Installment Six: Jordan

I don't know how to tell her. She's gonna think I want to, like, see other people or whatever. Or she'll think it's because she wouldn't sleep with me. That's just the way she thinks- I know it. She'll think it's something she did. It's not like I'm gonna figure out a way to make her think any different. If I tell the truth – that I just need time to think, she'll never believe it. Maybe I'll say something like: "It's just with school being back in…" but then I'll end up biting my lower lip and looking at some other girl's ass as she walks down the hallway or whatever. And Angela will, like, read that as 'breaking up to go screw other people.' It's not like I even want to break up with her. I just can't see her or be near her for a while. I can't even take seeing that face that she makes – the face that she'll make when I try to tell her all of this.

See, what happened was we went to a party together, and then we both, like wanted to leave at the same time. I acted like I was gonna drive her home, but instead I drove to my house and I got out of the car and she got out of the car. She was acting like it was totally no big deal so I started kissing her. And she kept doing this thing where she would pull away from the kissing and look at my eyes – like look into my eyes and then start kissing me again. Like there was something in my eyes that reassured her, or whatever, that what we were doing was okay.

And I remember pushing her against the electric garage door opener and the garage closing and the light going on. And all the sudden she was taking my pants off and putting me in her mouth and I never even said anything. It was silent. And she made me feel, this like, feeling. This feeling that I've never felt with any other girl before. I mean, like, what she was doing felt just as good as it had any other time, but she made it seem like a happy thing. Like where I was was exactly where I was supposed to be or something. And when it was done I sighed and hugged her to my chest but I couldn't tell how she was feeling. Then I drove her home. She kept looking at my like she wanted me to smile, but I couldn't – not while she was looking at me like that.

That was, like, four days ago. We're meeting in the boiler room Monday during Chem. I'm not sure if I want to tell her there or just leave a note in her locker. I'm not even sure if this has anything to do with what happened. It's, like, really weird to not be sure of how you're feeling. Do you ever feel that?


a/n: it's been awhile, so i'll hit ya with two, albeit short, chapters. enjoy, review, all that nonsense :)