Title: The Zit
Pairings: hint of NejiTen
Setting: random AU
Summary: Neji scowled at his zit. He was 16 already! Surely, just because he had a feminine voice, smooth skin, and beautiful silky hair, did NOT mean he hadn't gone through puberty yet! It didn't! (Did it?) Crack/torture fic.
It was a bloody horror; a terrifying sight to behold -
It was...a zit.
Friday morning at the Hyuuga manor started out normally, like any other day.
Hiashi got up to do his Sweatin' With the Oldies workout video; Hinata got up to sniffle over her weight and eat her feelings with Mallomars; and Neji got up to pretend he was getting ready for school, even though he was oiling his hot naked chest or picturing having sex with himself - um...he got up to get ready for school.
At the ungodly hour of 6 AM, Neji woke up. He took off the hairnet that kept his hair perfectly in place during sleep and went into his master bathroom, complete with monogrammed towels and a duck shaped soap dish named Pochi.
Neji examined his reflection, smoothing his eyebrows with a brow comb, puckering up a little -
But wait - what was...that thing on his face?
Let's be clear: Neji was not used to imperfection. Even the word gave him hives. In fact, his family bought Downy detergent instead of store brand because it made them have "skin rashes", played a 'what social class are they in?' guessing game with strangers, and often wondered 'how the ugly lived their lives'. So it was natural that Neji was raised to be a superficial snob.
So it wasn't his fault that the huge zit on his cheek would create a sort of catastrophe.
When Neji went down to breakfast that morning, he was totally, completely hideous. (*gasp!*)
Hanabi choked on her blueberry flapjacks. Hiashi froze mid-bite. Hinata found an excuse to shove more of her pancakes to the servant begging for food beneath the table (remember the Mallomar binge?)
After panicking, then crying, then wondering what to do about the thing on his cheek, Neji had no solution. He'd tried putting a band-aid on it but the kind Hanabi bought, which had curse words like 'fuck' printed all over them, made it even worse. (1)
Thus, Neji had intelligently settled for tightly mummifying the lower half of his face, save his mouth, with Ace bandages. His lips puckered out comically...and he was drooling.
"Neji - take off the bandages." Hiashi spoke calmly.
"New," Neji managed, as his lips were sticking out far too much to talk.
"I'll do it," Hanabi offered cheerfully, as humiliating Neji was always enjoyable. As Neji screamed (or attempted to) in protest, Hanabi, in the blink of an eye, ripped off the bandages and let them fall to the floor.
"-Sweet Jesus," Hinata finished, much to the shock of everyone at the table.
Hiashi sputtered, leaning in his chair towards the huge pimple on Neji's cheek. "My Lord, Neji! What is that thing on your face?"
Hanabi rolled her eyes. "It's a zit, that's what it is. Someone got whacked by the Pituitary Fairy."
But Hiashi was vexed. "But Hyuugas don't get blemishes! Neji, I really should disown you for this. But I suppose I won't, because you are my favorite...and you do chase away the garbage man from eating from our Dumpsters every Saturday."
Neji scowled. He was 16 already! Surely, just because he had a feminine voice, smooth skin, and beautiful silky hair, did NOT mean he hadn't gone through puberty yet! It didn't! (...Did it?)
When Neji walked through the halls of his high school, Konoha Academy, where nobody was required to do actual homework and coincidentally all his friends were in some romantic love quadrangle, he knew everyone was staring. He could tell! (Can you say 'melodramatic'?)
In English, Neji hid behind his binder. In Gym, he said he was wacked in the face with a football so he could hold ice over It.
But in Health - well, you'll see...
Ms. Mitarashi, the supposed former stripper and or Kill Bill stuntwoman, stood at the board. She pulled up a picture on the projector of a boy with hideous pustules on his face. She usually began class by randomly showing a picture of what the day's material would be. Don't ask how the 'reproductive system' lesson went.
"Children, today we will discuss Acne Vulgaris, a condition that some teenagers have, usually between the ages of 13 and 18."
Neji twitched. Miss Mitarashi was a nutcase who often claimed that the reason she taught was to "torture children" and often embarrassed all of her students. As she walked near his desk, panicking, Neji cupped his cheek with his hand, sure that it was foolproof -
"Ah-hah! I see that you, Neji, are using the 'cover my zit with my hand' trick?" Neji looked up in horror and Anko slapped his hand away and presented the class with a perfect view of his zitty cheek.
"Children, here is a perfect example of puberty. Your classmate here has a pimple on his face! Many of you will have pimples one day. And you will most likely be ostracized for them."
Naruto Uzumaki giggled, "Pizza Face Hyuuga!"
Sasuke Uchiha smirked as a beam of fluorescent light made his zit-free face sparkle. He was obviously rubbing it in (and a few girls who were too close nearly fainted from the magnified view of his flawlessness).
And TenTen, his crush - er, 'not-'crush, gaped in of the sight of such a hideous deformity.
Neji turned scarlet. He couldn't do this any longer! Even though, as almost everyone knows, a blemish fades with time. Like, two days' time...
"So. Neji Hyuuga. Do you find that your acne gets worse around the time of your period?"
Neji sputtered, turning pink. "I'm - I'm MALE!" he hissed, as if his gender was some shocking secret (which it sort of was, after those hermaphrodite rumors).
The doctor cleared his throat nervously. "Oh - it says Hyuuga, Neji...male. My mistake. It's just - the hair..." Was it mentioned that his graduate certificate looked kind of printed out?
It was Saturday and Hiashi had agreed to take Neji to a '25% off' dermatologist. They'd walked into the office, which was filled with stereotypical shots of women wearing g-string bikinis with impeccable complexions. Now, Neji sat in the examination room, silently fuming.
The dermatologist put on strange looking glasses. "What is it exactly that I am looking at?"
Hiashi, who had been silent up to this point, jumped up and exclaimed, "For God's sake, look at that thing on his cheek! It's practically alive!" After all, he was a total narcissist and declared that anyone with any flaw would have to be removed from the main family (...and now you know why a cadet branch still exists).
The Derm nodded wisely and took out an instrument which strangely resembled a barbeque skewer - and poked the zit with it. "Augh!" Neji cringed in pain.
"I haven't seen a case of cystic acne this bad since '92!" The Derm marveled. Even though one zit isn't 'cystic acne' at all. But never mind that.
The Derm rubbed his sexy cleft chin as his sexy blonde assistant hung on his arm rather distractingly. "Well, I think I know the perfect solution: I don't have one!" Hiashi and Neji gaped.
Grinning at himself in the reflective surface of the cabinet, the doctor turned away from his pretty face and shrugged. "I'm not 25% off for nothing."
Neji sighed. It was Sunday and the Zit was still alive. He'd even been desperate enough to agree to try Hinata's home beauty remedies - ground garlic paste and skim milk masks. Though these remedies don't really clear up acne, she'd always wanted someone to practice this stuff on, and Hinata didn't have to tell him that.
Neji was sitting on the curb outside. He had to get away from Hiashi's ranting about his pimple. Hanabi agreed to buy some regular bandaids instead of joke ones, but now they were the superhero kind.
All of the sudden, he was approached by his neighbor (and not-crush) TenTen, much to his horror. Despite knowing TenTen's (considerably smaller) house was only a few doors away, he'd needed to get out of the house despite the risk of being seen.
"Hey, Neji..." TenTen trailed off as she stared at his Batman bandaid.
Neji sputtered, clasping his face, "Er - Go, TenTen. FAR away."
TenTen said, "And why should I do that?" They were friends, after all - or rather, they were like, "borderline couple" friends. She sat down beside him. "I was just wondering, are you OK? After what happened, you know...Friday."
Neji cringed. "Yes, but - TenTen, why did you laugh at me so mockingly, with all the others?"
She blinked. "I was so not laughing at you! I was just...surprised. I mean, you of all people, breaking out - it's kinda weird."
"I know," Neji replied darkly. "My skin is flawless. Much better than that show-off Uchiha's."
TenTen actually laughed. Neji frowned...but then realized she wasn't being mean. Not exactly. She sighed. "You're such a drama queen. I mean, look at this - I have a pimple, right here."
Neji's eyes widened when TenTen took her shirt sleeve and wiped some concealer off her chin - and revealed a zit like his.
"See? Anybody can get one. Perfect people included," TenTen pointed out smartly. Neji relaxed for the first time in days. He felt somewhat better now. All right. Considerably better.
They sat in silence for a moment. Then TenTen said awkwardly: "Neji, not to be mean but why do you smell like garlic?"
(1) - Urban Outfitters sells bandaids online that have profanities like 'fuck' and 'shit' written all over them. No, I am NOT making that up. Fer real.
[End Note]: I can't believe I attempted this crack. It was on a whim. Reviews would be awesome, even though this is like, the bane of my (fanfiction) existence.]