Getting in the car with Dean after their whole Heaven experience wasn't something that Sam was looking forward to, but when Dean threw the amulet away, he was even less partial to the idea. He knew that it was going to be a long and tense ride.
But here he was sitting next to his too quiet brother in the car going God knew where, and silence was wrapped around them like a suffocating blanket. Sam, for the first couple of hours was waiting for the ball to drop, for Dean to start yelling, or accusing, but he didn't. He simply starred ahead and kept on driving.
It wasn't until after the second stop for food and gas that Dean finally said softly, "Someone did cut off the crust of your P B and J." Deans' voice was thick with emotion and Sam didn't' understand.
"Who?" Dean gave a small sad laugh, licked his lips and shook his head.
"Man. You really don't like me do you?"
"I was the one who cut off the crusts of your P B and Js. I was the one who dressed you, taught you how to ride a bike, tie your shoes, I'm the one who taught you how to read your first book. I did everything I knew how to give you the childhood that I had had just a little taste of. I really wanted you to be happy. I never tried to make your life miserable."
Sam bit his bottom lip to keep himself from crying. "I, guess, I never looked at it like that."
"Then Sam. Please tell me how you looked at that. Because I don't understand."
Sam ran a hand down his face and sighed. "I always saw what the other kids had, and I thought that it was perfect. A mom, a dad, siblings, grandparents. All of that. I thought that was what a family was. I thought…I thought that we weren't a family, we were a small company of soldiers fighting in a war that I didn't understand and was drafted into. I wanted to get away, I wanted to be so far away that it hurt sometimes Dean. I didn't have any of the memories of Mom and Dad that you do, and I didn't have a reason to stay. I wanted to be free, wanted to be on my own. And when I got away, when I was on my own, I was so happy. I wasn't fighting anything or anyone. I wasn't starting fights with Dad, and it was truly wonderful to be on my own."
"Dean….I…I never meant to hurt you in the process. I just always thought you could handle it, I thought…I don't know. I just didn't. And for that I'm sorry." Dean nodded taking in his brother's words. He ran a hand down his face.
"Don't you remember anything good about being younger?" Dean asked softly.
Sam nodded vigorously, eager to show his brother that his whole happiness wasn't dependant on Dean not being there. "Yeah! I mean I remember the fireworks. I remember the two of us just leaving the motel one afternoon when I was 14, just to get some air, and we walked and walked and walked all day. We ended up at a lake and just sat and watched other people fish. I have good memories of us together Dean."
"Just not your Heaven."
"Just not Zechariah's manipulated version of my heaven." Dean gave a disbelieving noise and Sam's frustration rose. "You know what my best memory of being a kid was?"
"Giving you that necklace. Knowing that you were wearing it all of the time and you prized it, because you prized nothing back then, didn't care if we left half of your stuff at the last motel, you could always get new crappy clothes as you always said. But you never took that damn thing off, and the one time you lost it, we were a day and a half late meeting dad and he chewed you a new one, but you refused to not have it, you refused to not have it with you. And you just threw it away Dean, you threw out one of my prized memories." Sam's voice was angry and when he stopped talking he realized he hadn't meant to say what he said and now he felt a little embarrassed for saying it.
Dean cleared his throat. "Stop at the next motel?"
"Sure." Dean nodded, and the silence kept on rolling.