*(dodges rotten foodstuffs)* OK, I know I should be writing ANYTHING but stupid one-shots, or drabble collections as this happens to be, but I'm sorry, I can't seem to bring myself to write on any of my uncompleted fics. I'm sorry. *(dodges more rotten foodstuffs)* This is a collection of drabbles that vary in length, from two lines to a whole page. As you all know, I don't own Hellsing. ON WITH THE STORY!!!!! *(gets hit with rotten foodstuffs)* I SAW YOU!

1) Chalk

"Police Girl," Alucard drawled, walking up behind his fledgling who was laying on the driveway. "What are you doing?"

"Having fun." was her simple reply.

Alucard's grin widened into the most mischievous way imaginable. "Oh I can think of a few ways to have fun, but they don't involve you laying on the driveway." He paused, and thought about his statement. "Well, I guess we could do it on the driveway, but you'd be terribly uncomfortable though."

He smirked in delight as Seras's blood (which refused to become anything but virgin, no matter how hard they tried to change that) rose, and stained her neck, ears, and, from what he could see, cheeks. "And just how do you know I'll be on bottom?" she managed, barely. Alucard simply rolled his eyes and loomed over Seras. He found out what she was doing.

"Wanna play Master?"

"… … … If you tell anyone, you're dead."

She had drawn a hopscotch court.

2) Brand

"Master, oh-OH, what are you doing?" Seras panted.

"Marking what's mine," Alucard growled possessively as he sank his fangs into her neck.

3) Release

Seras had only seen her Master at full power once, consciously at least, because he said it let the voices in his head have more control. But she cherished that moment above all others.

Seras was laying there in a pool of her own blood when Alucard found her.

"Master," she rasped, as she reached her arm up to him, like that fateful night in Cheddar, and like that first night, he gently took her tiny hand and encompassed it with his significantly larger one.

"Who did this?" he growled, more to himself than his fledgling, a fact she quickly picked up.

"That b*tch isn't dead yet?" a loud voice called behind them. Alucard quickly stood and spun around, his teeth bared in the most threatening way vampiricly possible. "You!" the attacker hissed, obviously knowing who his new enemy was.

Alucard ignored the recognition. "Releasing control art levels to level one," Alucard growled. "Situation A, Cromwell approval is now in effect."

He had let the voices in his head take control, he didn't play with his food, and he didn't taunt her on the way back to the mansion (not that there was time, they were home before the faker was completely turned to dust), and he didn't even have to do it. Seras was a strong Draculina, she could take care of herself. But he-

"Seras," Alucard said blearily from her side, "could you please quit reminiscing? It's noon, and you keep waking me up."

"Kay," Seras smiled, as she curled up to his side. Alucard quickly placed a kiss on her forehead and they were both off in dreamland.

4) Bush

"Alucard, what are you doing behind there?" Integra barked. As she had been taking her "nightly" coughyearightcough stroll through the grounds she had seen Alucard's trench coat draped over one of the larger azaleas. Expecting her pet to stick his head out and say some witty comment, she was surprised when Seras's very flushed face peered out at her. Seras squealed and dove back into her hiding spot.

"I told you this was a bad spot," came her hissed rebuttal.

Integra stepped back, slightly horrified at what she found. I'll have to get Walter to replace that now she thought shuddering.

Oh, but Master, I like this plant, so many memories was all Alucard had to say.

5) Irony

"Seras, I've been conversing with my master, and she had some questions I need to ask you."


"What's your favorite book?"

"Bram Stoker's Dracula."

"And your favorite character?"

"Mina, or Van Helsing."

"And least?"


"Wonderful ego boost Police Girl."

6) Blow

"Master, you know you don't have to do that, right?"

"Be quiet. You know you like it."


"Speechless are we?"

"Oh you shut up."

"Hmmm… You gonna make me Police Girl?"


"Aw isn't that cute, I made the Police Girl blush."

"Oh just keep doing what your doing."

"If you insist."


"Hmmm like that do you Police Girl?"

"Mmmm… oh yes Master, I do indeed."

Walter straightened where he stood outside the resident vampires' room; he had heard enough.

Inside Seras and Alucard were gathered around Pip who was laying on the floor a balloon taped to his mouth.

"Would you like a turn?" Alucard asked in what he was sure was an innocent tone.

"No thank you, Master," Seras said stiffly. "If Integra catches us I want to be able to say I didn't have any part of this." Alucard nearly shrugged, and quickly pressed on Pip's stomach, which caused him to exhale just as quickly, which in turn caused the balloon taped to his mouth to also quickly inflate.

"Oooh! I think that was the largest it's gotten yet!"

7) Threat

"Police Girl, if you don't drink your blood I'll-"

"You'll what exactly?"

Alucard's mouth gaped open for a moment, before he snapped it closed with a smirk. "Oh, I can think of a couple things I could take, or abstain from giving you shall we say?"

"… You wouldn't. That would punish you too."

"Police Girl, I went without it for over 100 years, I can manage."

"… Fine."

8) Marriage

"Master how do you feel about matrimonial vows?" Seras asked.

"I think it's a silly human tradition, that is unnecessary to higher beings such as ourselves," Alucard replied not looking up from his book.

"Oh," Seras said as she laid her head in her master's lap.

"Why do you ask?" He began petting her hair.

"Oh, no- OH right there!" Seras purred the last part, much to Alucard's obvious delight. "No reason really."


"What? There really isn't a reason!"


"Fine, I'm scared to all right? I'm too young to be making such a big commitment!"

"You're 56 years old."

"So? I haven't matured beyond that of a 19 year old."

"Well, then I guess you were rather happy with my answer then."


"Good, because you aren't getting another one."

9) Postage

"Master, come on!"

"Why are we going to the post office, again?"

"I need stamps!"

"You don't send letters."

Seras turned to face her Master, a bright cherry blush creeping up her neck. "You know perfectly well why I want stamps."

"Ah, so you admit you don't need stamps. So you're wasting your money to fuel this little philately obsession of yours?"

"… … … I'm not wasting my money."

10) Identity

People say that finding yourself is hard. Well, it's nothing compared to finding yourself in a crowded room full of thousands of people telling you they are you. Unless of course you kill them all. So, that's what Alucard did. For thirty years he slashed and hacked through the thick crowd of people killing each one without the slightest glimmer of remorse. Until he got to the last one.

While he was first stuck in his head, Alucard was surrounded by people. The people he assumed believed that he was coming back. That first year he had about fifteen people that wavered every now and then, giving him more followers or less. Out of those only two were constant. Integra, and Police Girl. After five years, he was lucky to have ten at once. Every now and then Integra would look off, showing the first barely noticeable signs of doubt. Ten years later, his only companions were Integra and Seras, with an occasional stray hopping aboard. Fifteen he saw on one but Seras, and Integra. Twenty Integra disappeared for a couple of days every now and then. Seras never left.


"Master, where is everyone?"

"They quit believing I'd come home," Alucard said sitting down at the campfire Seras had insisted they make ever since that first night. Seras came over and curled into his side.

"I know you're coming back Master."

"And just how do you know that?"

"I won't leave you by yourself."

"You say that now."

"I promise I won't leave."

And she didn't.

11) Downpour

Alucard watched his fledgling with mixed feelings as she stood outside in the middle of the hardest thunderstorm of the year. On one hand he most definitely enjoyed the view of the curvy Draculina getting drenched, but on the other her playing meant she was still very human. So immersed was de in his wonderings, Alucard didn't notice when Seras phased into the room behind him.

"Master, will you come play with me?"

Alucard turned at the sound of her breathless voice, and what he saw quite pleased him. Seras was standing before him shivering in her favorite white blouse, her cheeks flushed about as far as any vampire could go, and her hair dripping about her wide blue eyes, which looked like an innocent virginal goddess. Alucard quickly ceased his previous thoughts on Seras's distasteful human habit. He quite liked the rain.

12) Alley

As a human Seras had always hated them. They were dark and creepy and hid things that deserved to be hidden. She had never been down one with Alucard.

"Oh, Master, can we please not go that way?" Seras begged, tugging on Alucard's sleeve.

"Nonsense, this way is much faster."

"Can't we fly?"

"Integra restricted my powers too much to fly carrying you."


"Be quiet!" Alucard grabbed her hand and roughly pulled her into the backstreet. Nothing bothered them, and Seras was no longer scared.

13) Pout

It was death for anyone she was mad at. It was pure bliss for those in her favor. It was what it was. In other words, it was anything she wanted it to be and for whom.

"Master, cane I have a puppy?" Seras asked.


Seras scowled at being shot down, but didn't let it stop her. She widened her clear eyes to an impossible roundness, and stuck her bottom lip out slightly. For the final effect, she glazed her now innocent blue eyes with tears, excess pooling in the corners. "Please?"

Alucard turned at the one tone of voice he couldn't ignore, no matter how much he wanted to. An hour and a half later Seras was happily sitting in her coffin giggling madly as she tried to keep her new dachshund puppy from licking her face.

14) Stun

She had the ability to stupefy anyone alive. Male, female, strait or a homosexual, it didn't matter. All she had to do was beam at the person and turn away with a swish of her hips and he stood there, mouth gaping open, for several minutes. This meant she had her picking of any male on the planet. Yet she chose the one that would jump on her and ravish her should she choose to swing her hips in such a sinfully tantalizing way in front of him.

And she did.


15) Titmouse

"Oh, Master, don't you just love those little birds?"

"No, they annoy me."

"Master, everything annoys you."

"Then why did you bother to ask?"

Again, sorry for the horrible non- Surprises/ Partners? this is, but do you think you can find it within your hearts to review? It might convince my plotbunnies of how utterly amazing you are, and make them write the stories you guys read.