A/N: I feel the need to explain myself ;) This is pure nonsense, crack!fic to be sure, as corny as Kansas in August and what not. A result of the two ridiculous and amusing songs I listened to on a drive home today, and a conglmoration and incorportaion of the choicest of cheesy lyrics.
For GeekLoveFan, to be sure, because part of my amusement was due to her, and she could use a laugh or five.
Thank you Sean Kingston and The Band Perry for the use of your songs 'Shawty Like a Melody' and 'Hip to My Heart', respectively.
Jennifer Shepard shared a grin with her fellow NCIS agent Stan Burley as she dropped her backpack onto the floor by her desk, dropping into her seat with a Cheshire cat smile on her face. Burley smirked in amusement as well, sharing a devilish look with the redhead. Chris Pacci leaned over the wall of the bullpen, grinning.
It was a common occurrence for the mighty Leroy Jethro Gibbs to fight with his wife, yet it was a rare one for his three colleagues to walk in and catch half of it as he shouted at her over the phone, and they held dear the pleasure of mocking him ceaselessly about it when they did.
He slammed his phone down with a muttered curse and glared at them all.
Jenny smiled sweetly. He narrowed his eyes, and she started in.
"Gibbs, are you having lady troubles?" she asked innocently, propping her legs up on her desk casually. Burley snorted appreciatively.
"What've you got?" he growled at her.
"Shepard, he just blew you off," Pacci pointed out solemnly.
"Hot damn, he did. You gonna let him get away with that, Jenny?"
Jenny tilted her head, pursing her lips sympathetically.
"I think we'd all feel better if you talked about it, Jethro," she coaxed with the air of an obnoxious marriage counselor. "Come now, what is it this time? You leave your tightie-whities on the floor?"
"Nah, Gibbs is a boxer's guy," Burley remarked.
Gibbs' eye twitched and he gave them all a vicious glare.
"Didn't wash the dishes for a thousand," Pacci tried, holding out his hand as if waiting for a response, as if he'd get one from the stoic silver-haired agent.
"What. Have. You. Got," Gibbs snapped pointedly, glaring at Burley instead this time.
"Well, I'd say we got a problem, Boss," Burley replied seriously.
"Yeah, what's that, Stan?" Pacci asked, playing along beautifully.
"I s'pose I could tell you, but Shepard'll do it better—go on, Red, go get 'em," Burley encouraged, smirking lopsidedly.
Jenny gave him a dangerous smirk at the nickname and frowned at Gibbs teasingly. She made a show of pretending to sympathize with him and sighed, holding up her hand and shaking her head dejectedly.
"She's not fucking him anymore," Jenny announced.
Pacci laughed. Burley gave her a gleeful look and then cowered a little at the look on Gibbs face. He glared at his young female probie. She smiled sweetly again and bit down on the tip of her nail, lifting her eyebrows naively.
Gibbs groaned inwardly, his head aching. Burley and Jen usually mixed like oil and water, but when they teamed up, he was really in for it. He was not in the mood right now.
"Is that it? Was that it, Burley?" Pacci asked, looking between them.
Burley nodded matter-of-factly.
"I trust Shepard's womanly judgment," he remarked.
"You see how good her judgment is when she's on the rag," growled Gibbs suddenly, and Jenny gave him a slightly wide-eyed, shocked look at the rather vulgar reference. There was the marine corp-pirate language they all had known was hidden in the Bear of Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
She clicked her tongue.
"She's going to kick your ass," Burley informed Gibbs solemnly.
"That wasn't very nice," Pacci said, sharing a look with Burley, delighted. It looked like it was about to turn into Shepard vs. Gibbs, and that never failed to be epic. Particularly since Shepard won most of the time.
"Gibbs, if that's how you talk to your darling wife, perhaps I understand why she's such a bitch," she remarked.
He gave her a wary, narrow look.
"Lay off Diane," he reprimanded half-heartedly.
"Awwww," cooed Burley. He shut his trap when he received a glare.
"That is precisely what I mean," Jenny said nicely. "And she's not even here to witness that chivalry, you defending her like that. It might solve all of your problems if you said nice things to her more often, you know," Jenny smiled and removed her nail from her mouth mockingly. "A little sugar goes a long way with bitches," she said pointedly.
She knew she was treading shark-infested waters, taking shots at his wife like that, but between her and him? Diane was inarguably a bitch, and that was as set in stone as Elton John's sexuality.
"What do you suggest I say to her, Jen?" growled Gibbs sarcastically.
"Hmm, well, don't call her 'Jen', there's tip number one," Jenny responded, purposefully misinterpreting his pointed pause. Pacci and Burley sniggered and she glanced at them gleefully, willing to allow them a part of the fun. "What do you think, boys?"
"Her looks blow Julia Roberts out of the water?" suggested Pacci.
"She's the best he's ever had," offered Burley.
"You bore me," Jenny remarked, coldly, glancing back at Jethro.
"Why don't you tell her…" she mused wickedly. "She's the wind in that precious boat of yours' sails?"
Gibbs grimaced at her like it physically hurt him to hear such saccharine crap. Jenny smiled prettily, gesturing as if she didn't understand what the problem was.
"Enough," he snarled, glaring at her.
Burley cupped his hands around his mouth.
"Better idea, Shepard," he said, and she turned to him, lifting a perfect brow. "She's like a melody in his head."
Jenny snickered playfully.
"She's runnin' through your head all day, like a song you can't get out," Pacci threw in with a grin.
Gibbs looked at both of them like they'd lost their minds.
"Oh, she'll just melt for you, Jethro," simpered Jenny, fanning herself girlishly. "She'll get weak at the knees and drop right to them," she said suggestively.
Burley whistled approvingly.
"You think she's the hip to his heart, Chris?" Burley asked bravely.
Pacci sucked in his breath thoughtfully.
"Hell, Diane's the cream in his coffee," he teased.
Jenny held up her hand.
"Gentlemen, quiet for the pro," she purred. "You tell Diane you like her lips like you like your coca-cola, pop and fizzle."
That really set Burley and Pacci off.
Gibbs looked at her in disbelief.
"You've got to be kidding me," he growled, all he was able to say.
She arched her eyebrow, looking into his blue eyes intently.
"Damn Shepard, where'd you come up with that?" Burley cackled.
She tapped her head primly, smirking at Gibbs while he tried to glare her down. She pursed her lips, frowning a little mockingly at him.
"No?" she asked sweetly. She gave him a thoughtful look. She sighed heavily again. "Oh, all right, I suppose that was a bit cheesy," she remarked blithely.
"Get to work," Jethro snapped at all of them, attempting to reign in the situation.
Jenny stood and perched on the edge of her desk, crossing her leg. She placed her hand on her hip.
"Jenny's not done, Gibbs," Burley informed the Boss helpfully.
"Thanks, Stan," Jenny said nicely, peering at Gibbs impishly.
"Yes, probie?" he hissed at her.
"She's the gun to your holster," Jenny offered, almost challenging him. She lifted one shoulder nonchalantly. "You know there's something so erotic about," she paused pointedly. "weapons."
He leaned forward, flattening his hands on his desk with a hard glare at her.
"If we're talkin' guns and holsters," he growled in a low voice, "wouldn't she be the holster to my gun?"
Burley's mouth dropped open. Pacci smirked, always amused when Gibbs surprised them all with out-of-nowhere sexual comedy. Maybe, just maybe, Gibbs would prove the victor this time. Jenny inclined her head appreciatively, her smile all sauce and mischief.
"I do believe that would depend on the size of your gun, Jethro."
And even in the face of Leroy Jethro Gibbs' valiant attempt, Burley and Pacci awarded the win to Jenny Shepard once again.
*sings* Shawty like a melody in my heeeeeaddddd :)