lesbian tendencies' and it pisses me off so much, the things people say about her! She's such a lovely person!
Please review! Did I make you cry? I nearly cried at the end when I was writing it. Hahaha... I'm such a sap! :D