Tag to 5.17. Dean's POV. Companion piece to A Good Place to Start which is Sam's POV. I posted it earlier in the week.
Thanks for reading!
Dean floors the gas pedal, trying to ignore Sam's fading figure in the rearview mirror. He's made his decision; there's no going back now. Strangely enough, he's not afraid. He searches his mind for the right word and realizes he actually feels relieved. Relieved it's finally going to be over. No more angels, no more Lucifer, no more apocalypse, no more…….
Ah, dammit. Not going to be as easy as I thought.
Dean's eyes mist over and he swipes at them furiously. He can't let sentimentalities get in the way of what he has to do. And that's all they really are anyway. His idealistic version of the relationship he's shared with his brother for over twenty years is nothing but a lie. Sam never needed him, never wanted him in his life. Hell, he'd spent the better portion of it trying to get away and Dean just kept dragging him back.
Deep down he'd always known Sam never cared as much about family as he had. And that was the real kicker, wasn't it? Sam had been his whole life and Dean couldn't even snag a guest role in Sam's version of heaven. How the hell was that supposed to make him feel?
All this time, everywhere they'd turned, some friggin' angel was telling them they had to say yes, had to fulfill their destiny and Dean kept giving them the finger because he had to….for Sam. And Sam could have cared less….about him, about everything they had ever shared. What the hell else was worth fighting for in this crappy world if you didn't have your family behind you? Who else could you count on?
Dean had known from the moment Joshua returned them to that motel room he was going to say yes to Micheal. After their walk on the dark side, he knew he'd already lost everything in his world that had ever mattered. There was nothing left to lose. His one last hope was that at least Cas had told him the truth about paradise on earth and when it was all over he could be at peace…..with Sam.
He automatically reaches for his amulet, a habit he's never been able to quit even though Cas had been carrying it around in his pocket for months. He wishes for the hundredth time he'd never thrown it into that trash basket. It may not have done them any good in the quest for God but it was the one piece of Sam he could always have with him and even though Sam obviously doesn't want or need him in his life, Dean wishes he could have one more moment with Sammy right now.
He wishes Sam knew how hard he had tried. He'd tried to be what Sam needed in his life, tried to be the mother, hell, even the father Sam never had. He had wanted it to be enough. He'd always tried to protect Sam, tried to let him be normal but he should have known normal was never going to happen. Normal died in a fire, pinned to the ceiling when he was four years old.
Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's all going to be over soon.
Still, he wishes for one more moment, just one glimpse of what happiness meant for him and he knows where he has to go. Just one more stop, one last act before the final curtain call.
Then I'm coming, you sons of bitches and you'd better be ready.
Sing something new
I have nothing left
I can't face the dark without you
There's nothing left to lose
The fight never ends
I can't face the dark without you
Lyrics: Without You by Breaking Benjamin