-1A-Z of how James and Sirius can come out of the closet.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, I am not making any money from this.

I thought these little scenes were funny. I'm not too sure on the definition of Zugzwang though… But it was a HILARIOUS word, so I couldn't resist. Please enjoy!

A - Accident

James still claims that it was an accident. Sirius is still a little loath to agree.

He could admit, falling over was probably an accident. Really, Sirius falling head first for James had been an accident, so yeah, falling could be an accident. It was the straddling him, pinning his hands above his head and kissing him senseless in front of an entire Great Hall of students that he finds a little too non-accidental. Still, he finds it funny, that given a few more years, James might actually convince him it was an accident.

B - Bed

Remus walked into the 6th year boys dormitory, not really paying attention, to find himself with a full frontal view of a very naked Sirius in James' bed. He stopped, then turned around while Sirius dragged the covers over himself.

"Hey Sirius, are you re…" James trailed off, having come out of the shower room, into the dorm, to see his two friends blushing like mad. Remus staring at the door way, and not at Sirius or James, who were both very naked.

"Erm… guess this means you know."

Remus nodded stiffly, walking out the room.

"Use silencing charms." were his parting words.

C - Closet

"Moony, where are James and Sirius?" Asked Pete.

"In the closet." Replied Remus.

"When are they coming out?" Asked Pete.

"Dammit Sirius! I will not let you fuck me in a closet!"

"Oh, I'd say about now." Replied Remus.

D - Dancing

"James?" Asked Sirius, leaning over the table, watching all the other couples dance.

"What?" Asked James, flipping to the next page of his book.

"Dance with me?"

"Do you want everyone to know we're gay?"


James looked up into Sirius puppy eyes, then followed Sirius to the dance floor.

E - Expedition

"Moony? What's a clever word for 'date'? Like, would you like to go on a date with me?" Asked Sirius.

"Expedition? Meaning a short journey for pleasurable purposes?" Replied The Human Dictionary.

"Right, James, would you like to go on an expedition with me?"

"Moony, what's a clever word for 'yes'? Like, yes, I'd love to Sirius."

F - Flowers

James was a little concerned when he started getting imps delivering flowers to his lessons. He put up with the flowers from his 'mysterious admirer', until Sirius got up in front of the whole of the Great Hall and said -

"James, are you ever going to respond to the flowers I keep sending you?"

G - Girls

Sirius liked girls. He thought they looked nice. He thought they usually smelt nice. He thought they were clever, sometimes. And he thought they sounded pretty. But they weren't James. So when one shy little 4th year asked if he would consider going to Hogsmead with her, he had to decline.

"I'm sorry." He said, "But I'm rather in love with James Potter."

The best thing about girls, he decided, as he walked down Hogsmead street with James, was that they could gossip.

H - Howler

James stared, horrified, at the red envelope. Who had he pissed off so much to deserve a Howler? His pranks hadn't been so bad yet that Dumbledore had sent a letter home, so he was sure it wasn't his mother…

The letter burst open and turned into a mouth, snake-like tongue protruding. James could only imagine the horrors to come. In front of everyone in the Great Hall as well!

"JAMES POTTER!" Screamed Sirius voice, to which James turned to glare heatedly at his friend. "I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU DO ME THE GREAT HONOR OF RETURNING THAT LOVE?"

And with that, the Howler burst into flames and disappeared. James glared at Sirius while the rest of the hall laughed heartily. The next day at breakfast, Sirius received a Howler, which simply said; 'yes'.

I - Imagination

It was James' idea, to charm Remus and Pete before they slept, to make them have dreams in which Sirius and James came out of the closet to them. It meant they didn't have to do it themselves - they could leave it up to their dream-selves. Of course, it was rather funny to watch their friends stumble around in the morning trying to figure out exactly why they'd had a dream in which Sirius and James told them they were gay for each other. Until Remus told everyone what he'd dreamt, and Pete said he'd had exactly the same dream, and the two of them had figured out the message James and Sirius were trying to send them. James and Sirius just grinned sheepishly in the corner, holding hands.

J - Joke

The marauders made their way down the charms corridor, laughing and joking, when James turned round and said:

"I'm absolutely in love with you Sirius Black."

"That's nice Jamie, I love you too."

"I'm not joking."

"Neither am I."

"I'm Serious."

"No you're not. I am."

James rolled his eyes and leant forward to give Sirius and serious kiss.

K - Kings Cross

"Sirius Black, if you get on that train and leave me, I will never forgive you."

Sirius stopped, his trunk was already on the train, ready to be departed. James, Remus and Pete had come to see him off. Dumbledore didn't expel him completely after the incident with Snape, but he had been temporarily excluded. James wasn't too happy with the arrangement.

"I've got to, I'll see you at the end of the year. I'll come to Kings Cross to meet you. I swear. And I'll be back next year!" He tried to reason. James shook his head and watched as Sirius boarded the train.

At the end of the year, James walked off the Hogwarts express in Kings Cross and spotted Sirius waiting for him on Platform 9 and ¾'s. He discarded his trunk and ran to him just like a scene out of a cheesy Muggle movie; leaping into his arms.

"Am I forgiven?" Asked Sirius.

"Not in a million years." replied James, kissing him thoroughly, despite the stares he was receiving from passers. "I missed you."

L - Lemons

James handled the lemon that came with his breakfast with curiosity. He turned it over in his hands and made faces at it, and eventually Remus was forced to ask what, exactly, he was doing.

"Do you know, some Muggles use 'lemon' as a euphemism for sex?" he asked the group at large. Remus, Pete and Lily all made faces which showed what they thought of the subject, and Sirius said.

"Hmm… can I have some of your lemon?"

M - Magazine

Remus had found a magazine under James' bed. Remus wasn't even sure why he'd been under James' bed in the first place, but what he'd found there, was a magazine. It wasn't just any magazine either. It was a magazine he would not have expected James to have. It was a magazine filled with pictures of topless men. Yes. Definitely not something he would have expected James to have.

"Wow! Moony! You're gay too?" asked Sirius, coming into the room and spotting the magazine. Remus stood up and dropped the magazine on the bed, like it had suddenly burst into flames.

"No!" he protested. "It's James'…" he added. Sirius swore.

"That bastard. Is my body not good enough for him?"

Remus decided he would let the situation alone, and put the magazine back under James' bed.

N - Nocturnal

Pete was nocturnal, he decided, laying in bed, unable to get to sleep. It was then he heard the rustling of sheets, and he watched as Sirius crossed the room and slipped into James' bed.

"What do you want?" asked a sleepy voice.

"I can't sleep." Replied Sirius, voice a little huskier then Pete remembered. Pete rolled his eyes and turned over, thinking that Sirius wasn't the only one that couldn't sleep.

"What do you want me to do about it?" asked the same tired voice.

"Duh. I want you to make me tired."

"And how do you expect me to do that?"

There was more rustling of sheets and Pete was feeling sorry for James, since Sirius could be annoying when he was bored. Pete heard some muttering and then;

"I'm kinda tired Siri."

"Dammit James just fuck me already!"

Pete decided to give up and go down to the common room.

O - Obviate



"I've been Obviating this… but…"


"Obviating. It means to avoid something."

"Then why didn't you just say that?"

"Because I want to sound smart when I tell you I love you!"

James grinned.

"Why Obviate telling me you love me? I love you too."

P - Package

James had a large package. Remus wasn't sure what it contained. And he wasn't too sure he wanted to find out.

Later on he heard Sirius say;

"Wow James! You have a HUGE package!" and assumed he was talking about the parcel. Then he looked back and realised that James didn't have his parcel, and that he had a large bulge in his trousers, that he was grinding against Sirius' crotch, and that the two boys were sucking face and…

Remus walked away.

Q - Quidditch

"Hey James?" Asked Pete.


"This is a bit of an odd question, but… doesn't Quidditch like… hurt?"

"What, like…?"

"You know… sitting on the broom and stuff…?"

"Oh! Not really, once you've had Sirius pounding your ass not much hurts in comparison. Not that I'm saying Sirius is bad at sex or anything, damn, the guys a God in the bedroom, but first times are always gunna hurt right?" he grimaced at the memory, and Pete wondered why the hell he had asked in the first place.

R - Radio

"This is Wizarding Radio taking your requests and shout-outs, we've got a Hogwarts student on the line at the moment. What do you wanna shout out and request?"

"This is Sirius Black, and I wanna request the most romantic song you can think of to the love of my life: James Potter."

S - Serenade

"Oh Jamie-boy, don't you know how I pine for you? And need you? Like a cat, needs it's milk! Oh Jamie-boy!"

Sirius continued his crooning, skipping around the school and jumping on any ledge he could. James continued ignoring him, and the stares they were receiving from their fellow students.

"Oh Jamie-boy!"

"Sirius! If I say I love you will you shut the fuck up?"


"In that case; I love you."

T - Telltale

"Lily! Lily! James said he's in love with you!"

Lily looked round to see a very shocked looking James.

"Shut up! That's not true! Lily's great, but I love someone else!" he said.

"Who? Prove it?" said the annoying lying telltale.

James leant across the breakfast table and seized Sirius robes, dragging him over for a long, passionate kiss.

"There. Proved it. Sorry Lily."

U - Ultrasound

"I'm going for an Ultrasound today." said Lily excitedly to Sirius. Sirius and James were sat in Remus' kitchen, talking to his wife. She was very excited. She was pregnant.

"James?" asked Sirius, turning to his friend.

"Yes?" asked James, studying Lily's bump.

"Do you reckon I could get pregnant."

"I dunno. How about we try once Lily goes for her ultrasound and we're back at home, yeah?"

"… Since when are you two together?" asked Lily, slightly behind on this whole conversation.

"Since 5th year…" Replied James hesitantly.

"And you never told me?" asked Lily, before bursting into tears. James thought about Lily's constant mood swings.

"Actually Sirius. I don't think I want you getting pregnant."

V - Video

James and Sirius were always very blunt people. They weren't quite sure how to tell Remus, Pete and Lily that they were together subtly. They didn't want to just come out and say it though, because they'd have to time it between Lily and Remus' monthlies, so as not to piss anyone off.

If they timed wrong and hit Lily's monthlies, they'd get lots of shouting, a great need for chocolate, and possibly told that she doesn't care, go fuck a duck. If they timed wrong and hit Remus' monthlies, they'd get all that, but ten times worse. More chocolate would be needed to subside the werewolf, and it wasn't just a possibility that they'd be to told to go fuck a duck, it was a certainty.

So instead, they decided the best idea was to create a video of them having sex, and mail it to each of them respectively, and let them come to their own conclusion.

In the end they had to buy the whole of Honeydukes to subside all three enraged friends.

W - Wooden Spoon

"Spoon with me?"

"You don't just ask that Sirius."

"Why not?"

"It's just not done."

"Do it anyway?"


There was some rustling of sheets, then from the other side of the room they heard the door open, Remus snort in amusement, and Lily wolf-whistle.

"Piss off, stop stirring and put your wooden spoons away." Said James, and everyone turned to look at him. "What, you stir a situation with a wooden spoon, so when you stop, you put it away!"

"…" Sirius turned around and cuddled his boyfriends chest. "No one's going to get a metaphor like that love."

X - Xylophone

"What do you have there James?"

"It's a Xylophone Sirius."

"What's a Xylophone?"

"It's a musical instrument. I'm using it to speak in Morse Code."

"What's Morse Code?"

"It's a Code people sometimes use to say things when they don't want others to know what they're saying."

He tapped something out on his Xylophone.

"What did you say James?"

"I said 'I love you' Sirius."

Y - Yogurt

"Did you ever think yogurt looks a little bit like semen?" asked James as Sirius spooned more yogurt into his mouth. Rather then getting the spluttering he was expecting, Sirius just shrugged.

"Depends on the type of yogurt."

"What about the yogurt you're eating now?"

"Not really… it's pink."

"Why is it pink?"

"It's strawberry."

James grinned.

"You know, I've got an idea of what we could do with yogurt and strawberries."

That time, Sirius did splutter.

Z - Zugzwang

"Sirius Black."


"You're forcing me to Zugzwang."

"I'm forcing you to what now?"


"Good to know I have that effect on you babe, but not in front of the children."

James blushed.

"It means to make a disadvantageous move, involving chess, you twat."