A/N: Ok, so I was just going to write this piece based on Brennan's POV of the 100th episode. Then I recieved so many PMs asking me for my take on Booth's that I actually had a dream about it last night lol. So, here it is, hope you likey-like.
Disclaimer: The characters described within are the property of their copyright holders and not myself. I do not own anything to do with the show Bones, and no infringement is intended. No money is being made on my behalf.
What have I done. I've totally screwed whatever we had up, that's what I've done. Good job Seeley, way to go.
For so long she's been locked up in that jail cell of her own making. Her defense mechanism, her shell, her armor. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that I've handed her a couple of those bars that she used to build the walls, but I thought that I had helped her make so much progress in coming out and opening up. I remember her from the early days, I see how much she's changed since she's met me, and I know that many of those changes are probably a direct result of my influence.
I thought I was helping her come out of her cell. I had no idea that I was just building my own right next to hers so that I could be closer until it was too late and I let those stupid words out of my mouth. I remember telling Gordon Gordon that she wasn't in love with me, because I would have known. I was stupid, because she was. I saw it tonight, saw it in the tears in her eyes; heard it in the painic in her voice.
Even though I could see it, she still kept me at arm's length. Her refusal while I could still taste her on my lips nearly killed me. I can understand it though. She's had only herself to rely on for so long; she's been hurt by those who were supposd to love her so badly that I can't really blame her for her reaction.
I can understand it, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I literally feel like one of the bodies we bring to the lab that has been poked, prodded, and then de-fleshed by the squints. Right now, there is nothing left of me but my bones.
Huh, my Bones.
She says that she's doing this to protect me. If that isn't the biggest head-trip of my life I don't know what is. All this time I've spent trying to shield her from the bad and draw her out into the good, but she's the one who thinks that she's protecting me. I'm honestly too confused right now to know if I should call "bullshit" or accept her answer as something that she truely believes or not.
If she believes it, then god she must really love me. More than I ever could have dreamed. She recognized that I had trapped myself to her side in my own little jail cell and she gave me the keys to escape without any thought for her own release. I can't stay here in my cell next to hers for the rest of my life. I'm not a masochist, and she's not a sadist. If I stay stuck in love with her and she never comes around we will have wasted our lives together on a "what if?", and niether of us deserves that. I will need to move on, release her from the guilt and myself from the pain.
For right now, I'll just open the door to my cell. I wont leave her alone, I can't leave her alone no matter how much this hurts right now, but I won't stop myself from leaving if anyone reaches in through my door.
Am I getting too Freudian here? A caged woman, locks, doorways, sadism, masochism, bars, release, keys ... it probably says something about me that this is the imagery that I conjure up when I think about this situation. Too bad that I'm never going to be able to talk to Sweets about this crap.
Damn Sweets, he'll hear about all of this eventually, and what do you want to bet he's going to force us to relive this painful moment over and over again.
Some gambler I am. I should have sensed that she wasn't ready. I wonder if she ever will be.
I wonder if it will be too late by then.