HOW TO WIN BACK OUTTAKES
A/N Well here it is...the promised BPOV outtake. I've tried not to answer every question you may have about Bella because I think a little mystery and trying to figure her out through Edward's perspective is fun. But I hopefully satisfy your curiosity about some things as well. Enjoy and please, please leave a review if you are so inclined. They are so much fun to read. Sis was a big help on this one. Thanks sis. Remember, it all belongs to SM.
"Okay Alice, I promise I will be there at 7:00 p.m."
I hang up the phone just as Julian walks into the living room. We had come back to the apartment after he was discharged from the hospital in the early hours of the morning. Julian has slept most of the day. I have spent the day trying to read the first chapters of my textbooks for the classes I will be starting on Monday.
"Sleep well?" I ask.
"Hmmm," he answers as he leans down over the back of the couch on which I am sitting and kisses the top of my head.
"You sure you feel okay to go in to work tonight?" I ask, still worried despite Carlisle's and Alice's assurances that he was not harmed.
"Yeah, " he says as he moves to sit at the desk, pulling up his emails. "I still can't believe your old boyfriend's adopted father knocked me out last night," he says chuckling.
"I'm glad you were so understanding."
"I can't blame him. You are too good of an actress baby," he tells me and winks. He is in quite a playful mood for a man who was knocked unconscious and spent over four hours in the ER last night.
"What did he want to discuss with you?"
"What?" I ask confused by Julian's question.
"Carlisle Cullen- he said he had come looking for you to discuss something. What was it?"
"Oh." Damn. I had not thought of that part of the story. Carlisle had explained to Julian that he was Edward's adoptive father and that when he found out I was in Seattle, he wanted to talk to me.
"He wanted to let me know his family was visiting Seattle and wanted me to spend some time with them. You know, catch up. We haven't seen each other since I was in high school." I keep my face directed to the book on my lap, hoping he will believe me.
I use to be a horrible liar. Out of necessity, I have learned to be a better liar. Actually, I have learned to hide my emotions, push them way down deep and I never let people know what I am really feeling.
"In fact, I'm going over to see the Cullens tonight, " I tell him with as much nonchalance as possible. "Okay," he responds, interested in whatever he is looking at on the computer.
"Bella, did you consider that contract," he asks me after a time coming over to the couch with a copy of the BDSM contract he had just printed. I look over at him and he is smiling. "Might be fun."
I sigh. I can't blame Julian. It is my fault really. I put pressure on him to keep things in the bedroom exciting and edgy. I need excitement to keep me from thinking about what I really want more than anything. What I don't tell him is that sometimes when things are really intense, I hear Edward. I would be mortified if he knew that I close my eyes during sex and picture Edward and listen to his voice in my head.
But this dominant submissive contract thing is just a little too much for me.
"Julian, I have told you I am not comfortable with being a full time submissive."
He shrugs and moves back to the computer. I can't concentrate on my reading. I get up and move to our bedroom to pick out something to wear. I decide on casual and move to my dresser drawer to pick out a pair of jeans that makes my ass look good. I am not ashamed to show it off. I work hard enough for it. Damn vampires. They don't have to do squats and push ups to keep a toned body.
As I remove the jeans, I see my journal which I hide at the bottom of the drawer. I take it out and flip through it, noting some of the random entries:
It's been seven months. I am getting better at keeping the mask in place. Jake has been a good friend, a good distraction. He wonders why I'm not angry at him for leaving. It is not his fault. How long could he have been satisfied taking care of fragile Bella Swan who trips over her own feet and can't avoid something as simple as a paper cut? It was inevitable.
I graduated from high school today. A part of me had hoped he would be there. I still dream about him. Sometimes I dream that he has come back for me.
I have decided to go to college at FSU. It will make Charlie and Rene happy. It is a chance to reinvent Bella Swan. It occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I might see Edward one day. Maybe by accident. Maybe we will be in the same city and he will smell my scent. If that happens, I want to be ready. I will show him that I have changed. That I am strong and that I won't hold him back if he gives me another chance.
I recently started my second semester. Florida is so different than Forks. It is January and I wore shorts and a T-shirt today. The perpetual sunshine here makes me wonder if I imagined Edward and the supernatural world he introduced me to. It sometimes seems like a dream.
I went on my first date tonight since Edward. Adam is a nice guy. We are in the same poetry class. He is taking summer classes too as he wants to graduate a year early like me. We talked about poetry and our families. He was nice. He didn't open my car door but he did open the door as we went into the restaurant and the door to the movie theater. He put his arm around me as he walked me to my door. There was no spark. He kissed me on my cheek. I will not go out with him again.
I will soon start my last year at FSU. I have done it. I have transformed myself. I have forced myself to try new things. I am not going to be mousy Bella who does nothing but read the classics. And I am thankful I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried new things. A summer constitutional legal issues class has changed my life. I enjoyed so much, the debating over basic constitutional principles of law. I think I am going to law school. Edward would be proud of me if I was a lawyer, I think.
I am getting ready to go see Charlie for Christmas again. My plane leaves tomorrow. I also plan to use this trip as an opportunity to visit Seattle University's College of Law. I never thought I would say it but after 3 years of copious amounts of sunshine, I am looking forward to returning to the Pacific North. I also have another date tonight. Sometimes I don't know why I keep trying. They are all the same. Nice, boring boys with warm lips.
I still have the same fantasy. Edward sees me by accident and is so impressed with the woman I have become, he falls in love with me again. I am 21 years old and obsessed with someone who does not want me. Will I ever be able to move on?
Yesterday I met Julian Yates. Something is just different about him. I feel some sort of...excitement when he looks at me. He has very intense blue eyes, that shine bright with kindness and passion. After caring for me and insisting on driving me back to Forks on Christmas Eve, he stayed the night. He slept in my old bedroom while I slept on the couch. I knew then he must really like me if he was willing to suffer through that.
He kissed me when he left tonight. It was gentle but when he pulled away I saw something in Julian's eyes that made my heart speed up. He looked at me like he wanted to devour me. As perverse as it sounds, it made me think of that first day in Biology with Edward when he had looked at me that same way.
Julian took me to the Space Needle today where we explored and had an amazing lunch with a breath-taking view. Julian is well read and smart and he is so much fun to talk to. He is really interested in what I have to say. It wasn't just an exchange of polite small talk. His beautiful eyes pierced me when I spoke and I knew he listened to every word. No one has listened so intently since Edward.
I finally made it to second base last night. We were on Julian's couch, ignoring the movie we were suppose to be watching and making out heavier than I have ever done in my life. And I felt something tonight. Something that, at least for a brief time, made me forget my broken heart. Julian had unbuttoned my blouse and his right hand was massaging my breast. He used his left hand to hold my head while he kissed me so deeply it was as if I was being consumed. Then his lips moved down to my neck and as he moved to my shoulder, he bit me. A rush of emotions rushed through me when he bit me. It was so primal, so animalistic. I want more. It is just so....forbidden. I think I am hooked. I even have hope I won't die a virgin spinster.
Julian is taking off the next two days and spending the time with me here in Forks. Charlie doesn't even mind. He is just so thrilled to see me show interest in someone after all this time.
Julian told me he really likes Charlie. He told me his father left his mother for another woman when he was young and moved to Connecticut while he and his mother remained in Seattle. His mother soon remarried and Julian was ultimately raised by an Aunt as his mother was busy with her new husband. He rarely sees his parents and considers himself an orphan. He looked so sad when he told me this. He told me Charlie is just like the father he always fantasized about having.
I lost my virginity last night on a private beach in Key West. Julian rented us a beautiful home on the island, with its own private beach. He makes me feel wanted and desired. But a part of me mourned that my first time was not with him. But he never wanted me that way. Julian does.
Julian said I mumbled the name Edward in my sleep. I can't believe I am still doing that after all this time. I told Julian I do not know any Edward. He knows I am lying but he thinks Edward is one of my professors from school that I must have a crush on. If he only knew.
It finally happened. I have daydreamed and fantasized about this moment so many times but I was completely unprepared. There I was sitting in an airport in Atlanta, GA when I look up and see Edward. He approached me, like he always did in my fantasies, and he smiled at me. I mean a beautiful, genuine smile. He was happy to see me. For a moment, I thought I was hallucinating, that my daydreams had become quite vivid.
But once he came close, I could smell that heavenly scent that is Edward and I knew he was there, in the flesh. We talked the entire time in the terminal and on the plane ride to Seattle. He smiled at me so many times. I think he liked what he learned about me. When I told him about my law school plans, I am pretty sure I saw pride in his eyes, just like all those times I had imagined.
He was only traveling through Seattle. I think he is alone. He didn't mention a girlfriend. He knows how to reach me if he wants to. Please, please let him call before he leaves.
He didn't call. I am sure he has left town by now and probably has not given me another thought. I can't turn into a zombie again. I have worked too hard to find a semblance of a life. I can't give that up. Julian knows something is bothering me. My mask is slipping. But he knows how to take my minds off things. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be enjoying kinky sex games with my live in boyfriend who is a doctor, I would have laughed at them. Thank god Julian knows how to make me forget everything, if only for a few hours at a time. Thank god I have distractions too.
I close my diary and put it back in its hiding place. Reading the snippets of my life without Edward is sobering. I think I have a chance to change everything, to make my fantasy come true. I think Edward likes me, really likes me. He showed a lot of interest at the airport and on the plane. I don't think I imagined his look of jealousy at Sea Tac when Julian arrived. And then he came to me last night because he thought I was being attacked. He left whatever distraction he had and came for me. I was mortified that Edward found me in such a position with Julian. But Edward was so fierce and protective last night. A little part of me hoped he would see me as something desirable. My body filled out since my high school days. Exercise and a little growth spurt accounted for that. But even with me there before him naked, I don't think he ever once even looked at me.
I slam the door as I enter the apartment. Tonight was a disaster. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be with me. He just wanted to talk to me about Julian. The nerve! He can be with women all over the globe for four years and yet he passes judgment upon me because of Julian. Edward and his stupid, old fashion, i, hypocritical ideas.
I feel like such a fool. I had really believed he was going to ask me to come back to him at that stupid dinner. I'm so grateful I didn't make a complete ass out of myself and confess my feelings as I was tempted to do.