AN: This got so much response when I blogged it on Tumblr so I thought I'd share it with FF readers. If you are a Twilight fan—especially an emotionally sensitive one—this is not for you so clear off.
It's a face off between the hero of the Wizarding world and Edward Cullen's personal brand of heroin!
Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor Twilight.
"They say nobility and stupidity are one and the same. In this case they're two completely different aspects." – Me
The Chosen One vs. The Clueless One
— Bella whines because her parents are divorced.
— Harry has never even met his parents because they were murdered when he was one.
— Bella whines because there's only one bathroom in Charlie's house and it's always raining.
— Harry slept in a cupboard under the stairs for ten years, raised by his inhuman aunt and uncle and treated like a personal punching bag by his cousin.
— Bella was introduced to this amazing group of friends who care about her and try to make her laugh, but no, they're not important, because she chose the pedophilic vampire who stalks her and wants to eat her because she smells like flowers.
— Harry had the entire Wizarding World against him when he claimed that the Dark Lord has returned, and he had a 10,000 Galleon price on his head when he and his friends were on the run to save the world, not to mention the fact that the darkest wizard of all time has been hunting him down practically since he was born, but he keeps fighting.
— Bella whines because her boyfriend dumped her for her own good and mopes for no less than five months, not caring that her friends and father were worried as hell about her, before finally deciding to throw herself off a cliff.
— Harry is tortured because everyone he ever loved, trusted, or cared about, ends up dying, but he never moped around; he moved forward.
— When Harry looked into the Mirror of Erised, he saw his family standing beside him.
— If Bella looks into the Mirror of Erised, she would probably see herself making more devil vampire babies with her boyfriend.
— Bella whines because she doesn't want to get old and wants to screw herself up by turning into a vampire and living forever with her boyfriend.
— Harry savoured the last moments of his life as he walked towards his death to save everything/everyone he cared about, and practically the whole world.
— Harry had a decision to make: Live and let die or die for his friends? He died for his friends.
— Bella also had a decision to make: Bestiality or necrophilia? She loves her corpses sparkly. Poor Jacob. Oh, wait. He screwed her daughter so I guess it's a fair game.
— STEPHEN KING DOESN'T LIKE TWILIGHT.
If this were a boxing match it would be a The Chosen One win by knock out.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stephen King either.
AN: I'm sure there's more but right now that's all I can come up with. If you're a Twi-hard who happens to be reading this, sure, flame away. As long as you keep it under 500 characters because then I'd be too lazy to read it all. Also, I do believe I broke a FF guideline here somewhere. Oh, bugger, now FF's gonna chuck me in Azkaban.
BTW, I know Bella also had another decision to make. That one between staying human and being a vampire? Apparently it was the most important decision she had to make (really? While most of us are pulling our hairs out for college and career choices this is what's keeping her awake at night? Really? Bugger it, I had no idea), but that wouldn't be funny, not to mention it's fairly stupid and pointless so I decided not to include that.
If you have suggestions or something you want to add, PM me or put it in a review.
Peace out, Muggles!