AN: This is for my friend Sophie, who wanted to know what me and ShadowHaloedAngel were going on about with final fantasy 7. This is based on our version of it, so it isn't entirely accurate.
Warnings: Bad language, gay lesbian and straight pairings, mentions of abuse and prostitution.
I don't even know why I'm doing this. Well, I do, but I think that it's a silly idea. I wouldn't tell Tifa that though, or she'll yell at me. She's scary when she yells. It was from a book she got about dealing with dementia, but I don't have dementia. I have more than one set of memories, and I don't think they write books about coping with that. It isn't schizophrenia though – Yuffie suggested that I take medication for that and I got angry. I'm not insane. I wake up screaming in the middle of the night because of what has happened to me, but I'm not insane.
Anyway, the idea is that I write out what I know about everyone. Me, not Zack. I have to try and separate my mind from that of my best friend... This is being written just for me. When it's finished I think I'll burn it. I don't want the others to know what it is that I think of them. I guess I'd better start with myself.
I'm Cloud Strife. I used to think that I was a first class SOLDIER, but it turns out I was nothing more than a ShinRa grunt, cannon fodder. ShinRa was the company I admired, the group that everyone admired. They ruled the world, and me, a little country boy, signed up to try and become a hero. Only it didn't work out. We got sent to my home village, Niebelhiem, me, my hero, my best friend and a few others, and my village was burnt down. I was captured, tortured. I only survived because of Zack. I became bitter against the company that betrayed me. I joined AVALANCE, a group of terrorists. I saved the world twice, and now I have a kind of family and a delivery service. I guess it's not bad for cannon fodder.
I guess the next person to mention would be Tifa. She's been my friend from childhood. My only friend. I was always bullied, and she was the local rich girl. Sometimes she talked to me, and I was grateful for that, it was all I knew. I promised to protect her. Then I left and found Zack, and learnt what real friendship was. I met Tifa again in the Niebelhiem fire, and then when I joined AVALANCHE. She helped me a lot. We'd both grown up a lot since we were children. I think seeing our homes burn to the ground helped with that.
Before I continue, I'd better speak about my hero. The one who destroyed my home and family. The one I've defeated twice, but that I can never truly kill, no matter what I do. Sephiroth. When I was a boy, I had pictures of him on my wall. He was my hero. He was so brave, so strong. Then he found out that he was created from a monster, monster's cells. Jenova. She was an alien from space, and that knowledge drove him insane.
After I thought I'd gotten rid of him the first time, three of his remnants returned. Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo. Loz was the oldest, dumb and clumsy but immensely strong, kind and tender in his own way. Out of all three of them, he was the one I liked the most, though we only met in battle. Yazoo was beautiful, a brilliant shot, and trained at seduction. I couldn't stand to look at him, he reminded me of the crush I had had on Sephiroth as a teenager. Then Kadaj. Kadaj was a little boy, looking for his mother, lost in a world that was too difficult for him. He was lost, but brilliant, a genius that put the minds of the rest of the world to shame. If it wasn't for the fact he was devoted to Jenova, he could have changed the world. As it was, he brought it close to destruction and in the end I had to destroy him. I still have nightmares about his death, but I pray that he has found peace in the lifestream.
There's one man I know found peace in the lifestream, someone who is so important to me that he is part of me. Zack. Zack Fair, SOLDIER first class and a hero. My first true friend, and someone that I loved. Really loved, in a way that most people couldn't understand. He helped me, kept me alive through torture that nearly destroyed me. He gave his life for me, told me to live on in his place. He carried me across half the world when I was too catatonic to even eat unaided. He never once complained. Always with a huge smile on his face, and his eyes bright with hope. His nickname was puppy, and if you spoke to him, you could see why. He was never was still. He was always bouncing, moving. Even in the mako tube where he was imprisoned, suffocated by the goo that kept him trapped, his fingers wriggled. He truly was just like a puppy.
I don't know that much about the man who gave Zack that nickname. I remember a lot about him, but they aren't my memories. They're Zack's. That man was Angeal, a hero, an honourable man. He was kind and tender, and in the end what had happened became too much for him. He too had Jenova cells, and they turned him into a monster. In the end, he'd made Zack kill him. It had broken Zack's heart.
Zack wasn't the only one that Angeal's death had broken. It broke Genesis as well. Genesis was another experiment, and a poetry obsessive. He always carried a volume of Loveless with him, quoting it at any opportunity. He, Angeal and Sephiroth were the SOLDIER Generals, the leaders of the most powerful military force the world had ever seen. He was also Angeal's best friend since childhood, and they were lovers. He couldn't face life without the one that kept him sane. He went mad, and he ended up a prisoner in ShinRa's laboratories.
Just thinking about this makes me feel sick. I'm going to leave this here for today, it's too much to deal with. I'll carry on with it soon, but for now I'm going to go out, and make my deliveries. I'm going to carry on with my life, and give my thoughts time to sort themselves out. I think Tifa was right. My memories are already clearer. I'm just not sure if I want them to be.