When Canada returns home from a hockey game later that same day, he finds America lounging on his couch with an open bag of cheetoes on his chest and the television set open.

Through a mouth full of junk food, America manages, "You never have anything good on tv."

"Thanks," comments Canada dryly, who with a complacent shrug of one shoulder, plops next to his brother. "It was nice of you to call ahead, so I could actually prepare something for you."

"You're welcome." Canada rolls his eyes and America adjusts to set his head on his brother's lap, attention wholly captivated by the snoresville sitcom on the screen. "England kicked me out after I called him a home wrecker."

"Classy."

"And Russia's not letting me in the house."

"You're on a roll there."

"I can't believe he's not talking to me."

( Never mind the perpetually rocky state of their diplomatic relations, but that's completely besides the point. )

"I can't believe you think he's pregnant."

But then America elbows him hard in the stomach, so Canada starts to believe a little.

"What should I do?" whines America over Canada's wheezing. "What kind of DNA could my sperm possibly share? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Is there an extra chromosome pair for freedom?"

After the nation of the True North regains his bearings, he shoves America off his lap and onto the floor. Desolate, America merely slumps into the rug and becomes a two hundred something pound fixture next to Canada's finely polished coffee table. Covered in cheetoes.

"Maybe for you."

"You're such a dick."

"Sorry."

"Make me pancakes."

Canada does, and they're delicious.

Pancakes are great, but they yield absolutely no empirical evidence or explanation or a way back into Russia's house and most importantly, pants. America decides that he needs science. Hard, cold, beautiful science.

So of course, he turns to his good friend Japan.

"America-san," starts Japan, his tone very serious, "Where exactly did you stick it in?"

America makes a face.

"...right."

Eventually, America convinces Japan to build a robot with him.

Then preform tests on his jizz, because that shit still confuses him.

To: Russia
From: America
hey

To: America
From: Russia
Hello.

To: Russia
From: America
u mad?

To: America
From: Russia
I heard you masturbated at Japan's.

To: Russia
From:America
4 science!

To: Russia
From: America
i thought about u when i did it?

To America's complete surprise, Russia doesn't respond.