Title: Channel Surfing
Summary: After a long, hard day Tyki Mikk sits down to watch some television… But why is Lenalee staring in a soap opera and why is Kanda on 'What Not To Wear'?!
A/N: Today I get home from school, and I go to the bathroom. When I come back downstairs I see my beloved sister watching… 'What Not To Wear' while playing Pokémon Soul Silver. Naturally, I mocked her, but it also gave me the idea for this fanfic. When God closes a door he opens a window, I guess. Oh, and if anyone can guess who the father is (you'll know what I'm talking about) I'll write you a fanfic of your choice for any fandom that I'm capable. Hint: It's not anyone who was mentioned in this fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, because if I did Tim Gunn would design the exorcist uniforms (because right now, I'm 'a little concerned').
Beer in one hand, a wife beater on, Tyki Mikk decided to take a break from his normally busy schedule to spend some well-deserved time watching the television. Like a great conductor, he picked up the black remote and turned on the television.
"-three, four, five! Five pieces of Innocence! Hahahaha!" A vampire with a tuft of white hair on the top of his head laughed. "This has been Count Krory with-"
The idiot twins must have gotten high and were watching Sesame Street again. He switched the channel.
"Lavi! I have… something to tell you." Tears poured from Lenalee's eyes, as the eye patch wearing Casanova that was courting her sat down on the bed next to her. "Lavi… I'm pregnant."
He slumped, surprised by the news. "I've never even thought about being a… father."
There was a deep swell in the music as she turned her tear stained face back towards her lover. "Lavi… You're not the father." A sob escaped her throat.
Terror filled the red head's face. "What do you mean by that, Lenalee?" He grabbed her by the shoulders and got down on his knees in front of her. "What do you mean that I'm not the father?!"
She continued to sob. "The father is-"
Switch. That girly stuff wasn't Tyki's sort of thing; he wanted something that would stimulate the manliness that he had within himself. He didn't want to spend his time off being filled with estrogen.
"AAAAAAND Sokalo takes the ring." The crowd burst into cheers as the reigning champ stepped over the bars of the wrestling arena. "Weighing in at three hundred and fifty pounds is Winters Sokalo, a former prison inmate of Mexico, he is here to take reeeeeevenge on the world!"
The shirtless man screamed at the camera, getting right into the lens. "Aaaaaaand, his competitor for the evening, weighing in at two hundred thirty seven pounds is the challenger… Malcolm Leverrier!" Into the ring walked a prim older man who looked scarily like a certain very evil man from German history.
Click. Not exactly what he was looking for. Besides, he knew that that was all choreographed, anyway.
"Now, Yu, we know that you prefer to wear clothes that are comfortable to you to fight in, but that's no reason to deny yourself of looking fabulous!" A perky brunette said as she tossed the various clothes out of Yu's closet.
Picking up a piece of clothing, a very effeminate man shook his head. "Now Yu, what on Earth would you wear this to?" He threw the cloth over his shoulder. "It looks like we have a real challenge here today!" Together he and the woman squealed as they continued to throw clothes out of his closet.
There was a close-up of the victim of this fashion tragedy. "… Go die."
"Later on 'What Not To Wear'…"
Click. There didn't seem to be much on.
"-the political situation in the country worsens as the play is acted out." On the screen showed politician Cyril Kamelot drenched in the blood of the dying assistant who was in his arms. "The murderer says that he 'had no idea what was going on' and that 'he is not at fault' though there is evidence, on film, that it was him who pulled the trigger. War is sure to start-"
Too depressing. Click.
"-Timothy, are you alright?" Child star Road Kamelot said as she removed the blonde wig off of her head.
Her on-screen best pre-pubescent male friend's face grew red. "You can't be serious! You're not really Amanda Nevada!" A laugh track played as he comically passed out into the arms of the third member of their group, Chomesuke.
Road sighed. "That could have gone better."
Laughing, Chomesuke dropped the body of their friend. "It works for me; this is the first time that he's shut up all week!" The laugh track blared again as the two girls stared at their friend.
Kids crap. Click.
"Are you lonely?" A seductive feminine voice asked him from the screen. Tyki looked at the screen closely for the first time that day. "Does your work or personal life get in the way of having real, meaningful relationships?" Tyki turned his head from side-to-side, making sure that no one else was in the room. He put the remote down. "Well, we have a solution for that problem, ladies."
"Yes, ladies, we have your solution right here." On the screen was the most terrifying sight that Tyki had ever seen; if he had still been holding the remote, he would have dropped it. "This is one of our great escorts, Allen." The white haired boy was riding a horse… naked. Though his vital regions were covered by the saddle it still caused Tyki to vomit in the back of his throat. As the woman did a voice over, Allen rode the horse in front of a lame green screen background of a beach at sunset. "We'd be happy to send you Allen or any of our other lovely escorts," Across the screen flashed more naked men, from the waist up. "Marian, Komui, Bak, Daisya, Reever and so many others."
Overcoming his shock, Tyki grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. Muttering to himself, he walked out of the room. "I'm going to go read a book…"