Arthur could recall two occasions when Lady Catrina, his erstwhile stepmother and the only troll to ever hold an authoritative position in Camelot's history, gave him advice on women.

The first had been in the guise of the beautiful noblewoman. It was shortly after 'the incident' with Gwen that Arthur wanted to forget. She came swaying up to him and spoke in her charming 'I'm not a gold-digger' voice. "Good morning."

He stood. "Good morning."

"Oh no please!" she said graciously. "Don't stand on my account. Sit, sit!"

They sat.

"Now what is bothering you, I wonder? Is it a lady?"

Arthur's cheeks brightened.

"If that is the case then I will tell you this," Catrina replied. She was probably regurgitating the (what she must have thought annoying) courting efforts Uther was using. "A lady loves it when her suitor talks. Take your father for example—if he has a problem, he tells me."

At the time he thought she was just being kind and wanted to help. She was really just playing him.

Still it did work. He and Gwen had a conversation where he had done just that – told Gwen his concerns. And she reassured him. He felt much better for it.

When it turned out that Catrina was a troll... things really did get weird. Arthur was pushed out as heir and confidant. It hurt and all he could do to console himself was have brief conversations with Gwen. She'd ask him if he was alright, he'd so no and she'd try and cheer him up (Usually making a troll joke) before they had to part.

Every night Arthur wondered if that is all they'd ever have while creating pleasure in the way that the later indication that Merlin had been in his room for two weeks disturbed him to no end. He was too embarrassed to admit it to himself.

He was walking through the grounds one day when he happened across Catrina waddling in the opposite direction. She was covered in filth; the smell indicated she was coming long before he'd seen her. Arthur tried not to make eye contact.

"What's your problem, whelp?" she grunted.

She was so huge that she blocked his way, "Nothing."

"You're not still moping over that female?" she croaked. He was surprised he remembered. "Why don't you just grab 'er and kiss 'er? Disgusting the way to stick your tongues in each other's mouths, oh and give her some of those fragrant weeds."

"You mean flowers?"

"Revolving things," she snorted. "Not those ghastly things from the garden though. A colourful one, a red one; they taste nicer."

Arthur nodded his head, half listening. "Right—tasty."

"Look—just do that mating practise you humans do and then jump on her."

His eyes widened. "Do what?"

"Jump on her," Catrina replied. "Human girls seem to like men that are forward. Then once you've got her you can climb on top of her and move about in that awful ritual you humans seem to find so agreeable."

Arthur started to feel dizzy from embarrassment and the smell. "I'm not hearing this..."

"You humans do lots of mating. Even if the female is not in season there you are banging away. But she'll still end up populating the land with your revolting spawn," Catrina grumbled as she barged past him. "Honestly, the way you humans breed is repulsive!"

Naturally Arthur didn't want to think about how Catrina had learned about human 'mating rituals', but it didn't stop him thinking about doing them with Gwen.


AN: Written for the A/G community on LJ's 1st drabble tag. The prompt was suggested by a friend of mine as "Catrina gives Arthur some tips about women".