There's a Danger in Loving Somebody Too Much
Summary: "There's a reason why people don't stay where they are...Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough."
Disclaimer: I don't own Bones. Title belongs to the marvelous Don Henley.
Spoilers: Through 5x16
A/N: So I loved 5x16. Loved it in a way I haven't loved a show, any show, in a really really long time. But I think we're all suffering from a little secondary post traumatic stress disorder, which is why we are all furiously churning out tags, one-shots, future fics, etc. We're all trying to process our feeling using the age-old therapeutic tool of writing. I wrote this for me, at least at first. It's my first Bones Fic. I needed to get it out—the emotions that the episode left behind. It started as an angst piece, but I found myself unwilling to leave it there. I needed to see it through. I needed to find the light at the end of the tunnel, which I have complete confidence the writers will give us…eventually. While I believe this is in character, it is not how it will work out on the show for obvious reasons as you will see, but I think it works in the world of fan fic. Also important to note that I switch POVs often and within the same scene. It's intentional and hopefully not too confusing. I also purposefully broke a couple rules of English grammar. I LOVE fragments. I think Booth and Bones are only thinking in fragments when they get emotional. Enough rambling, if you're not ready for closure, only read Chapter 1. Otherwise, I offer up a little peace at the end.
Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough
"I'm not deserting you. You get that, right?"
She gives a sharp nod. Not trusting the words that are lodged in her throat. The dam was starting to break. She just needs to get through this then it will be done. Once and for all.
He doesn't believe her; she can see it in his eyes. And maybe he's right.
She can't hold back the hint of bitterness that slips out as she forces herself to tell him what he needs to hear to finally leave.
"I'll be fine. I've survived worse and it's for the best. You need to be able to establish the sort of life you've always dreamed about." Too late she realizes what she's said.
They both flinch as they recall his coma dream—both knowing it didn't end this way.
He looks out at the city—their city. "I just…want to have it all. And I can't…not here. It's time to let you go."
The tears were back in his eyes, and hers shut briefly trying to block out the sight of this broken man shattering before her.
In the end, she has done exactly what she had wanted to avoid. And she will never forgive herself.
"I wish—," she pulls in a fortifying breath. She owes him the truth. "I wish I could be the one. I wish I was brave enough to risk it...to risk you. I wish I knew how."
He sighs, every shattered dream seeping out on the sound. It has been ten months. He has hoped for ten months. Waited for ten months. Prayed for ten months. But it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. He couldn't mend her broken heart, and he couldn't mend his own. It was time. Sometimes love just isn't enough.
"I don't think I'll be able to talk with you for a while. I just need…some time and distance."
She felt the tears start to break loose and run down her cheeks. She was expecting this request, but it still ripped the last remaining shred of hope that had clung to her heart. The belief that he would remain her constant.
He had slowly let her go over the last ten months. She had barely noticed at first, so wrapped up in her own pain, compartmentalizing and planning an escape, until one cold day she realized he had stopped touching her. No guy hugs, no hand at the small of her back, no shoulder nudge on the platform—nothing. And then other things started to disappear—late night Thai, weekend outings, midnight phone calls, milkshakes, Parker—all…gone.
She felt the pain clawing at her throat, the dam was breaking. They needed to end this.
Using every drop of strength she had left, she placed her palm on his forearm, and gave him back his heart.
"Please find her. I need you to find her and marry her and have babies and grow old with her for 30 or 40 or 50 years. I need you to find that."
He didn't think he had any anger left, but in a flash he had her by the upper arms. "Don't! Don't even... Please, just…stop."
For one horrifying moment they both thought he might break down. Instead, he laid his forehead against hers, gulping in a deep breath as he tried to sear her scent into his soul.
He hated her. In that moment, he hated her for not taking the leap. For not trusting him, them. He had to leave. He just loved her too damn much.
"I'll text you when I get there safely."
He couldn't look at her until he had climbed into the waiting cab. He turned one last time to look out the back window, unknowingly mimicking that first fateful night so long ago. He couldn't wave, but he said goodbye to her with his eyes. It was all he could offer.
She thought it was going to be a relief to finally let him go. To know she sacrificed her happiness so that he might find his. But instead, in a blinding moment of clarity, she realized this pain was never going to ease. This was her new normal. And she deserved it.