A/N: Okie, I first saw Advent Children a few years ago, and I've been itching to write some sort of parody about it for a while now. But before I begin, I just want to make something clear. I have absolutely no grudges against this movie, seeing that it is made out of pure awesomeness. This is just something that popped into my head in the middle of school. Hope that I did okay. Please enjoy.
Disclaimer: This is a p-a-r-o-d-y. Say it with me. So in other words, there's no way that I own anything related to Final Fantasy i.e. it's characters, plot lines, and other what not. Nothing! Bupkiss!
"Once upon a time, there was this one guy who went insane, and destroyed a town for no apparent reason," a little girl with a horrible monotone said. "And a few people had a problem with that." Spontaneous flashes of random pictures follow. A green marble falling into a lake, some girl getting thrown into a pond, and two men with ambiguous sexualities fighting each other. "But instead of actually telling the people who didn't play the game what the hell is going on, we're going to keep moving on so that you feel lost for the rest of the movie."
Some chick with abnormally large breasts was polishing a glass in a random bar. "Well anyway, thanks for listening," she said, scrubbing at the glass with unnatural ferocity. "You know, I'm supposed to be the character that supports everybody else in this movie, but it kinda gets tiring after a while. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm glad that you decided to come and listen to me rant." Looking over her shoulder, Tifa gave a small smile to a cardboard cutout of Emo McAngst a.k.a. Cloud Strife. Suddenly she heard the phone ring from up the stairs. Keeping the glass in hand, she marched up to the stairs and glared at the source of the incessant ringing. "He's not here," she growled, crossing her arms over her enormous chest. When the device continued to ring, she suddenly threw the glass at it and screamed, "I said he's not here, dammit!" The now-silent phone was lying on the ground along with the shards of glass.
Poking her head into another room, Tifa winced at the sounds of the loud screams coming from the room. "Is Denzel getting any better?" she asked Marlene.
"… What does it look like?" the girl replied, looking as if she was struggling to hold back an eye-roll. Suddenly, Tifa was distracted again as the phone began ringing again.
Stalking towards it, she picked it up and yelled, "What the hell do you WANT?!" Listening to the response, she muttered darkly, "I told you never to call here again."
'None shall ever know of my suffering. Because of my suffering, people have suffered, which has led to more suffering that I could not prevent. God, I'm gorgeous,' a certain blond thought as he randomly stared out over a cliff. What was he doing there anyway? Is it his hobby or something? Doesn't he know that a sudden gust of wind could send him tumbling to his death? How the hell are the people who have never played the game before supposed to figure this kind of crap out?!
After spontaneously listening to the message that the girl with the giant breasts left, Cloud got on his badass motorcycle and proceeded to ride out into the proverbial sunset.
Watching him from yet another cliff are three silver-haired, equally metro sexual men. Except for that one guy. You know, the one with the short hair that no one likes? Yeah, that one. And he knows that no one likes him too. Why else would he cry so much in the movie? I mean Rude has more fans than him. Rude.
"Sic 'im boys," Kadaj ordered as he pulled out his cell phone.
"Why should we listen to what you say?" asked the she-male with the longest hair. "Considering that you're obviously the youngest out of all of us and all."
"Because Yazoo, I'm the one with the biggest mother complex in this movie." Suddenly hearing the sounds of a grown man crying, Kadaj said, "And no one loves you Loz, so just shut the hell up!" Needless to say, this just made Loz cry even more. Giving a frustrated sigh, Kadaj shot Yazoo with a pleading gaze.
"Fine," he muttered. Walking from where Loz sat crying on his motorcycle, Yazoo nonchalantly kicked both Loz and the motorcycle off the cliff. Then climbing onto his own vehicle, Yazoo drove off the cliff to do whatever they were supposed to do to Emo McAngst. Or whatever his name was.
After an overrated fight scene where Cloud almost got shot (because killing off a main character in the first fifteen minutes of a movie is taboo), the guys with the severe mother complexes left once Kadaj finished his conversation on the phone. Yeah. That made sense.
"So… what's the point of you covering your face again?" Cloud asked in his monotone as he stood in front of Rufus Shinra.
"I barely escaped with my life that day. Don't you think that I just might have some scarring?" he retorted.
"No, that's not it." Furrowing his eyes in deep thought, Cloud snapped his fingers as the answer finally came to him. "That's it! You're hiding from the fangirls!"
"Nonsense! I do not hide from anyone!"
"Really?" Sticking his head out the window, Cloud shouted, "Hey! Rufus and Reno are kissing!"
With a speed that no one expected a "handicapped" person to have, Rufus suddenly tore Cloud away from the window before barricading it shut. "Are you trying to get us all killed?! They come in flocks, I tell you! Flocks!"
"So you suffer from the same suffering that causes many fictional characters to suffer as well?" Cloud questioned. "I too suffer from this torment. The torment that torments me with the tormenting powers of women. It fills me with the agony that—"
"That's nice. Now back to business," Rufus said hurriedly. Cloud's angst-rants were infamous for boring the shit out of most people. And by most people, I mean everybody. "I need you to do me a favor."
"…I'm out of here," Cloud muttered as he skulked out of the room. This is our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.
"Is your ringtone supposed to act as fanservice?" Tifa asked drily as Loz answered his phone.
"Shut up!" he said as more tears began to cascade down his face. "No one understands me!"
"Tell it to someone who cares!"
"Look at what I can do!" Kadaj screeched as he broke down the door to the lodge. He then proceeded to spontaneously change from his form to Sephiroth's at random intervals. It was almost like a flash game of some sort. A flash game that was becoming increasingly annoying.
Motioning to Rude, Rufus muttered, "Hey meat-shield, d'ya think you could throw him out?"
"I'm afraid not sir."
"And why the hell not?! I'm the one that signs your paycheck, aren't I?!"
"Yes, but you see, he's a major villain. No one but the protagonist can do anything about that," Rude said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder to where Kadaj was… being Kadaj.
"… And who was the moron who made that rule up?" Rufus snarled.
"The producers, I believe."
"The producers, eh?" As Kadaj continued to keep transforming, Rufus suddenly shouted, "Reno, meet your new dartboard!"
Cloud was fighting against a summon that nobody cares about, when suddenly the sky darkened and random cathedral choruses began screeching all over the city. "That's impossible!" he gasped as a familiar shadow came closer and closer to him. "You're not supposed to show up until the movie is almost over!"
Flipping his long silver tresses that have somehow not been cut off by his long ass sword, Sephiroth gave a deep chuckle. "You underestimate me, Cloud. Nothing can hold back my power." Tilting his head slightly, he then added, "Or my fangirls and the fanfiction they write about us."
"Forget I said anything," Sephiroth said hurriedly before quickly impaling Cloud on his sword. "Do you have ANY idea of how many insinuations were in that sentence?!" Sephiroth yelled at the author. "Show some tact, woman!" Turning back to Cloud, he murmured, "Now, tell me what you cherish most. Give me the pleasure of taking it away."
"…. My virginity."
The shock of that answer was enough for Sephiroth to stumble off the edge of the building and fall to his death.
"Not quite," said Loz. "I heard that they made a new version of this movie called Advent Adolescents Com--"
"No one cares about you!" shouted the entire cast, production team, and nameless others.
A/N: Well, I hope that you liked/tolerated it. Reviews are appreciated. Until next time!