Coyote Genius and Rascally Rabbit
Rated T for mature themes. Or immature, depending on how you look at it.
I've finally gone 'round the twist, peeps. I was watching Bugs Bunny with my kids this morning, and I thought, 'this is perfect for a Crackfic'. So here you go. If you don't know who Wile E is, you totally will not 'get' this. But Bugs is pretty famous, right?
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
The substance of this story is taken from "Operation Rabbit" (1952), which may be found at imdb(dot)com/character/ch0029626/quotes
Starring Edward Cullen as Wile E. Coyote, Bella Swan as Bugs Bunny, and Charlie Swan as Elmer Fudd.
Please review, and tell me how weird I am this morning. Should have had coffee before I opened my laptop, I guess.
Somewhere in Phoenix, a shy, brown-eyed girl is sitting down with her morning coffee, when a polite tap comes upon her door ...
Knock, knock, knock.
Bella Swan opens the door, to find a beautiful stranger standing on her doorstep. She has admired him from a distance at school. His eyes? Smouldering. Black. Fathomless. His bronze hair? Wild and windswept, as though he has just gotten out of bed. He looks delicious. And the look on his face? Positively predatory.
"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Edward Anthony Cullen, genius. I am not selling anything nor am I working my way through college, so let's get down to basics: you are my Singer and I am going to eat you for my supper."
The lovely Bella regards him with surprise. He could eat her, any day. She gives him the once-over, her eyes appraising. "Nya-a-a-p. Wha-a-at's up, D-doc?" she stammers nervously, wondering how he might have noticed her, with prettier, braver girls like that Jessica and Lauren around.
"I told you. I am going to eat you for my supper. I am a vampire. Don't bother trying to get away. I am more muscular, more cunning, faster and larger than you are, and I am a genius, while you could hardly pass the entrance examinations to kindergarten, so I'll give you the customary two minutes to say your prayers." Edward A. Cullen invites himself into her front room, standing close enough to breathe down her neck.
Perhaps she should play a little hard to get. "I'm sorry, Mac, the lady of the house ain't home. And besides, we mailed you people a cheque last week." Bella flutters her eyelashes at the hunky vampire, who rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Why do they always want to do it the hard way?" he fusses. He saunters past the girl into the kitchen, opens the grocery sack he brought with him, and starts banging around, getting out her pots and pans. Soon, he is busily chopping vegetables into simmering water.
The lovely girl peers over his shoulder, not-so-accidentally brushing against him from behind as she does so. "Eh, what's cooking, Doc?"
"Rabbit Stew. Gad, I'm such a genius!"
The girl rubs up behind him a little more aggressively. "Mmm, smells mighty good. But there's only one little thing wrong with it."
The predator is taken aback. "There is? What?"
"No rabbit," she shrugs.
"Well, normally I'm a vegetarian," the vampire answers.
"Me, too," Bella responds. They smile at each other. Before long, she is sitting down to eat the savoury stew, as the vegetarian vampire watches, his tongue practically lolling on the floor.
"I have come to give myself up on account of I cannot fight no more against such genius," Bella says with a small moue, pulling Edward A. Cullen, Most Eligible Bachelor, to the couch.
"A wise decision, my friend. You have just saved yourself from a fate worse than the frying pan." They fall to kissing and are soon making out. "Edward A. Cullen, Supergenius. I like the way it rolls out. Edward A. Cullen, Supergenius."
The girl pulls back, retrieving a paper from the coffee table. "I have only one last request. I have made out my marriage license, but I need a witness to make it official. Would you sign it with this fountain pen?" she flirts.
"Certainly, my dear. Delighted to be of service. Very amateurish attempt on my person." He signs the document with a flourish, not realizing he has signed his un-life away. "Being a genius certainly has its advantages." He lunges down to ravish her neck with his tongue, considering whether he should drink her blood, or indulge his more sociable inclinations.
"Yes, genius. Thanks for marrying me." The rascally Bella tucks the document safely under the couch cushions, away from the gobsmacked eyes of her now-official mate. "I'm looking over, a three-leaf clover, that I over looked bethree..." she sings.
Edward A. Cullen shrugs and goes back to seducing his Singer. "Ah, my darling. How beautiful you are. How devastating. How lucky. Little did you dream that one day you would marry a genius."
"Fight fire with fire, I always say," the bride winks.
The vampire shakes his head and looks upon his mate with new-found respect and awe. " Brilliance. That's all I can say. Sheer, unadulterated brilliance!"
Just as they are getting really into it, the front door crashes open, revealing a hyperventilating, shotgun-brandishing Charlie Swan. "It's vampire season!" he roars, cocking the gun at Edward.
"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mud." As Edward leaves, he yelps "It's not vampire season. It's rabbit season."
"Vampire season!" insists Charlie, chasing Edward Cullen from the house. The abandoned bride watches them go, and rips up the marriage certificate with a sigh.
"And as we all know, Mud spelled backwards is 'Dum'. What a maroon!" Bella sneers. "Don't they ever learn?"
Well? What's the verdict, Doc? Review.