A/N: I of course got inspired when I watched LOST. Its another sort of bizarre one that is away from the realm of possibility, but it was something that I couldn't pass up. I also wanted to get this out before this weeks. I gotta say, sometimes the show ruins my fics. But i love it anyway.
Summary: She let Chuck Bass touch her. She let Chuck Bass make her scream and she let Chuck Bass gaze at her with those eyes that made her squirm. She let Chuck Bass love her.
Disclaimer: All belongs to GG and quotes belong to LOST.
Have you ever been in love?
Thousands of times.
That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about spectacular, conscience altering love. Do you know what that looks like?
-Happily Ever After
It was as simple as that. She had felt it. She had seen it. She had lived it. She had lived something that she never thought possible. Something that was not even comprehensible. Because when Blair Waldorf looked at Chuck Bass, her very conscience was altered. She felt searing emotions that she never even considered. Passion that she never took into account when she imagined her fairytale wedding with Nathaniel Archibald.
And it ripped her heart out.
Because she let Chuck Bass touch her. She let Chuck Bass make her scream and she let Chuck Bass gaze at her with those eyes that made her squirm. She let Chuck Bass love her.
That was her one fatal mistake. Because if she had never done that, she would never be here. She never would have let him sneer at her emotions and rip her heart lethally from her chest without remorse. Because that was what hurt most of all. That he didn't know this was what would break them.
She wanted to think that he was evil. He was wrong and horrid and he broke her heart. All she did was love him and he threw her words back in her face.
It hurt because she still loved him no matter what. And every day, she died just a little bit more inside. Because it hurt to know that he still loved her with equal vigor as well.
So she did something. In a split second decision, she did something she shouldn't have. She chose to forget about him. To save them both from the heartache and pain they would cause each other, she chose to forget him.
Like it would have been if they never even met.
I've seen it. On the place to Sydney.
I was on the same flight, so maybe I saw her too.
Trust me. You didn't.
Chuck Bass never felt the dull throb of an ache that never went away. He never felt the physical ramifications of a broken heart. He had never fallen in love.
This never bothered him at first.
It wasn't anything he dwelled on. With a dead father six feet under and more money than he could burn, he couldn't fathom anything he could want more.
And it was in these rich bathrooms of hotels that didn't matter, much less have him remember their names, did he do the dirtiest of drugs and the most sterile of whores. Because when you couldn't remember if you had a family or not, what was really the difference?
Today was a day unlike any other day. He lived his empty life because he was told to. His disgusting uncle would check in on him to see when he would give up his fortune and Chuck couldn't care less. He had no ambition. He had no heart. He lived an empty existence and he knew it. There really was no point to living at all.
And this was the way things were supposed to be. Because... there really could be no other way, could there? What would be better than this empty existence of drugs, booze, women. There was nothing else. Even if his life had no meaning.
So as Chuck crushed the Vicodin on the counter of the bathroom at The Empress (wait, Empire? what was it called again?) and inhaled through his nostrils, he didn't care. He just didn't care because if something happened to him, no one else would either.
Chuck stared in self loathing at his reflection before he realized something was horribly wrong. His face was becoming distorted and he became short of breath. He reached out to clutch the counter, feeling his body seize. And in an instant, his body hit the floor.
His unfeeling eyes gazed at the ceiling of the overpriced hotel and Chuck suddenly remembered what the name of it was. The abyss of darkness loomed and he knew it was the end. For a moment, he just didn't care. He didn't care. He didn't care about his life or the people who wouldn't miss him.
He closed his eyes and let it take him.
And then suddenly he cared. He cared, because he saw something that he had never seen in his life. And in an instant, he knew he was never letting go.
Because there she was. He had never seen her before. He didn't know her name. But there she was. The sinking feeling of his imminent death was at a standstill as out of the darkness, he saw the light of something that wasn't light at all.
Dark hair spilled across her shoulders as she turned her head towards him. Her scowl was the most precious thing he had ever seen as she spat venom at him. Then her nose wrinkled and for some reason, he knew it was a front. Because then she was laughing. Her porcelain skin seemed to glow in the sunlight while infectious laughter spilled from her very real and very red lips. Laughter that she made seem that was a secret. Laughter at something... lecherous.
She was the most beautiful thing he had even seen in his life. And he had paid for some beautiful things. Diamonds sparkled on her neck and her voice was even more glorious than he imagined.
She said his name and everything was alright.
I do believe all the years of your underage boozing and womanizing have paid of. Truly, Chuck Bass, I am proud.
And he knew her. He just knew it. Her scent engulfed him as satin slid down her skin with familiar leather that he could somehow remember.
And she said it.
I love you so much it consumes me.
It was something that the had never heard in his life but he knew it. That was it. This feeling. This warmth and security and... excitement spreading in his chest. This beautiful goddess of a woman loved him and though he had never met her and though he didn't even know her, he loved her back with equal fervor. And it would always be that way.
It would happen. Because the second his life had any semblance of meaning, she vanished. Gone were that smile and those curls and those legs.
This blessing was ripped from his heart and although he didn't understand it he heard a vague "are you alright" and anger coursed through his body. Anger and psychical heartache like he had never felt that this perfect beauty had been torn from him.
He didn't understand this deja vu but as he looked into his uncle's eyes behind the hotel's physician, he knew it was all his fault. He knew he hated his uncle. And he knew something had gone terribly wrong.
He stood on unsteady legs.
"For a minute there, we thought you were gone," Jack said in a mocking voice. And Chuck hated him. More than he had hated anything in his life and without provocation, Chuck Bass hated his uncle. And that was the truth.
Without even a second's glance back, Chuck walked out of a hotel that he didn't remember buying, letting it wash over him. He let this truth come to him. He didn't know what it was, but he knew it was there. He knew something was there that was missing from him. Like he was missing a limb. Like his own torso wasn't even connected to him and he hadn't even noticed it.
But he knew now. He knew the truth.
And the truth was her.
Chuck fumbled through his stock. All of his alcohol bottles were empty and he couldn't figure it. He leaned back in his silk paisley robe as he considered this for a moment. He heard the door close and his darling sister and so called best friend walked in.
"Is he still like this?" Serena asked uncertainly. Nate didn't answer but he knew what it would have been anyway.
"I think you should drink this," Nate said, holding out what Chuck could only assume was coffee. Without even considering it, he took his flask and dumped the contents in and knocked it back, to an eye roll of his best friend.
"Don't worry," Chuck replied. "There's an entire bar downstairs."
He didn't know what he was looking for but he was sure the emptying of his stash was a sign. He wasn't going to find her at the bottom of these bottles. But it was a start. Because if he saw her once he was going to see her again.
But the truth was, Chuck just pitied the life that his family had. They thought this was it. But he knew something wasn't right. Because something couldn't be right in an existence that was this depressing. He thought he was so fulfilled. He never once thought about falling in love. He didn't care about women or what they thought with the exception of his sisters and mother. He just didn't care.
But the way those onyx eyes full of emotion and fire looked at him the way no one had ever look at him in his life made him feel something. And he needed to pursue that. He needed to pursue her. He felt this relentless need to chase her like nothing he had ever felt in his life. Like he had done it before. And he was going to follow that instinct.
Under the front of inhaling a pint of powder, Chuck had an epiphany. He was the last person to have felt this way, but he did. He knew this woman. And he loved her. All that he had to do now was meet her. She would make everything make sense.
Chuck had never driven a car a day in his life. He had drivers for that. Lily wouldn't even let Serena learn. But in all honesty, Chuck believed it to be beneath him. He never would have imagined to be sitting behind the wheel but with a steady hand, he started the ignition and started to coast down the streets of Manhattan.
It was only at the turn of the wheel did Chuck realize exactly why he had driven into the Hudson. Water flooded through where the windshield used to be but he didn't make a move to remove his seatbelt. He just sat at the chilling water as though it were the right thing to do.
Because he knew what he was doing. He wanted to have another epiphany. He wanted to see her again. So he sat there an closed his eyes. She was so euphoric that she was close to death. And so he would have to be close to death again too.
And she came to him.
So whatever you're going to do, do it to yourself. Please don't do that to me.
He hated to see such beauty marred by tears flooding her eyes. Her face was flushed with the January wind and he wondered vaguely why the angle she was standing at seemed to be so beneath him. And with that painful sorrow in her eyes Chuck knew immediately that without her, he would be dead.
His eyes snapped open as water began to fill his lungs. With the image of her imprinted in his mind, he fumbled for his seatbelt and broke the surface of the water, gasping for air. Because if he died, maybe she would die too. And he would never do that to her. Like she asked of him.
He felt his resistent body being pulled from the undulating waters. She was there. In front of his eyes again in flashes that he couldn't shake and that just didn't make sense. Flashes of the way he used to look. Short cropped hair. He was young. Far too young to be feeling these feelings but a seventeen year old body was being pressed against his sixteen year old one.
Lips intermingled with intensity as pale legs of a girl he knew he loved were thrown over his own in the back of a limo he knew was his.
And she said his name again.
Darkness engulfed them both as his seventeen her old fingers pressed passionately against a yellow Grecian style dress as she gripped his tie. And he felt it. He felt it as they hooked him up to an IV and he felt it as he felt that he couldn't stay in this hospital. He just couldn't. Because she existed. And she wasn't with him.
She wasn't with him and something deep within his gut told him that was just wrong. It was all wrong. He saw them together. He saw red painted fingernails grip his eighteen year old face after she cast out some blonde model that didn't matter at all. He saw fire in her eyes that matched his own and he knew the very fact that she wasn't by his side was completely wrong.
It was all wrong.
"Sir, where are you going?"
Chuck cast a dubious look at the nurse as he tried looking for his clothing.
"Out," he said simply as if this was his own house and he could go as he pleased. The nurse looked tense until Nate walked into the room. She must have assumed Nate could handle it. Obviously not.
"So," Nate said. "You trying to kill yourself in one day wasn't enough?"
"I wasn't trying to kill myself," Chuck rolled his eyes, pulling on his clothing.
"You drove into the Hudson River," Nate reminded him.
"I needed to see her again," Chuck said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Do you hear how insane that sounds?" Nate asked, astounded.
"So what?" Chuck asked. "What if it's not? What if what's really insane is that you're so complacent with your own petty life."
"You love this life," Nate said. "Come on. We have to go to the gala."
"You think I'm going to go to some society event after this?" Chuck asked. "No."
"It's honoring your father."
"My dead father who doesn't have a care anymore," Chuck reminded him. "He's dead."
Nate looked incredulously at him.
"What makes you think this is so important?" Chuck asked. "None of this matters. It's all trivial."
"What makes you say that?"
"Because," Chuck said. "I've seen the truth. I've felt something. Good luck trying to stop me."
And he knew someone like Nathaniel couldn't understand that as he shirked past him.
"Do you believe in love at first sight?"
Chuck looked skeptically at Eric as they sat together. Eric was the only one who didn't think Chuck was suicidal. Probably because Eric was the only one who had actually tried it.
"Is that what you think is happening?" Chuck replied.
"You haven't told Nate or Serena about her," Eric assumed. "Like you've met her before."
Like I've loved her before.
"What would I say?" Chuck asked. "No one takes me seriously as it is."
"I know you're not suicidal," Eric affirmed. "But what is it that you think you're doing?"
"I don't know," Chuck answered. "I've never even met her in my life."
"Do you ever wonder what if this wasn't our life?" Eric asked.
"I didn't think you were going to get philosophical," Chuck muttered.
"Maybe this isn't the way things are supposed to be," Eric said. "Maybe what you saw weren't hallucinations."
"And what were they?" Chuck asked, but he already knew.
"I never knew being under suicide watch would be so boring," Chuck finally said.
"Lifestyle of the rich and the famous," Eric replied. "Whatever it is that you think you need to do... you need to do it."
"Maybe I'm not ready," Chuck said.
"Maybe this is my life because that's all I'm meant for."
"If that were the truth," Eric said, "then you wouldn't have sunk to the bottom of the Hudson."
And Chuck knew he was ready to be with her.
Chuck always liked roofs. There was something about the simplicity and the power of watching over an entire city. Misconceptions happened all the time which was why he was leaning over the edge of the roof, trying to get a better look.
"Are you trying to be an idiot?"
And he knew that voice as he turned, knowing what awaited him. There she stood, beauty and perfection molded into something he couldn't name. It wasn't just an idea but something so much more.
"Hey," Chuck said, unsure of how to respond to that. The brunette girl crossed her arms over her chest, as though affronted by his actions.
"Hi," she said back in a mocking way. If any other woman ever spoke to him in such a manner... well, it would never happen. But he felt that familiarity again as though such audacity in her was a comfort. "Are you trying to kill yourself?"
"As luck would have it, no," Chuck replied easily as though the response was just waiting for him in the back of his head.
"Well, good," she said uncomfortably and Chuck knew for certain it was her.
"Worried about me?" he teased and something flickered in her pretty eyes that he was sure he had seen before. She looked unsure of herself.
"No," she said hastily and he smirked. She smirked back at him for some reason. "I just don't want the publicity of some idiotic guy offing himself on my roof."
"On your roof?" Chuck stressed. "This is the Waldorf Penthouse."
She nodded her head slowly as though alluding to something very obvious. And it struck him. He suddenly felt as though he knew exactly who she was. He took confident steps towards her and she eyed him like he was insane. He held out his hand.
"I'm Chuck Bass."
She rolled her eyes. "Of course you are," she replied, ignoring his hand. No other woman would have even tried to pull that.
"You've heard of me," Chuck said, a strange and nauseous feeling stirring in his stomach that he couldn't place, lowering his hand with another bout of deja vu. He was sure he didn't have food poisoning.
"Obviously," she sighed. "And you've heard of me."
"Is that so?" he asked.
"My name is Blair Waldorf," she annunciated, "and you're almost killing yourself on my roof."
The name made him want to close his eyes and soak her in. Maybe more images of things that had never happened and feelings he had never experienced would course through his veins. But Blair was a sound meant for beauty.
"I told you," he replied, getting his wind back, "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was... trying to see something."
"Well, what?" Blair asked in annoyance and Chuck wondered it would feel like to have her name on his tongue.
"I think I just found it," he murmured. She rolled those gorgeous eyes of hers again and he was hit with a force he couldn't name.
"Nice pick up line."
"It's not," Chuck said instantly. "This is a pick up line: You look ravishing, I wouldn't need clues to find you."
He stopped short, unsure of what just happened. She was looking at him curiously.
"Have we met before?" she asked seriously.
"I definitely would have remembered meeting a woman like you."
"You don't even know me," Blair said.
"I do," Chuck said and he knew she felt the same way.
"Um," Blair said, looking around. "Alright."
She started to turn before he felt the need to pull her in close. He couldn't lose her again.
Chuck wasn't sure, but he knew it was the truth.
"Blair," he said, relieved that he had finally said her name.
"Chuck," she said, turning to face him. And they fell into alignment like they were meant to all along.
"Come out with me," he said impulsively.
"Come out with you?" she asked skeptically. "I just met you."
"What if you didn't?" he asked.
She paused. "I don't usually do this sort of thing."
"Go out with a man you just met?" Chuck asked.
"Fall in love with one," she replied. Immediately, she looked embarrassed.
"I know," he answered and fell into step with her. "If I break your heart, it will be the worst mistake of my life."
She turned and eyed him seriously again. "I think I would have to forgive you even if you did."
"Really?" he asked in surprise.
"Really," she responded, seeming surprised at her own words as well.
"Are you trying to be an idiot?"
Charles Bartholomew Bass found himself staring into a mirror at The Empire, the hotel he had lost everything for, when he heard the shrill voice.
He looked at the counter and saw pills spilled all over it as she pulled him away, whirling him to face her. He stared into the real and frightened eyes of his (former) lover and wished desperately he could kiss her again.
"Blair," he responded to the girl he had known all of his life. "You're here."
"You didn't answer my question, Bass," she snapped emotionally. "Are you trying to kill yourself?"
Chuck looked back at the counter, unsure of where he was or how he got there. He looked back into eyes that he could never forget.
"You're supposed to be hating me right now," Chuck murmured to himself, unsure of where his self had gone and what beauties and atrocities he had seen there.
"And you're not supposed to be pumping your system full of narcotics," she said angrily. He turned back to her to watch her turn her own back on him, her hands shaking perceptibly.
"I wish I hadn't broken your heart," he announced.
She turned livid eyes back on him that somehow seemed strangely soft.
"It's a little late for that," she replied acidly. But she paused before she spoke again, her voice having softened perceptibly. "But I think I've already forgiven you."
"Is that so?" Chuck asked. "You're back here."
"I did something stupid," she finally said. They were closer than they had been since a fateful night when her hand had made contact with the side of his face and he remained just as broken as she had.
His heart had broken when he was sure that she would never return to him again, no matter what his efforts.
"Nothing as foolish as I," he said softly.
"Worse," she answered. "I tried to forget you."
"Did it work?" Chuck asked, hoping she would answer the way the script in his head dictated. She took confident steps towards him.
"You bastard," she said. "Of course it didn't."
And then I see... her.
A woman. Blonde. Rapturously beautiful. And I know her. We're together. It's like we've always been and always will be. This feeling, this... Love. And just as I'm about to be engulfed by it-- I open my eyes. And this sodding idiot is standing there, asking me if I'm okay. But I saw it. Just for a moment, I saw what it looked like.