Title: The Boeist Bible

Summary: The Doctor discovers a so-called "Bible" dedicated to none other than Jack Harkness and Rose insists on reading it, to his everlasting horror. Purely for fun.

Author's Note: This is by no means a serious fic. Pure parody. This was actually inspired by a fic I wrote with Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley, Converting To Boeism which can be found on my page near the bottom of my fic list. This story stands alone and I really hope you enjoy it. I'm not yet sure how regularly this will be updated considering my exams are coming up soon but I hope you like this. Please leave a review. Any ideas for stories you think might like to see in the "Boeist Bible" are very welcome and I'll see what I can do! Thank you to L.C for her help!

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who.


The Doctor walked causally around the TARDIS one lazy afternoon. He'd just been to California Planet and spent a wonderful day eating ice cream and lying on the beach with Rose Tyler. He'd never felt more relaxed and at ease with the world. Perhaps they could do it again sometime soon.

Suddenly, something caught his eye and he frowned. A book was lying on the floor beside the consol. Crouching down, he picked it up tentatively and nearly dropped it almost instantly. The air was filled with a piecing, horrified scream that seemed for all who could hear like the world was coming to an end. The Doctor threw the book down, screaming at the top of his lungs and hurrying to the other side of the room. It couldn't be! He couldn't face it if it was. Please say it wasn't…

"Doctor!" Rose said, alarmed as she launched down the stairs with a look of intense panic on her face. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"No!" the Doctor gasped, "No, I'm not!"

"What's wrong?" the young pretty blonde wanted to know, looking around the room for some evidence of what was actually happening. The Doctor's evident terror had alarmed her and her mind was racing with all sorts of wild thoughts: Daleks? Cybermen? The Master?

What she was not, however, expecting was for the Doctor to say, "Jack!"

"What?" Rose queried, confused, "Isn't that good?"

"NO!" the Doctor said, backing into the wall with wild panic burning in his eyes. He looked almost deranged and if the situation hadn't been so confusing, Rose would have laughed. "It's like my dream!"

"What dream?" Rose raised her eyebrow, "Oh please…"

"You know the one… The one where Jack tried to convert us all to Boeism! He made us all live in his temple and wear his stupid uniform and read us the Boeist Bible!"

"You mean the dream that caused you to drag me off to the Boeshane Peninsula and try and stop Jack's parents from having sex with each other?" Rose scoffed incredulously. "Which clearly had no effect whatsoever."

"Yes, that dream!" the Doctor said frantically, "The Boeist Bible! It's here, Rose, it's here!" Now crouching down against the wall, he pointed towards the book lying perfectly innocently on the floor. The Doctor saw passed it's pretence though; he knew that the book was filled with nothing but evil, perverted stories all featuring none other than Jack Harkness.

Rose giggled and made to pick up the book despite the Doctor gasping. She examined the shiny gold cover and black lettering spelling out the words "The Boeist Bible". Her eyes widened slightly but she assumed it must be some sort of joke on Jack's part, just a trick to scare the Doctor. "What harm can it do?" she asked the Doctor as she went to open the first page.

"NO!" the Timelord yelled again, covering his ears in panic. "Don't!"

Rose grinned, turned to the first page and began to read. "In the beginning there was a prophecy that a newborn child would be the new beginning of the world. His birth would signify the dawning of a new age. He would live for many, many years and influence the lives of many. He would be a protector, a brother, a friend, a lover and a revolutionary. He would be what the universe needed."

At this point, Rose paused in her narrative to allow herself to regain her breath from trying not to laugh. The Doctor was looking appalled and to be frank, downright terrified. Sniggering, Rose carried on reading, "So it happened that a mysterious and remarkably attractive figure wearing a unique combination of converse shoes and a pinstriped suit-."

"Please stop reading," the Doctor begged miserably, looking pleading and desperate. "This is the story he read in the dream… Oh no, Rose! It's a premonition! It's all coming true! He'll walk in now and-."

Rose laughed hysterically, tears streaming down her face and then continued in the story, "appeared one day and spoke to two young lovers living in the Boeshane Peninsula. According to a lowly fisherman whom happened to be passing by, the man said, "Hello. I'm the Doctor and you must be Mr and Mrs…Jack's Parents. Now listen to me closely. Whatever you do, do not have sex. I repeat! Do not have sex, if you do you will produce the spawn of the devil and the most horrifying man in the universe! He will be a conman and a time agent with a sex God complexion and he'll live forever just to annoy the hell out of every living being. Goodbye." It is widely believed that these facts are to a large extent untrue seeing as that very hour, the two young adults were making love to each other under the allusion they were doing something for the good of the universe." Rose gaped at the book and looked up at her friend whom was looking horrified, "We're mentioned in the book! He even wrote down exactly what you said!"

"Why didn't they listen?" the Doctor sobbed hopelessly.

Rose shrugged, "I wouldn't know. But this is good!" She looked back to the book and continued reading, "Soon later they had a son. He was born at dawn and the sun shone high in the sky and his parents knew that was going to be the best thing in their lives. This truly was a new dawn for the universe."

"Yes," the Doctor agreed, "But not in a good way."

"As predicted, he was called Jack. People travelled miles to the Boeshane Peninsula to bring gifts to the child. Jack grew from a baby to a toddler to a child and all the while people marvelled at his amazing talents and gathered from afar just to hear him speak his words of wisdom. It was rumoured that the Gods themselves were guiding Jack in everything he did just to be sure that he would not stray off the path of brilliance. He became a model for a large while and people bowed to his stunning figure. Jack loved the attention." Rose paused with an eyebrow raised, "Seriously? This all sounds so much like our Jack."

"Please, make it stop!" the Doctor sobbed desperately.

"There's only a bit left," Rose smiled, "For many years Jack grew and developed as a person and became more and more loved for his sheer awesomeness. He was gorgeous and everyone adored him. He would soon have many, many adventures. His first act of kindness however, was buying his parents a pair of working hearing aids upon the realisation that they were, in fact, practically deaf and had been since before Jack's birth."

"So that's why they didn't listen to me!" the Timelord realised, looking mortified. "This is awful! Put that book down, Rose! Please!"

"Nah, I want to read the rest!" she giggled, settling herself in a chair and turning the page.