By Chocolate Wolfie
"Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?"
-Oasis "Champagne Supernova"
Prompt: "18. Rainbow"
There are a few people in this world that are not intended to ever get high: the consumption of any drugs or alcohol and subsequent strange actions or hilarity completely contrary to their usual personalities could quite possibly tear a hole in the universe as we know it. Mainly because people would merely sit there, stare, and say (for lack of an eloquent response): "What?!" No matter their social status or level of companionship with the drug users in question.
Fifteen-year-old Earl Ciel Phantomhive and his demon-butler Sebastian Michaelis were two of those people that the universe intended to never come within five feet of a marijuana plant—and fate, as luck would have it, allowed the couple to stay quite far away from the herb due to Ciel's social status. Cannabis did not have the same popularity in Victorian England that it does today in middle-class America, and therefore neither the young Earl nor his demon butler had seen one of the tall, green plants or the lovely dry blend it produces.
The other workers of the Phantomhive manor, however, were an entirely different story.
"Finny, my friend. We have done it." Bard grinned, clapping a heavy hand over the gardener's shoulder as they admired the five-foot plant glowing emerald green. Finny beamed at the chef and reached out to stroke one of the leaves lovingly. It had taken several attempts in growing the plant in different soils around the manor, a lot of bullshitting ("It's a rare herb from an island off the coast of America. Bard's mother sent the seeds; and it's very delicate so you shouldn't touch it Young Master/Sebastian/Tanaka/Maylene."), and a grand amount of patience and devotion that were otherwise unheard of from the gardener and his flamethrower-toting friend.
But they finally had it. The most beautiful, special, and amazing plant on the face of the earth.
"We'll seal up all the cracks in the door of the broom closet on the second floor and smoke it in there. Last time I went into town, I got a new tobacco pipe, so we can probably use that instead of jacking the young master's cigars." Bard explained as Finny extracted several leaves to grind up later.
"It's not like he smokes them anyway." Shrugged the gardener, giggling to himself. "I've never done anything this bad before! I feel like we're gonna get in a lot of trouble for this, though."
"It's no big deal. I had a friend back in America who has a forest of this in his backyard." Bard smiled nostalgically. "Ah, we'd spend summer nights on the roof smoking it from my dad's tobacco pipe and eating entire pans of cornbread at a time."
"What's it like?" Finny quipped, cocking his head to one side. Bard reached up and scratched his head, squinting as if he would read the answer out of thin air.
"Kind of like… like your heads asleep and you're awake—but everything is amazing and hilarious. And you're really hungry, too." He attempted to explain, shrugging. "It's hard to describe. One of those things you've just got to experience, y'know?"
"Like getting a concussion?" Finny asked. Bard froze, considered it, and then nodded.
"Yeah, kind of like getting a concussion. Hard to describe, especially since you're so fucking out of it." He agreed as the gardener pocketed the leaves for later grinding. "But more than that, it's almost like there isn't anything to worry about in the world."
"I bet it's great to get a break from reality like that." Finny mused as they made their way out of the greenhouse and into the gardens surrounding it. "I mean; why is this stuff so frowned upon if it's that good? A lot of people could benefit from—."
"Damn it!" The French doors leading out into the garden burst open and out stormed their master, red-faced and teeth clenched. "Damn it all!"
"The young master shouldn't shout." Sebastian scolded, following the teen out as he began to pace and growl irately. "You're not usually one to make a scene such as this."
"Shut up!" Ciel snapped, wheeling on the butler with a vicious snarl. "I am beyond acting graciously at this point! This— this is absolutely ridiculous! This is the third shipment—." He froze, pulling at his hair as he sucked in several breaths in-between his teeth before turning to pin his wrath on Finny and Bard. "What are you two prats doing?! I was under the impression you were employed here to do your jobs; not to stand around and make complete arses of yourselves!"
Finny made a small noise, shrinking into himself and stepping behind Bard, who groaned out a sigh as Ciel continued to have his pissy fit.
"—and it's not as if you do anything useful anyway! I am well aware that more than half the time, Sebastian ends up doing your chores for you, you incompetent—!"
"If the young master is done having his tantrum and acting like a spoilt child, if I could make a suggestion based on the negotiations the pirates are—." Sebastian began calmly, though his eyes betrayed a certain level of annoyance to them.
"I AM NOT HAVING A TANTRUM!" Ciel fumed in a manner frighteningly reminiscent of a teenage girl, his single visible eye twitching as he stalked up to Sebastian and began to shower him with colorful curses.
"Puberty…" Bard mumbled, grabbing the slight gardener by his shoulders and steering him past the raging Earl and his apathetic butler. Once they were in the house, Finny turned to his taller companion, displaying a concerned expression.
"You think they had a lover's spat?" He asked, still watching the scene through the French doors. Ciel was now gesticulating like a crazed Italian woman on PCP.
"No, I think Ciel's just on his period." Bard shrugged it off. "They'd just be off having angry sex if that was the case."
"I think the young master's just had a lot on his plate, is all." Finny reasoned, pressing a single finger to his lips as he pouted with worry. "First those pirates interfering with his supplier, then that Swiss company backing out on the merger… it doesn't help that that weird redheaded guy showed up and tried to molest Mister Sebastian again last night."
"True." Bard agreeing, recalling the blatantly envious look that had begun to burn in Ciel's eyes the moment the strange man had pranced into the house and rubbing himself all over the Phantomhive butler.
"If anyone needs a break, it's the… young… master…" Finny trailed off, his blue eyes widening in shock as if an idea had just bloomed to life within his head. Bard started, taking the gardener by his slim shoulders and giving him a light shake.
"Finny?! What is it? You have your epiphany face on…" He mumbled the later darkly. "The last time that happened, we ended up stuck in a tree for twelve hours; this better not be anything involving trying to pet bear cubs again—."
"No." Finny whispered, eyes twinkling as if he had seen the light of God. "This is a wonderful idea."
"This is the worst fucking idea ever." Bard said, glaring down at the inconspicuous plate of brownies. It had taken all the willpower in the world not to just nuke the suckers; but after inhaling the smoke from torching the first batch, things had just seemed to get a lot more… mellow.
"It'll totally work." Finny whispered in excitement, as if they were planning a surprise birthday party instead of drugging their master. "All we have to do is give them to the master and have him eat them! It'll be perfect!"
"But… there's a problem." Bard frowned, his eyes narrowing. "That damn butler of his has to try everything before he gives it to Master. He'll know we put shit in this." He hung his head in defeat, clutching at the side of the counter. "We'd be fucked."
"But you said it takes awhile for it to work if you eat them!" Finny insisted, grasping Bard's hands and pumping them up and down enthusiastically. Then he stopped. Then he pumped them some more.
"What're you doing?" Bard grinned, laughter beginning to pepper his voice.
"I dunno, but its fun!" Finny beamed up at the chef, swinging their arms to and fro. "We can just tell Mister Sebastian that they're seasoned with some of the herb we've been growing. He has no idea what it does and we wouldn't be lying to him anyway!"
"But what if—." But Finny had already grabbed the brownies and was flying out of the kitchen, laughing hysterically. Bard stood and watched for several moments, wondering if he should be horrified or not. But then decided that there was probably still some biscuits in the cupboard and those sounded really good right now.
Meanwhile, Finny was as high as a kite and was positively frolicking through the house, the brownies bared before him like some sort of holy offering to his king. Where was Ciel anyway? Probably in his study. Finny suddenly froze, turning to admire an inconspicuous potted plant sitting next to a window. He really liked that plant. It was one of few he hadn't managed to kill, though the leaves got everywhere. Come to think of it, it had begun to lose some of its leaves, and the patch where those leaves had fallen began to look like a face, which was pretty cool. He should show Bard sometime—
"What are you doing?"
Finny jumped, nearly flinging the brownies into Sebastian's face in defense as he backed up several feet, giggling nervously. Sebastian arched an eyebrow, a small frown twitching onto his face.
"Are you alright?" The demon butler inquired, folding his arms across his chest. Finny continued to giggle, shifting nervously from foot to foot. He should've brought Bard with him. Or maybe that would've been worse. Or maybe—. "You smell odd." Sebastian commented, now outright frowning. "Did you burn somethi—."
"BROWNIES!" Finnian all but screamed, thrusting the plate of chocolatey squares into Sebastian's face. The butler stared at them for three seconds before looking right at Finny and giving him the very first confused look he had ever seen from the butler, forcing him to go into another fit of giggles. "F-for the young master! Gyahah… your face! You look like a confused kitty cat; oh my God I wish Bard could see this, oh my God!"
"O…kay." Sebastian said slowly, extracting the plate from Finny's grasp as the gardener doubled over in laughter. He picked one of the squares up, sniffing it experimentally. "You made these without burning them? They still smell strange."
Finny's giggles subsided as he looked up into Sebastian's speculating claret eyes with his own mirth-filled blue before bursting into another round of uncontrollable guffaws. "B-Bard and I! We put the herbs from our plant in it—oh my GOD your face! Kitty caaaaat!"
Sebastian took a step away from the gardener, who wiped tears from the corners of his eyes, forcing his expression to become serious. "We spent a lot of time trying to make those right… it's a 'We're sorry' gift for just standing around earlier and we've been worried about the young master and… and well," He smiled, beaming one thousand sparkles and joy and puppies at Sebastian, who cringed in fear of the sheer happy he radiated. "We just wanted to make young master happy."
"Right…" Sebastian nodded, hesitantly picking up one of the brownies and popping it in his mouth. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with them accept the strangely-flavored herb; but it was blended in so well with the chocolate that his master would not be able to taste it with his weak human palette. "Well, they seem fine. So I'll present them to him. In the mean time, you may want to go lay down…"
"YAY!" Finny screamed, causing the butler to inch away slowly, like someone scooting away from an obviously mentally disturbed person on a bus. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou Mister Sebastian!" In quick succession, he threw his arms around Sebastian before turning on his heel and sprinting down the hall. The demon blinked in mild shock before shaking himself and starting back to his master's study, where the Earl was still fuming (though Sebastian viewed it more as pouting than fuming) and looking over paperwork. He glared at his butler over the top of the documents clutched in his hand, raising an eyebrow as Sebastian set the plate of treats before him.
"A surprisingly-edible present from Bard and Finnian. They've made it as an apology for earlier today." He explained. Ciel glared up at him.
"What did they do?" He asked in a near growl.
"You don't remember? You were angry at them for standing around when you were having your conniption fit." Sebastian replied smoothly. Ciel snorted, returning to his work.
"They thought I was actually mad?" Asked the teenager, picking up a brownie and examining it before taking a bite.
"You certainly seemed so." Sebastian laughed softly to himself as Ciel rolled an eye, setting down his papers and pushing off of his seat. "Or were you just projecting?"
"I've been overwhelmed as of late, if you haven't noticed." The earl explained, organizing his papers as the butler fetched his traveling cloak. "What time are we meeting the president of Chriesi?"
"Three in the afternoon, my lord." Sebastian answered instantly, removing his pocket watch from his outer coat. "We should depart now if we wish to make the meeting with time to spare."
The wonderful thing about ingesting cannabis is the delay between the initial consumption and when the high hits. One can plan ahead to eat a special brownie and spend several hours going about your daily routine before you begin giggling and munching uncontrollably. The unfortunate thing about ingesting cannabis is that one will never know exactly when the aforementioned high will hit—and when it hits, it hits hard.
Ciel Phantomhive discovered this in the midst of a meeting with the president of a Swiss candy factory attempting to call off a merger with the Switzerland branch of Funtom, just as the translator was expressing President Allenbach's distrust in the Earl's idea of a merger.
"—because President Allenbach did some research considering Earl Phantomhive's previous mergers, only to find that they usually ended up in you completely taking over the original company and consuming it completely." The young woman was saying as Allenbach spoke in rapid Swiss German. "He fears that you are monopolizing the industry and would not like to be part of—."
"I feel so strange." Ciel announced rather abruptly. The translator stared at the teenager as he rolled the quill within his grasp between his thumb and forefinger, staring intently at the wall.
"Sir?" The translator blinked. Several of Allenbach's associates leaned forward, expressing concern. "Would you like to step outside?"
"No, no. I'm not… no." Ciel shook his head, waving away their concerns with his quill. "That was… odd."
The woman giggled uncomfortably, and opened her mouth to continue; however, Ciel quickly interrupted.
"I mean, it was one of those things that was supposed to stay in your head, but you said it out loud." He frowned, resting his cheek on his hand and staring up at the woman with a dazed expression. "You know? Does that ever happen to you?"
"Y…yes." The blonde girl nodded slowly. "Yes, I suppose that does happen occasionally. Would you like to continue, Earl Phantomhive?"
"Yeah, yeah." Ciel nodded, waving his quill in a little nod along with him. "Go on."
As President Allenbach continued to speak and the woman continued to translate, Ciel began to take notes, his quill flying across the parchment at a speed he had never seen it go before. He'd never remembered his handwriting being this beautiful before! It was quite amazing when he thought about it. Not to mention he was getting some awfully good notes – in fact, these were the best notes that he had ever taken! So detailed, but he was not writing down every one of the woman's words. In fact, he was already running out of space… which wasn't a problem; he'd just give the paper a quarter-turn and write on the sides.
"Which leads the President to his suggestion of Earl Phantomhive merely purchasing his establishment. It would save a lot of stress considering any potential legal—."
"Oh my God." Ciel whispered intensely, pausing in his note-taking. The tip of his quill was pressed up to his nose, and his visible eye was as wide as a saucer.
"Earl Phantomhive, are you well?" Allenbach's financial advisor asked; but his words were lost on Ciel as the Earl began to giggle softly.
"This…" He grinned, raising up the quill and giving it a little shake. "This used to be on a bird."
The translator and several of Allenbach's English-speaking associates began to exchange slightly-horrified looks. Had the young Earl gone mad?
"Yes… it did." The translator nodded slowly. "Earl Phantomhive, are you sure you're well?"
"I'm amazing." Ciel insisted, twirling the quill in his hands as if it were the greatest thing since demon butlers and forbidden sex. "I just never thought about it before, how this actually came from… a bird."
"Would… would you like this pen instead?" One of the other associates next to Ciel inquired, holding a fountain pen out to the teenager, who gladly accepted it, smiling angelically. Overall, it was pretty creepy. Ciel assessed the pen for several moments, pressing it up to his nose and inhaling deeply before flashing a thumbs-up at the others sitting in the room.
"I'm good." He announced, still grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
"O…okay." The translator began again, looking positively horrified. 'And to think I could've moved to Germany and been a bar maid. But nooo, I just had to insist on learning English and getting a job; now I'm stuck with this strange young boy smelling pens and business deals.' "Would you like to continue?"
"Yeah, yeah." Ciel nodded, waving his hand lightly. His eyes were still trained on the pen as he began to draw in elegant sweeping motions on his paper.
"As… as President Allenbach was saying," The translator said, nervously patting her blonde curls into place. "He was interested in having you buy out the company. So… what do you think about that prospect, Earl Phantomhive?"
Ciel was silent, his eye narrowing as he twirled the pen in his fingers. Several of Allenbach's associates leaned forward as he sighed, closing his eye—
And promptly burst into uncontrollable laughter.
"I have… I have a pen!"
Meanwhile, outside of the meeting, Sebastian was faring just as well as his master.
"I've just… I've never thought about it before." He mumbled to himself, staring directly at his palms as he held them close to his face. "How strange… I mean… fingers."
The demon flexed his fingers, removing one of the gloves with his teeth and holding his hand up to the sky, watching in deep interest as the light caught his dark red claws. "You never see how peculiar things are until you take the time to ponder them." He explained, wiggling the digits and grinning. "And all the uses! They're not only for picking things up, but for making food, and fighting." He held up both hands to the sky. "Creation and destruction. It shows the duality of all living creatures. As a demon, I should only be destroying, but I create so much." His grin became sinister as he pulled one hand to his lips, licking one of the digits. "Like pleasure." He paused, blinking wine-colored eyes several eyes. "And éclairs. I would love to have an éclair right now. And an apple." The demon's lips thinned. "And some rabbit, and maybe a few biscuits. What about you?"
He turned to his companion, a small black kitten sitting beside him in a patch of sunlight. The cat stared up at him with large, green eyes and mewled. Sebastian shrugged. "I'm not partially fond of mouse. Tree squirrel, on the other hand," He folded his arms over his chest and nodded. "Quite a delicacy, I would assume."
The cat butted its head against the demon's knee. Sebastian sighed and plucked up the feline, beginning to play with its paws. "I wonder where I am." He mused, staring around at the alleyway where he was situated against a wall. Nearby, a homeless man was sleeping in a pile of newspapers, snoring loudly. Sebastian looked down at the kitten once more. "I followed you quite a ways, my friend. Young master is going to be worried—."
As if on cue, Sebastian froze, hearing Ciel's call echoing in his mind. Setting the cat down, he took to his feet and began to race to his master's side.
"P-President Allenbach is so glad to have sold his company to such an enthusiastic young man." The translator dabbed at her forehead with a handkerchief as the Swiss man shook Ciel's hand with vigor, grinning at the beaming young Earl as he spoke in rapid German. "He was afraid that you were going to live up to your reputation as a cold, uncaring young man and was uncertain of selling Chriesi to such a person."
"That's okay!" Ciel nodded, shaking her hand as well. "My butler should be here momentarily, and—speak of the devil!" He paused, giggled madly, and pranced up to a raven-haired man rounding the corner to the street. "Hiiiiii Sebastiaaaaan!"
"Young master." Sebastian smiled, gathering Ciel into his arms for a passionate hug. Then he picked him up and, for good measure, spun him around and planted a kiss on his forehead.
Allenbach laughed jovially as his translator and associates stared in confusion and shock.
"Oh my God, I missed you so much, it was so boring!" Ciel whined, pressing himself up against the butler and nuzzling at his collar affectionately, giggling. "I'm a kitty cat."
"I love cats." Sebastian smiled with a content sigh.
"I know." Ciel giggled, inhaling deeply without removing himself from his butler's chest. "Oh my word, you smell amazing!"
"Really?!" Sebastian cried, pulling away from Ciel. "What do I smell like, young master."
"Like… like…" Ciel blinked, waving his arms around wildly as if that somehow helped to describe what he had smelled. "Like amazing."
"I smell like amazing?" Sebastian repeated, pressing his sleeve up to his nose and inhaling deeply. Allenbach shook his head and began to lead his horrified associates away from the scene. "Oh wow…"
"Sebastian!" Ciel gasped with sudden vigor, grasping the butler's face and wrenching him down to meet claret with enthralled violet-blue. The butler numbly wondered when Ciel had grown enough to reach his face without standing on a step-stool. "Sebastian… your eyes."
"My eyes?" The butler inquired, raising his ungloved hand to wrap around Ceil's as the Earl smiled warmly.
"There are rainbows in your eyes." Ciel breathed in a tiny whisper. Sebastian stared back before a warm look melted over his face and he caressed his master's cheek tenderly.
"Thank you… I can truly say I've never received such a compliment before." He admitted. Ciel sighed and dropped down from his tip-toes, deflating in his butler's chest.
"I am so hungry right now." Ciel mumbled into the demon.
"Me, too." Sebastian agreed, scooping Ciel into his arms to the horror of many passers-by. "Let's go get lunch. I want lunch."
"Lunch sounds amazing." Ciel agreed with an enthusiastic nod.
"Where would you like to eat, my lord?"
Ciel paused, and then thought. And then decided his fingers were delicious and began to chew on them. And then he thought some more. "The bridge." He answered.
"The bridge?" Sebastian repeated, cocking his head to the side like a confused feline. "Is the restaurant called that…?"
"No." Ciel narrowed his eyes, biting his finger furiously. "No, no. Its… is by a bridge. But I…" He scowled. "I don't know which one. But they have the best food in the world there. I mean, like, the best. In the world." Ciel paused, started down at his finger and began to giggle like a lunatic.
"But… my lord, what would you like me to do—?" Sebastian began, looking for all the world like a confused kitten.
"Sebas—Sebastian, listen!" Ciel hit his butler's arm; and even though the demon was silent and at full attention, the Earl continued. "No, no! Lis—Listen! I order you to take me to the bridge."
The confused kitty look persisted. "But, but… which one, my lord? There are a lot of bridges…"
Ciel was grinning, looking quite manic. "Alllllll of them." He whispered.
"Sebastian we're flying! Oh my God this is simply amazing!" Cried the earl as Sebastian dashed from rooftop to rooftop, ignoring the incredulous looks from the citizens of London. Through the air they went, landing neatly upon yet another bridge. The earl climbed from his butler's arms, laughing, and rested his arms on the stones, the giggles subsiding as he stared at the sunset. Sebastian watched the teen as he sighed, closing his eye. It was the most content that he'd seen the young earl in ages and made him feel just a bit squishy inside.
"Huh?" Ciel perked up as he felt warm arms wrap around him. "What're you doing, Sebastian?"
"Hug." The demon answered in a muffled voice, face pressed into Ciel's neck.
"Okay." Nodded the teen, patting Sebastian's raven hair. "Come on, let's go! I want to find it, I'm soooo hungry." He pulled away, beginning to walk in little circles as he waited for the demon to gather him up once more.
"Huh?" The boy in question froze, blinking up at his butler. Sebastian was gazing at him in adoration (whether it was drug-induced or genuine was impossible to tell).
"I just want to you remember how much I love you, okay?" Sebastian assured him, pulling the earl in for another hug. Ciel's mouth collided with the butler's chest awkwardly.
"Okay." He replied again, nuzzling there. "Why did you call me Ciel, though?"
"Because I love you so much."
"That's nice. You still smell amazing."
"But what does amazing smell like?"
By the fifteenth bridge, Ciel was beginning to wonder where they were.
By the twentieth bridge, Sebastian started to realize that they had entered the countryside and were now stopping on every little wooden bridge to admire the view.
By the thirty first bridge, he realized that there were no restaurants in the countryside.
And by the thirty eighth bridge, the high had worn off, leaving a dizzy edge to their minds and a lovely view of a babbling brook in the British countryside some thirty miles from the Phantomhive manor.
And Ciel was not happy.
"Yes, my lord?"
"Who decided it would be a good idea to go to every bridge ever?" Ciel growled, glowering down at the murky little stream gurgling below them. Sebastian shook his head.
"I believe it was you, my lord." He replied with a deep sigh, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Herbs… how could I have…?" Sebastian huffed. "Would you like to kill the idiots, or should I?"
"Save them for me, I'm much less efficient at slaughtering, and therefore it'll be a longer and more painful process." Ciel said flatly. "And I'm still hungry, you know."
"Yes, my lord."
Author's Notes: If you're expecting me to explain this, don't. Just... just don't. Its far better to just accept it and move on with your life. Because I promise you; if you think too hard about this, your head will explode. No, I don't know if weed seeds available in late Victorian England. No I'm not sure if Bard and Finny would be able to grow a weed plant. No I don't know if this is at all even feasable. Like I said, just don't think about it. Its better to just read and enjoy this sheer crack than to read and think: "What the flying FUCK?!"
I think the only possible explaination I can give for this is that I wanted to write something funny for this fandom. I'll try to switch it up between light hearted, funny, mixed, and slight angst. Who knows, I may even write an emo fest next time! 8D
I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I loved to write it! As always, much love!