Layman here. this is just a little experiment based on Hot Fuzz. No, it isn't a word-for-word retelling, but the action and humor are going to be very similar (I hope, I hope...).
This is also an homage to Alex McMullen and his incredible cop stories. In fact, read them before you read this. Just don't completely forget this one, I'm not in this business for my health, you know...
Also, the only thing I own of Bleach are the First and Second Season DVD sets...
Summary; Police academy Kuchiki Rukia begins her first week on the Force. But will it just be some hum-drum, paper shuffling desk job, or more than she bargained for?
Rookie Police Officer Kuchiki Rukia stood outside the front doors of the Karakura Police Department (KPD). She was fresh out of the Academy, and was eager to start cleaning up the streets of the city. She fidgeted with excitement while she waited.
I wonder what my first assignment will be? she wondered. Maybe it'll be a sting operation, maybe for some drug ring or something. Oh, and a high speed car chase, there has to be one of those involved-
"Cadet Kuchiki, ten hut!" Rukia snapped to attention, shaking herself out of her daydream she slipped into.
In front of her was a tall, (she'd always been described as shorter than average), red-headed man with elaborate tattoos where his eyebrows should have been.
"Cadet Kuchiki, would you mind telling me why you're just standing there, drooling like an idiot?"
"Um...," Rukia said, slightly intimidated by the man's street tough exterior.
"'Um', that's all you have to say to your superior officer?" The man flashed his badge. Abarai Renji, Sergeant rank.
"Gomenasai, Abarai fuku-taichou," she apologized, "I was told to wait here until someone let me in. I...I guess I must have been waiting loner than I thought." She cringed, waiting for another reprimand.
It didn't come. Or at least, not as harshly as she was anticipating.
"You really are an idiot, aren't you?" Renji said, as if only realizing it for the first time. "There's an intercom right over there," he pointed to a small, brown/grey box next to the doors.
"Oh," Rukia said, feeling very stupid indeed.
"That's your first lesson, 'take more initiative'." He turned around and walking towards the doors, "Now follow me, I'll give you the grand tour before you start officially."
Rukia followed, though somewhat perplexed at radical attitude changes the senior officer was exhibiting.
She was beginning to wonder what she had gotten herself into...
Apparently, not much. At least, not according to the scene she saw in front of her. Messy desks, lounging officers, and general disorder comprised most of the nicer bits of the office. (We won't talk about the worse bits, but let it be know that one corner of the room had developed it's own micro-climate.)
"Everyone," Renji called, shoving Rukia out in front of him, "this here is Kuchiki Rukia, assigned to us straight out of the Academy." There were various grunts and raised hands popping up around the room, presumably from the other cops.
"Are they always this lively?" Rukia asked sarcastically.
"Actually, they're not even this wild most of the time."
"Oy, Renji," a hand waved from behind on of the cubicle walls, "don't leave me hanging over here, bring over the new blood!"
Rukia didn't particularly like the sound of "new blood".
"Hold your horses, I'll be right over!" Renji called back. He turned to the diminutive new recruit, "Might as well introduce you to the crew."
Rukia followed him tentatively, unsure of who, or what, exactly would meet her.
The first stop they made was at the desk of Arisawa Tatsuki.
"Kuchiki, this is Arisawa Tatsuki," Renji explained. "She's our leading lady around here and one of the band hand-to-hand combatants we have. She-Hey! Arisawa!"
Tatsuki looked up from the newspaper she was reading and popped the bubble gum she was blowing. Then she went back to her newspaper without a word.
"Did I do something wrong?" whispered Rukia.
"Nah, she's been like this ever since she got off probation two weeks ago." Rukia looked confused.
"What got her probation in the first place?"
Inoue Orihime; *is piss-blind drunk* "Wow, I am so plastered; I think I'll take a shortcut home through this dark, sketchy looking alley. I'm sure it's perfectly safe. *hic*"
*Orihime walks down the alley until she meets a shady looking woman blocking her path.*
Chizuru; *dripping with innuendo* "Hey there cutie, want to have a good time?"
Orihime; "But I *hic* don't even know you. *hic*"
Chizuru; *cuddles Orihime* "Mm, that's alright, you'll know me reeeaaally well after tonight."
Arisawa Tatsuki; *out of nowhere* "Arisawa Special Attack; Dragon Super Kick!" *sends Chizuru flying* "I thought you knew better than to try anything on my watch, you damn lesbian hooker!"
Chizuru; *head swirling* "Oro...thank you for your patronage please come again!"
*Tatsuki proceeds to beat the crap out of Chizuru.*
"We like don't talk about it much," Renji said, looking extremely uncomfortable.
Rukia said nothing as they moved on.
"These two bakka here are Madarame Ikkaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika, our resident detectives. Guys, this is Rukia, the new girl."
The two cops looked at Rukia, then back at each other.
"She's even shorter than Kiyone," the bald one said, "isn't she?"
"It does appear so," his partner, a vain, prissy man with unusual taste in eye decorations, agreed. "She could almost be truly beautiful if it weren't for her height."
"What did you say?" Rukia growled, a vein popping on her forehead.
"Um," Renji blanched, "why don't we go see the Kotetsu sisters?" As he gently lead Rukia away, he called out, "Oy! Arisawa! Therapy time!" When Renji looked back, he saw two police detective-shaped holes and an enraged demon running through them.
As they walked, Rukia asked, "You guys sure are informal here, aren't you, Fuku-taichou?"
"I guess we are," Renji remarked. Then he turn around abruptly, "And while we're on the subject, no more of this 'Fuku-taichou' crap. You call me Renji, or you call a taxi, and you especially don't call me 'Shirley', got it?"
Rukia nodded, too stunned by Renji's outburst to actually form words.
"Good. Now let's go, the armory is just down there."
When they got to the armory, Rukia was surprised to see two women sitting there watching a television. Actually, one was sitting and the other was leaning against a rack of weapons, twittering her fingers nervously.
"Oh, hey Renji," the shorter blond-haired one said. She gestured to Rukia, "is she the new recruit?"
"You bet she is!" He slapped Rukia roughly on the back, and she let out a small gasp. "Rukia, this is Kotetsu Kiyone. She's in charge of the weapons and has fired a gun more times than anyone else here."
"Nice to meet'cha!" Kiyone said, vigorously shaking the new policewoman's hand.
"Oh, the pleasure's all mine," Rukia said once her hand was free. She massaged it a bit to get some of the feeling back.
"And this is her sister," Renji gestured to the other woman, "Isane."
"Um...hi," the grey haired woman said, giving a timid wave.
"She may look shy, (because she is), but she's best surgeon, field medic, general practitioner, limb replacer, plastic surgeon, pediatrician, and flute player we've ever had."
"Wow," Rukia gaped, "you're all that? You must have seen a ton a action!"
"Actually," Isane stuttered, "the only medical practice I get is stitching up Yumichika and Ikkaku."
"She's just blushing because she doesn't think she's as good with the flute as everyone says she is," Kiyone explained.
Rukia sweatdropped again.
"Speaking of which," Renji said, slapping his head, "those two bakka might be needing your help soon. I just gave Arisawa some 'therapy time'."
"Hai." Suddenly, Isane's countenance did a complete one-eighty; she scooped up a box with a red cross on it and rushed out of the room, going to treat the inevitable injuries the two detectives would be sustaining.
Curiouser and curiouser...Rukia thought, feeling like she'd just fallen into her own personal 'Wonderland'.
As they made their was back to the, *ahem*, "offices", they were nearly attacked by a ginger-haired woman with a chest that would make Dolly Parton jealous.
"Abarai-kun," the voluptuous woman whined, "why did you forget about me?"
"I didn't forget about you, Matsumoto," Renji said, albeit slightly muffled. "Now would you kindly stop pressing my face into your boobs?"
"Oh, sorry." Matsumoto released her superior, then turned to Rukia. "Hi there, name's Matsumoto Rangiku. Who're you?" she asked bluntly.
"Uh, Kuchiki Rukia," Rukia said uncertainly, not quite sure what to make of the older (or so she guessed) woman staring down at her. "Pleasure to meet you?"
"Likewise," she turned to Renji, who was still trying to recover from the near suffocation he suffered. "Hey, Abarai-kun, where's her desk?"
"Hell if I know, I don't think she's even been assigned a piece yet."
"A 'piece'," Rukia asked quizzically.
"That's slang for gun," Renji explained.
"Ah," Rukia nodded.
"Well, when she does get a desk, tell me about it; I want to send her a welcome present." Matsumoto looked giddy with excitement, "We haven't had a new member ever since that accident with the last one!"
"Rangiku," Renji growled under his breath.
"What accident?" Rukia asked innocently. Renji messaged his temples.
"One of our officers had a freak run-in with a mob of rabid fangirls..."
Yamada Hanatarou; "Ahhh, what a lovely day! I think I'll go for a walk."
Tatsuki; "You sure? The horoscope for today said that someone will get attacked by a hive entity."
Hanatarou; "Oh, I don't listen to horoscopes, Arisawa; they almost never come true anyways."
*Hanatarou walks out the door and strolls happily down the street. A few minutes later a pale-skinned, sparkly, gay man runs by him, followed by a horde of fangirls that share one brain between them. Hanatarou is subsequently trampled for two minutes straight.*
Hanatarou; *weakly* "Ow..."
"He was in traction for months..." Renji shook his head sadly. "...And ever since he's been deathly afraid of fortune cookies."
Rukia sweatdropped yet again.
"Sooo..." she said, "is that everyone?" Renji perked up almost immediately.
"Well, there's our chief, Ukitake Jushirou, but he's practically on eternal sick leave his health is so bad. And there's Kurosaki Ichigo."
"Wait, Kurosaki? He isn't by any chance related to Karin and Yuzu, is he?"
"The mystery solving twins? Yeah, he's their brother."
"Do you think he can get their autograph for me?" Rukia asked, her eyes sparkling brighter than diamonds.
"You see, Ichigo-"
"We call him Strawberry," Matsumoto interrupted.
"-Anyways, he always used to get hounded by people wanting his sisters' autographs."
"So that's why he left," Rukia ventured, "to stop handing out autographs?"
"No, he left because of an accident that happen at one of our monthly boozing parties-"
"You guys have boozing parties once a month?" Rukia wondered.
"Do you want to know the story or not!" Renji shouted.
Rukia politely let him finish.
"I shot him in the arm," Matsumoto interrupted again.
"DO YOU MIND!" Renji exploded. "God, I can never finish one story without SOMEONE interrupting me!" he shouted, waving his hands up and storming out of the room.
Somewhere in the office a cricket chirped.
No, seriously, there actually was a cricket in the office. It was Yumichika's, but it somehow kept getting moved around so much that it was never on Yumichika's desk for more than a few minutes at a time.
But I digress, for not seconds after Renji's outburst a call came in. Matsumoto answered the phone.
"Mm-hm," she said. "Mm-hm, yeah, mm-hm, mm-hm, really , yeah, mm-hm, hang on," she put her hand over the receiver and called, "Oy, Renji, we got a case!"
"Well then what are we waiting around here for?" he said, suddenly reappearing. He grabbed Rukia's arm and began dragging her out the door. "Come on, Rookie," he said as he dragged her past Isane administering aid to a nearly unconscious Ikkaku and Yumichika, "time to get your first taste of action!"
Oh, I can hardly wait, she thought wryly as she was dragged out the door and into her new life at Karakura PD.
Well, how do you like it so far? Did I make the characters believable (or at least funny)? What scenarios would you like to see the KPD in?
Actually, that's a pretty good question, what would you people like to see happen? Just spit out any felony or petty crime (don't worry, I'll make sure to blow them all out of proportion) in a review or a PM.
There are seven slots to fill, (I have two chapters planned already), so send in those suggestions fast! Nothing R-rated though...(and no slash pairings, I don't do those.)