The Face I Can't Forget Outtake
Safe Sex Shopping with Alice (aka: The Prelude to the Walk of Shame)
TwiliteAddict: *Pops abruptly out of large red stocking of the fishnet variety* Surprise! It's your Belated Christmas (Hanukka, Kwanza, Festivus) gift wish come true!
RosaBella75: *Dances in wearing a sexy elf getup, minus fishnet stockings* And you need not worry if this gift is the correct size, color or even if batteries are required!
TwiliteAddict: *laughs wickedly* Oh, I've got plenty of batteries...
RosaBella75: TA, that's TMI. Anyway, we have followed through on our (ancient) promise of providing an outtake of Alice taking Bella condom shopping before her night with the winning bidder (aka: Smexy Edward).
TwiliteAddict: So take back all those nasty things you said about us, we are not damn liars, just damn slow!
RosaBella75: Enjoy some holiday cheer! We all know Alice gets into her shopping - even if it is for prophylactics.
TwiliteAddict: Prophylactic? Who lost the limb?
RosaBella75: *rolls eyes* Not a prosthetic! Prophylactic - you know, if there's gunna be affection cover your erection...
TwiliteAddict: Oh, like don't be silly wrap your willy, or don't share your sperm over your worm, or *RosaBella slaps a hand over TA's mouth*
RosaBella75: I think they get it. On with the story...
"Alice, what are we doing here?" Bella inquired of her best friend, suspecting Alice had been vague about their destination for a reason. "When you said you needed to take me somewhere to get me 'completely' ready for Saturday, I expected a Brazilian wax or something. So why are we at the corner drug store?"
"Well, we can't exactly let you jump into this unprepared, if you know what I mean, now can we?" she replied brightly, pointing up at the sign that marked the "Sexual Wellness" section of the store.
"Oh, my God! Alice! I told you, I already got a couple of… " Bella could feel the heat rising in her face. She ducked her head, glanced around to see if anyone could see them standing intimately close to the brightly colored boxes, and whispered urgently, "… condoms out of the dining hall vending machine! No way in hell am I letting some stranger anywhere near my… you know… uncovered. Two condoms should be way more than enough!"
Alice looked at Bella with a thoroughly unimpressed expression on her face, and huffed. "There is no way I, as your best friend, am letting you anywhere near this guy, with him wearing a twenty-five cent, vending-machine rubber! There's a reason why they're so cheap— they're probably from before the Bush administration. Besides, this venture could be fun!" she giggled, a sly smile shaping her face. "Think of it as educational!"
"I'm not stupid," Bella sniffed and pulled the hood of her favorite sweatshirt over her head hoping beyond hope Alice would make the lesson very short— and as covert as possible.
Like that was even possible!
"Okay, let's start with the basics," Alice proclaimed, reaching for a package of Trojan condoms. "Oooh, look at these, ultrathin… oh, wait!" She put the box back and picked up another. "Better yet, how about these, 'Bare – Next to nothing feel'? These could be good, especially if he's a hottie!" Alice's wicked grin made Bella flush even brighter, which was quite a feat, considering how extremely red she had already turned.
Enthusiastically, Alice nabbed the 'bare' package, hesitated momentarily, then grabbed the 'ultrathins' and threw them both into the large shopping basket she had hanging in the crook of her arm.
"How about these? Trojan Magnums, just in case you get lucky, er, luckier, and find an extremely well-hung stud for your first close encounter."
The thought of some freakishly large, foreign object cramming into her tiny, virginal woman-space made Bella shiver, but not with excitement, let alone any hope of an "out of this world experience. "Uuugh! Alice!" Bella screeched trying to block out the visual invading her mind.
"I guess you're right; probably better to hope for average girth for your first, but you can still hope for long and strong!" Alice continued, completely undeterred by Bella's obviously rampant mortification.
Bella groaned, realizing she was along for the ride, no matter what she said. Better to just endure and pray it got them out of there faster.
"Okay, Alice, three boxes. That should cover it. Let's go." Bella pulled on Alice's unburdened arm.
"Bella, wait. There are so many choices available. You want to make sure you have something for whatever mood you are in – safe sex can be spicy, you know. Let's see… colored… flavored… glow in the dark… lubricated…"Alice gave each box a little push on their mental prongs rattling off each brand's 'special feature', before tossing some in the basket as she went. The little boxes kept swinging like a menagerie shoot at a carnival midway.
A passing employee raised her eyebrows at Alice's purchases, but kept walking. Guess she didn't think Alice needed any assistance.
"Snuggers? Oh, how sad," she lamented. "They make condoms for small winkies." Alice held her pinkie finger and wiggled it just a bit. "Guess better safe than sorry, though." She made a pouty face and tossed the box in her basket.
"Oh, hey! Maybe some female condoms would be smart, you know, just in case he's a jerk who tries to not wear a condom." Bella rolled her eyes. "Well, it could happen, and 'double bagging' is smart in any case, right? Don't count on him showing up with his 'papers' indicating the results of a recent blood screen, Bella. But no lamb skin condoms! Those suckers are dangerous. Absolutely no protection against HIV," she mused quietly. "Not that your bidder has HIV or anything," she consoled when she saw the look of horror on Bella's face.
Alice's astute observations and education were doing nothing to alleviate Bella's fears, if anything, they were pushing them higher, and making it harder and harder to stay in the emotionally distant place she'd been able to maintain in order to go through with this screwy plan.
Yeah, screwy— screw the dumbass student so she can get her a higher education. Obviously she needs it.
Bella couldn't help but scoff at herself, and the inner revelation just reinforced her determination to go through with the plan. It was far too late to back out now, and some little part of her was still hoping for a storybook ending, or at the very least, a very fast resolution to the night so she could get on with her life and forget the whole thing.
"You know, I always like a good selection. Kinda like in 'Pretty Woman', a smorgasbord of safety!" Alice chirped pressing forward and obviously very pleased with her witty commentary. "What about 'textured'? You know 'ribbed for her pleasure.'" Alice jabbed her elbow into Bella's ribcage like they were sharing some funny inside joke. "Definitely need some of those!" She said in a low, supposedly sultry voice, and wagged her eyebrows at Bella.
Bella buried her face in her hands, and shook her head. "Just shoot me now. I'm thinking an STD might be less embarrassing that this," she muttered.
Alice kept going. "Sensis with 'quick strips' lubricated… these sound perfect for beginners. Makes sure you get it on right. I mean, what if he's even more inexperienced than you are?" Alice read the instructions on the package in an animated voice, "Just pull the tabs to unroll, then discard the tabs and enjoy!"
When Bella rolled her eyes, Alice added an educational nugget, "Seriously, did you know that seventy-eight percent of all latex condom users don't know the correct way to rip-n-roll?"
Alice moved to the next section of the vast variety of veritable wiener wrappings.
"Hey, 'Extended Pleasure', eh? I think I need some of those myself!" she quipped, tossing a box onto the growing pile in the basket. "Mmmm, 'Extasy: Fire and Ice'. That sounds like the advanced course to me! You'll probably want some of those later— maybe. Think he'll give you extra money for a second or third round?"
Bella just stared at her with hard eyes not bothering to answer. If she said anything at this point, she'd end up screaming, and that would definitely attract unwanted attention. Besides, Alice's voracious "Inner Shopper" was in full gear. There was obviously no stopping her now. Bella was just grateful the added blood flow from blushing so much was bound to be good for her skin. Even she had to snort softly to herself on that thought.
"Better get some non-latex ones too. Never know if he has an allergy to latex. Wouldn't want his penis to swell up in a totally not fun way, or worse, blister! Ugh.
"Speaking of gross, maybe we should get you some of this," she said, holding up some feminine wash. "I mean, 'Morning Paradise' sounds pretty good, right? Gotta wash that man right outta my hair," she began to sing the jingle from an ancient shampoo commercial, then stopped suddenly to add, "Ew, you did do some 'lady-scaping' down there didn't you?"
Bella pulled the strings on her hood so tightly only her nose was visible. Alice shrugged and tossed the bottle of wash into the heaping basket along with the other items.
"Though, I don't know about getting any douche. I mean, wiping out your body's natural defenses at a time like that, doesn't strike me as a good idea. Probably better to just masturbate a lot to flush the system naturally, don't you think?"
Bella noted she'd been wrong— it was possible to flush a deeper shade of red. Her whole front of her body felt like a virtual forest fire of embarrassment.
"Ooh!" Alice continued moving down the endless aisle of unmentionable products, seemingly oblivious to her friend's humiliation. "Some feminine wipes might be good, you know, for fast clean up. Just in case. Organic sounds good!" she chirped giving the package a jaunty toss to land with a distinct thud in the overflowing basket. She was really winding up now.
"I wonder if this VirMax Female Pleasure Enhancer works? You might need that. Can't hurt. Maybe I should try it for you to see if it works? Jas might just like that too. Though, I should probably call and tell him to take a nap and eat well," she laughed.
"Hmm, do you think we should try to get some Viagra? Well, on second thought, I suppose if he can't do the deed that's his problem, not yours, and he still has to pay you. We can't exactly give him a prescription without knowing his medical history, and possible drug interactions, now can we?"
Bella's jaw dropped. She pictured her suitor in a wrinkly birthday suit. It made bile rise to the back of her throat. Oh, God, please don't let him be old…
"A Today sponge. You know, that might not be a bad idea. Can't have enough layers of defense, you know. It only takes one swimmer to cross the finish line, as they say."
Sponges, lubricants (flavored and unflavored), his and hers stimulant gels, vaginal contraceptive films, pretty much one of everything on the shelves and racks, found their way into the basket. There had to be several hundred dollars' worth of products overflowing the basket. Bella couldn't help but think she was going to need a whole suitcase just for this crap alone, and never mind keeping track of what to use when!
"Don't worry, Bella. This shopping trip is on me! Ha!" Alice barked and Bella jumped. "Gold Circle Coins! Now, our selection is complete!"
As Alice began her heavily burdened trip to the checkout, Bella trailed several feet behind. Then Alice suddenly stopped in her tracks resulting in a box of some oil or lotion-looking stuff escaping out of the basket.
"A red aluminum case! Now, that's just smart and stylish. My favorite kind of item! That way you can have a few in your purse without worrying that they'll get damaged, or in your case without worrying that anyone will see what you have."
Must be some kind of magic case if it can hide all this shit! Bella thought.
She wondered if she could sneak out the doors before Alice could catch her and spare herself the humiliation of the clerk speculating about their out-of-control condom/sex/feminine product purchases. Knowing her luck, she'd trip on the welcome mat and give the speedy sprite enough time to drag her back to complete the "Pre-Walk of Shame, Walk of Shame." Couldn't they have just ordered this stuff online?
Of course the only checkout line open had a guy, and not just any guy, but Mike from her accounting class! Could her humiliation get any worse? Who was she kidding, of course it could. Most situations always did for her.
Ninety percent of the population would be able to walk into a random store and not know a soul. Only she would have to have the checkout clerk who she not only knew and would have to see every day for the rest of the quarter, but who also had been dropping hints about asking her out for weeks. Ugh!
Bella stared at the rows of candy as she stood behind Alice. She only glanced up once to see if there was any indication Mike had recognized her. He was very busy scanning all the items, but the barely contained grin on his face let her know he did, indeed, recognize her.
"Here," Alice said, holding out one of the many bags. "You carry some. Now, it would only be polite for you to thank me."
"Umm, right. Thank you," Bella stammered as they exited the store that Bella swore she'd never return to in this lifetime. "Now can we let this go?"
"Yes, I am satisfied I have done all I can to keep you safe." But just before Bella could breathe a sigh of relief, Alice chirped up, "Wait! What are you going to wear to bed that night?"
Sensing another embarrassing shopping spree through a slinky lingerie store, Bella broke out in a dead run down the sidewalk, praying, maybe just this once by some miracle…
She felt damnably strong fingers wrap around her arm, just as a tinkling laugh rang in her ears.
TwiliteAddict: *snickers* We all know Edward didn't need the "snugger" size.
RosaBella75: Nope. He definitely has the gift that keeps on giving!
TwiliteAddict: In that case, is it better to give than receive? I think not. Oh, speaking of giving, we do have one more piece of this story to give, an epilogue.
RosaBella75: How long do you think that will take us to complete?
TwiliteAddict: Probably a while because (Warning: story plug quickly approaching!) I have been working on my current story, Future Imperfect. It's got Bella and Edward and some twisted Volturi crap! I love it. Maybe our readers would too? Especially since you are my beta/pre-reader extraordinaire!
RosaBella75: True, very true. Thanks for reading this outtake to The Face I Can't Forget. Stay tuned for the Epilogue. And best wishes for health and happiness in the New Year!
TwiliteAddict: *whispers* You can give us a gift too - just press the review button!
(update: the epilogue is 50% done! Damn, Emmett and Alice are funny!)