Because I just can't get over the 100th episode.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bones. If I did, I'm pretty sure Booth and Brennan would be married with about ten children by now. Maybe more.
She loves him. Everyone knows it – their friends, their boss, his son, her dad, his grandfather, her brother. Even if you didn't know them, or never talked to them, but just saw them walking down the street, you immediately knew that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. And she plans on it. A life without him is no life at all, and she would keep him by her side until the day she died if she had anything to say about it.
Which is exactly why she tells him that, romantically, they can never be together.
It makes sense in a painful, impossible, cut-your-heart-and-watch-it-bleed sort of way. She knows that if she encourages this love that he harbors, this theory of "she's the one", it'll melt away and disappear as soon as he realizes that there's nothing special underneath all her layers, and she'll be left stripped bare and alone with nothing but a broken heart and a divorce settlement. That's not what she wants, that's not in her plan for the future.
She envisions herself in ten or twenty years sitting in the same diner, stealing his fries, and knowing that the pain she feels whenever she thinks about the wife and kids waiting for him at home is completely worth it, because at least this way she can see him every day. She's good at ignoring pain. She excelled at the art of putting feelings last and logic first many years ago, because following her emotions has only ever left her feeling empty. And she can't be empty, not again. Not when she finally found him, this beautiful man that filled the figurative hole in her heart. She won't stand there and listen to him gamble away this impossibly perfect relationship for something as foolish as feelings, because its forcing a desperate, panicky feeling into her stomach, and she can already feel herself losing her tight, desperate grasp on him.
She needs him—a constant, never changing him, to always be there for her, for better or for worse, and – dare think it – till death do them part. Because she loves him, and she knows she loves him, and she refuses to let him slip through her fingers. So she breaks his heart, and in doing so, breaks her own, and she'll watch him marry and divorce, and marry and divorce again, and she'll have him forever, because gamblers can lose everything, and scientists can only gain. And she will gain, as soon as the pain she feels begins to numb.
Because when it comes down to it, she finds she'd rather have a part of this beautiful thing that is him forever, than have all of him for a while and then have to let him go.
Excuse my wacky writing style, but I figured fragments and all that good stuff would make sense in a flow-of-consciousness, even if it's Dr. Brennan that's doing the thinking.
Flame me or love me, but please review.