Returning from The Wrong Direction

Father, I've found Kamina.

Finally. Give me the coordinates. I'm sending one of mine to retrieve him.

Yes, Father.

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"You're lucky that you're not an official pilot, Kamina. Your reckless charge could've gotten you and Rei killed," Gendo glared at Kamina, who stared resolutely back. "As it is, I'm going to have to place you in solitary confinement. Yui is taking care of Rei's punishment."

"That won't be necessary, Commander Ikari," came a voice from, out of nowhere. Kamina looked around. That voice sounded... Familiar? Finally, a figure shimmered into view next to Gendo's desk.

Gendo merely turned to look at the man. "And why is that?"

"Because I'm here to take him home."

Kamina then placed the voice. "Simon!" he cried. "How'd you get here?"

"Sorry, Kamina. I'm not Simon," the man grinned a crazy smile. "I could have been, though. To differentiate between us, you can call me Captain GARlock. I'm what Simon would have been if you hadn't died in the Battle of Dai-Gunzan."

Gendo's eyes widened, as did Rei's and Yui's as they entered the office. Rei's smile froze, before she suddenly transported beside Kamina.

"You're dead?!" she asked, her voice either amazed or horrified.

Kamina scratched the back of his head, "Did I forget to mention that?"

Captain GARlock smiled wider, "Don't worry, Kamina. I'll take give you some time before I take you back to the Plane of Infinite Badass. Have some fun before you go."

Rei had a sudden look of determination on her face, "You're coming with me." She grabbed Kamina's arm and dragged off the larger man.

Yui and Gendo turned towards Captain GARlock. "So... Who are you?"

-----

Kamina followed Rei to... wherever it was she was taking him. She had been pushing buttons on some device as she walked, until finally nodding and putting it away. They stopped for a moment as Rei opened a set of very large doors with a key card.

Kamina whistled as he looked up. "Those are some huge doors!"

"They're called the Gates of Heaven. My mom lives in here."

"I thought Yui was your mom."

"She's the one who raised me, but this is my real mom! Her name's Lilith!" Kamina's eyes widened as he beheld the crucified form of Lilith. Surrounding the pool of LCL beneath her, were six other Rei's.

"And them?" Kamina pointed at the Ree.

"Those are my sisters! There's Kiko and Iti and Siyon and Nana and Hatchi and Zyuu!"

"So, why'd you bring me here?"

"Well," said Rei, as she stepped forward, "we wanted to play a game."

"A game? I don't have time for games... Well, I guess GARlock did give me some time... Okay, what kind of game?"

The Ree and Rei smiled, and Lilith seemed to without actually being able to emote through her mask, then they all shouted as one, before tackling Kamina.

"NOOKIE!"

(later)

"Ready to go back?" Captain GARlock asked Kamina, who had a stupefied grin on his face.

Kamina just nodded before they both vanished, leaving behind only memories, the only real evidence of his visit being Rei's new cape and sunglasses.

Well, as far as we know...

(Epilogue)

"Welcome back, Kamina!" boomed the giant Jack Rakan. He was equal in height to Kamina, but twice as wide and muscled.

"Good to be back, Jack!" He sat down with the other badasses at the poker table. Later, they would all wonder why Kamina would break out in a huge grin whenever he saw vegetables.

But he would never tell.