Hey! So I haven't hardly any time to write ANYTHING with the woes of college, but I did manage to get this little crack piece out. I promise to update The OHC as soon as I can. I've already written a good deal of the next chapter. It's just taking a while to finish it with so many distractions! Hope for soon! Anyway, I just wrote this because I thought it would be wacky and interesting to take a few of the hosts' personality traits and twist them around. It did prove to be fairly entertaining to write. Hope you enjoy.


Haruhi yawned as she stepped into the third music room that Wednesday evening. Another day, another wild and, no doubt, irksome adventure at the Host Club.

"Hey Mori-senpai." She greeted her senior when she eyed him resting upon one of the many rosy colored sofas, not expecting as much as a warm grunt in return.

"Hey Haruhi!" he chirped excitedly, muscular arms sprawled out over the couch head where his powder blue uniform blazer rested. "Hear any good gossip lately?"

In an Exorcist move, she turned her neck slowly in his direction. "What?" she asked stupidly.

"I did." Mori leaned away from the sofa's back and lowered his tone to a whisper. "But you didn't hear it from me!"

"E-Eh..." Haruhi stammered, still too shocked to respond appropriately. "O-Okay..."

"I heard that Misani-san from your class was cheating on Yukito with the new guy in class D!"

"Mori-senpai-"

"I know!" he gushed. "Oh my Gooood, right?!"

"Why're you-"

"So I told-"

As the senior went on to elaborate on his day at the rumor mill, Hunny poked his tiny head out from behind the sofa.

"Hunny-senpai!" Haruhi lowered her bewildered gaze to the tiny third year. "What's wrong with Mori-senpai? Is he sleepy?"

"Hm?" Hunny frowned as he munched on a carrot. "Why would anything be wrong with him?" He pulled a gigantic stalk of celery from his school bag. "Don't be silly, Haru-chan!"

"Hunny-senpai?" Her eye twitched. "Is that... celery?"

"Of course it is!" He chomped down on the green, leafy vegetable. "Celery is good for you, Haru-chan!"

"I looooove celery!" Mori's deep yet hyperactive tone flowed seamlessly from discussing his Physic's teacher's hideous new hairstyle to veggies. "Celery is my FAVORITE!"

"Mine too, Takashi!"

Haruhi stared in awe as the taller senior leaned down with a napkin to remove a few green strings from the smaller boy's teeth.

"Heeeey Haruhi!" Two voices rang in unison from behind her and she spun around, expression dark and accusing.

"Alright, I know you two are behind this," she spoke plainly. "You can give up the charade now."

"What charade?" Hikaru raised an eyebrow seriously.

"Like we would ever play a joke on someone." Kaoru shrugged.

"Jokes are so preschool."

Haruhi nearly laughed. "But you two are always screwing around. You never stop!"

They exchanged glances before shifting their amber eyes back to her.

"That isn't very funny, Haruhi."

"We thought you were more mature than that," Hikaru shrugged. "Guess not."

"Why don't you grow up?" they asked in unison before walking off toward a bookshelf in the back of the room.

Haruhi swallowed hard. Was she going mad? Had the Host Club's antics finally drove her insane?

"What's the matter, Haruhi?"

She glanced up to see the Shadow King standing over her, ledger in hand, and cursed inwardly. The last thing she needed was a rise in her already towering debt.

"Nothing, Kyouya-senpai." She started toward a small pantry. "I'll start laying out the dishes for the guests-"

"There's no need to rush." Kyouya called after her. "What am I going to do? Charge you for standing around?"

She turned back to him warily. "... yes?"

"Hm?" he frowned, grey showing through his usually masked spectacles. "Why would I do something like that?"

"Because you're..." She searched for the right words. "... you."

Kyouya crossed his arms. "Well, that's not a very nice thing to say."

She bit at her lip. Here it came...

"But you're right."

"Hm?" Her eyes widened.

"I suppose I can be a bit on the grumpy side at times." He nodded. "And I didn't clean my spot thoroughly today after lunch, which I feel terrible about."

"Eh..."

"How about I lower your debt a few thousand yen, hm?" he beamed. She nearly let out a scream of terror in response. Kyouya Ootori was smiling and it actually seemed... sincere.

"Kyouya!"

They turned around just in time to see a flurry of blonde skid between them, its expression furious.

"What did I tell you about freeing my slaves?!"

Kyouya simply sighed. "I wasn't freeing her, Tamaki. I simply lowered-"

"You can't do that!" The blonde snapped before sinking into a whisper. "If you lower it too much, she actually might be able to pay it off in this lifetime!"

Haruhi grumbled. "I'm standing right behind-"

"QUIET, SLAVE!"

Another sigh. Kyouya adjusted his glasses. "Last time I checked, Tamaki, slavery was illegal in most countries."

"Well, last time I checked, Kyouya, nobody asked what you thought!"

"OOH, BURN!" Mori put in.

Kyouya simmered in silence.

"Senpai!" Haruhi scolded. "You can't talk to him like-"

"Excuse me?" The blonde turned to raise an amused eyebrow. "Are you serious? You're a commoner! You can't tell me what to do! You eat sardines for dinner!"

"No I don-"

"You make hand weaved baskets for a living and sell yourself on the streets!"

"Now you're just-"

"You should be grateful that I've taken you in when no one else would!"

"Aw, Haru-chaaan!" Hunny whined in sympathy before be began eating his way through a large stalk of corn.

"Now shut up and get me my water!"

"Senpai-!"

"GET ME MY WATER!"

"Here!" Hikaru offered a clear bottle with dark blue wrapping to the Host King.

"Will you shut up now?" Kaoru groaned.

"We were trying to get a little studying done before club hours begin."

"You were actually studying?" Haruhi raised a confused eyebrow.

"This..." Tamaki reached out to touch the bottle before yanking his slender fingers back as if they'd met with hot coals. "This is..." he shrieked. "AQUAFINA!"

"So?" Kaoru muttered.

"You said you wanted water-"

"This isn't water!" Tamaki stomped at the bottle relentlessly. "Do you expect me to put this in my beautiful body?! I'd gain like NINETY ONE BAZILLION POUNDS! I ONLY DRINK EVIAN! KYOUYAAAAAA!"

"I'm on it." Kyouya pulled out a sleek, black cell phone to order a new supply of Evian. "Do you want me to get a janitor in here too?" He eyed the mess the blonde had made pummeling the now beaten up, spilled Aquafina bottle.

"Don't be silly, Kyouya," Tamaki laughed and tossed a few wisps of blonde from his eyes. "That's what commoners are for."

"... I am not cleaning that up." Haruhi scowled.

"You will clean it up!"

"I'm not-"

"You will clean it up or I will sit on you!"

"..."

"Too late for that, Tono." Kaoru pointed toward the double doored entrance.

"The customers are here."

"Oh, my God..." Mori giggled. "What are they wearing?"

"That's the uniform." Haruhi stated blankly.

"Quick!" Tamaki launched his arms out. "Beautify me!"

Haruhi stared in awe as they all rushed to him with hair spray bottles, lent removers, and mascara. "Why are you indulging him?!"

"Throne! Throne!" Tamaki leapt about in panic, wrists limp. "I need a throne!"

"EEEEE!" The fangirls rushed in and he plopped down on Hunny's head, practiced smile in place.

"OOWWWWW!" Hunny bit down extra hard on a carrot.

"Mitsukuni!" Mori roared before turning on Tamaki with demon eyes. "Do you want your ass kicked?"

"I'll tell my father." Tamaki spoke through two rows of shiny, white teeth. "Do you want to graduate?"

"EEEEE, Tamaki-sama!" a dozen fangirls squealed. "You look so handsome!"

"So sincere!"

"He's sitting on Hunny-senpai!" Haruhi called out in hope for some common sense.

"Ohohohohoho!" Tamaki chuckled in what might have quite possibly been the most dishonest laughter she'd ever heard. "Don't pay any attention to Haruhi! He's just a silly commoner!"

"Ohohohoho!" The girls giggled back.

"Now sit down, my princesses, and you can all take turns at telling me how wonderful I am!"

A group of yellow skirts all gathered around him upon the rosy sofa where he had grapes fed to him one by one.

"I think you're wonderful because you're BEAUTIFUL, Tamaki-sama."

"I think you're wonderful because you're CHARMING, Tamaki-sama!"

"I think you're wonderful because you're SEXY, Tamaki-sama!"

"I think you're wonderful because..." A brunette second year in short pigtails paused. "Because er..."

"Yes?" Tamaki pushed with a smug grin. "Go on."

"I... er..." she stammered. "I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said..."

He blinked. "You... can't think of anything?"

"No..." She blushed.

Chuckling in disbelief, he sat up from his grape feeder's lap. "I'm the most beautiful creature in the universe, the envy of Adonis, I was molded by the hands of God himself and you can't think of anything?!"

"N-no," she stammered. "But..."

"Hikaru! Kaoru!" He snapped his fingers, eyes shadowed.

"W-Wait!" the girl cried as the twins took her by both arms and led her toward the exit. "Just give me a little longer! I'm sorry!"

"Well, sorry isn't good enough!" Tamaki cried, tears threatening to spill over. "I've never been so insulted in all my life!"

"I just need a few more minutes!"

"What you need is a dictionary!"

"B-"

"Kyouya, get this person a dictionary!"

Kyouya immediately appeared beside her with a thick, leather bound volume.

"Study that thoroughly and write a one hundred page essay about me and I might consider letting you WATCH during club hours!"

"Oookaaaay!" The girl sobbed.

"Typed! Single Spaced! One centimeter margins!" He shouted as she was escorted out of the room. "NO EXCEPTIONS!" The door slammed behind her.

"Senpai." Haruhi glared at him. "That was cruel."

"It's cruel that I was created so beautifully..."

"Kyouya-senpai!" Haruhi rushed to her other senior, red-faced. "Why is everyone acting so strange?!"

"I don't know what you mean, Haruhi." He frowned before turning back to a couple of third years, both with tidy kept dark hair and glasses. "As I was saying, ladies, I've devised a plan to have appointments be completely free of charge. There's no reason that any of you should have to pay for this."

Haruhi gasped.

"Oh, Kyouya-sama!" One of the girls sighed. "You're so kind!"

"We'll throw in free fruit baskets as well," he smiled. "And trips overseas. Abroad studies are encouraged, you know."

"And when will this... plan go into effect?" Haruhi asked, bewildered.

"As soon as I can convince Tamaki," he sighed as his pen scribbled along in the dark notebook. "He feels that his "beauty" is too great to be in anyone's presence for free."

"Ah..."

"He wanted to charge people just for staring at him,"Kyouya sighed. "But I convinced him otherwise." A grin crossed those thin lips. "We shouldn't charge people for such senseless things."

Haruhi just gulped as he went on to entertain his guests. Who were these people?

"Pleeeease!" She heard someone begging. "Please make out!"

"No!" Hikaru's voice.

"We're twins!" Kaoru made a gagging noise. "Are you sick?!"

Several girls let out sorrowful groans. "You could at least hold hands!"

"Why would we do that?" Hikaru frowned.

"Then we couldn't do our homework." They turned back to a group of papers with complicated symbols and numbers.

"Aren't you two supposed to be hosting?" Haruhi walked toward them, arms folded.

"We'll get to that in a second." Hikaru waved her off.

"Just let us finish this complicated Calculus problem."

"I thought you hated Calculus!" Haruhi's eyes darted rapidly between the two of them.

They both turned to look at her as if she'd said something incredibly stupid.

"Calculus is a beautiful idea exposing the rational workings of the world."

"Calculus is our life."

She blinked dumbly as they turned back to their work and their disheartened fangirls scattered to their second hosting choice.

"Haru-chan?" The smallest host popped up, broccoli stalk in hand. "You look tired."

"I'm just confused, Hunny-senpai," she sighed and fell against a wooden chair. "Everyone is acting so weird today."

"Weird?"

"And why are you eating vegetables?" she asked. "You only like cake."

"Ew!" Hunny made a face. "Do you know how fattening cake is, Haru-chan?"

"So like I was saying!" she heard Mori's upbeat tone from the table across from hers. "Red is sooooo last season and BLACK is the new yellow!"

A curly redhead tried to cut in. "What about-"

"So did you hear about Akira and her boyfriend?" His voice lowered. "They've been fighting."

"No!"

"Yeah!" He pointed to a reserved, dark haired girl in the far left corner. "That's why she's been so quiet lately. No one can bring her out of it."

"Hey," Haruhi started, hopefully. "Isn't that something that Tamaki-senpai would usually be interested in?"

Mori blinked in confusion. "Interested in... laughing at?"

"No!" Haruhi cried in exhaustion. "In helping out!" She rushed over to the girl. "Akira-san."

"Hm?" The girl looked up with sad eyes.

"Why don't you tell Tamaki-senpai about what's been going on with your boyfriend?" she asked a bit too desperately. "He'd probably be glad to help!"

"Glad to help with what?" Tamaki called from his place on the sofa. The girls had switched the grapes with strawberries now.

"Well..." The girl began. "Hoshiro and I have been arguing a lot."

"That's nice." Tamaki stared at his reflection through a particularly shiny strawberry.

"Senpai!"

"You will refer to me as 'master', slave!"

"You're supposed to be helping her!" Haruhi cried. "If you're as amazing as you say, shouldn't you at least try?!"

"Oh, well, alright," he groaned in reluctance before sitting up and turning to face the girl. "What is it?"

"Well ever since I was a little girl, my parents argued a lot and-"

"Now, no one asked for your life story!" Tamaki rolled his eyes and sipped at a fresh bottle of Evian. "Can't you tell me in thirty seconds or less?"

"Senpai!"

"One minute then."

"Well..." the girl sighed. "Alright."

One minute later...

The room was thick with sobbing. Mori was the loudest. The twins had gazed up from their Calculus texts. Haruhi eyed Tamaki hopefully.

"I just don't want to argue with him anymore," Akira sniffed. "I don't want to be my parents all over again so please!" She looked to the blonde. "What should I do?" Everyone else followed her gaze.

"Hm?" Tamaki glanced up from his ping pong racket. "Gorrillas did what, now?"

Haruhi's fists clenched.

"You made me lose!" He pouted angrily. "I hope you're happy!"

"Senpai..."

"If this is anything like how you treat your boyfriend and you still don't know why he hates you, I think I have a few ideas."

"I QUIT!"

Everyone gasped as the commoner exploded in anger. Mori pulled out his Flip Cam.

"I quit until all of you start acting normal again!" Her glare focused in on Tamaki. "Especially, you, senpai! And to think I was actually beginning to think you were an admirable person!"

"I am an admirable person!"

"You're an asshole!" She turned on her heel and started toward the door. "Call me when you come to your senses."

"Kaoru! Hikaru!"

"Crap..." She cursed as both twins caught her by the arms. "Don't you two have Calculus to do?"

"It can wait."

"You're not going anywhere!" Tamaki lashed out to point in her direction. "You're mine! I enslaved you fair and square!"

"What are you going to do?!" Haruhi shot back. "You can't keep me here forever!"

"Oh, but I can!" he smirked. "I'll just tell my daddy! I can expell you just like that!" He snapped his fingers.

"Well..." she swallowed hard. "I'll just go to school elsewhere."

"I'll have you blacklisted!"

"Your father wouldn't!"

"He would do anything for me!"

"Why aren't any of you helping me?!" she demanded of the other club members as they stared on uncomfortably.

"Because..." Hikaru started from her side.

"We don't want to get blacklisted either." Kaoru finished.

"Pretty much," Kyouya, Mori, and Hunny all nodded along.

"Senpai!" she seethed. "You can't just collect people and blackmail them into staying with you! That's not how you make friends!"

"It's not?" he blinked innocently, eyes wide, before shrugging. "Well, it works for me."

"No, it doesn't!" she spat. "None of us actually like you!"

"Hm?" His eyes wandered between all of the members. "Don't you guys like me?"

"Of course we do!" Everyone, but Haruhi spoke between gritted teeth.

"SEE?"

"They're just saying that because they're afraid you're going to get them expelled!"

"It's alright." He nodded, eyes closed, arms crossed. "I understand, Haruhi."

"You do?" Hope fluttered in her chest.

"You're just jealous because you're not the only one who has Daddy's attention!" He moved his index finger in a sing song way "But you don't have to be for long!"

"Wha-?"

"We're going to be married!" his eyes sparkled with excitement.

"What the-!" She nearly choked. "I'd never marry an idiot like you!"

He pulled a sheet of paper from seemingly no where and rose from the sofa to approach her. "This is your Ouran contract." He positioned his index finger and thumb at the top of the sheet in a ripping motion. "Do you want to marry me now?"

"I'd STARVE FIRST!"

He grinned widely. "That can be arranged."

"Just marry him, Haru-chan!" Hunny bit into a head of lettuce.

"Do it, girl!" Mori winked.

"Do it so we can get back to our purpose in life!" the twins begged.

"I'll pay for your wedding," Kyouya offered.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Haruhi wailed.

Tamaki draped his arms around her. "We'll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..."

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Haruhi screamed and launched into an upright position, almost hitting her head on the table top. Rubbing her eyes, she blinked to see that she was sitting in the third music room, a tower of paper and books before her.

"What the hell happened, Haruhi?" Hikaru snickered.

"Did you dream that you and Tono were married?" Kaoru added, jokingly.

Yes, actually. "How long have I been sleep?"

"Long enough." Hikaru shrugged.

"You fell asleep doing that boring Calculus homework."

"Are you awake now, Haru-chan?!" Hunny climbed onto the chair across from hers, a saucer of strawberry cake in hand. "I hope you had nice dreams!"

"Mm." Mori only grunted from his place beside Hunny.

"I hope you didn't drool on that wood, Haruhi." Kyouya smiled enigmatically from the shadows. "Water damage is quite pricey. I'd have to add it to your debt, you know."

"What are you all sitting around for?!" A dreadfully familiar voice filled the room. "The customers will be here any minute!"

"Alright, alright." Hikaru shrugged.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, Tono."

"WHAT?!"

They all filed toward the front of the large music room to take their places.

"Are you alright, Haruhi?" The Host King eyed her in concern. "You look exhausted."

"I don't know," she sighed before shooting him a suspicious look. "Senpai?"

"Hm?"

"Would you ever use your father to blackmail everyone into doing whatever you say?"

He stared at her blankly before giving a soft laugh. "That's a silly question, Haruhi." His expression grew vain. "My charm and charisma is enough to hypnotize anyone into doing whatever I say! Besides," he laughed. "What could my father possibly use against you?"

Relief flooded her chest and an irrepressable giggle started in her throat.

"Haruhi?" his brow furrowed. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah." Her laughter quieted and she turned to give him a warm smile. "I think I'll be fine."